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Who cheats more: Men or Women?
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Photo by Dynamite Imagery
Someone recently asked me (as I am the expert on relationships) who cheats more—men or women?
I did an extensive informal survey (again, I know how much you love my informal surveys. Really, I know an impressive number of people). In this survey, the men claimed “Women. They have gotten more aggressive in the past few years. And they are crazy.” (Direct quote, and yes, he was talking about women as a gender, not a pack of dogs that had contracted rabies. I got so upset I smacked him across the face. In hindsight, that may have been too aggressive. And crazy.)
Women responded with “Men, remember when…” or “Men, my best friend…” Women stuck with specific examples instead of mildly insulting generalizations, but the results were the same—no one wanted to claim their gender as the cheating gender.
So I turned to the internets. Surprise, surprise, the statistics varied: 7% of women, 12% of men in any given year, 40% of women, 34% of men, 18% of women, 28% of men. My favorite article was actually titled “A Study Shows WOMEN are the biggest Cheats—They’re Just Better at Lying.” In the body of the article the authors stated that 20% of men and 15% of women cheat. Yes, you read the numbers right. Maybe they meant bigger in size? As in, a big woman will cheat before a big man will? I’m not sure.
Only one thing was clear: nobody really knows which gender cheats more. Apparently researchers will get dramatically different answers when asking something in person (1% cheat) to a confidential survey (6% admitted it). In the Durex survey, the numbers were even broader. (that’s where the 40% number came from.) And how do we tell just who is lying (dude, I totally had sex with 5 girls last night) and who isn't (I only kissed her that one time).
You know how I know? I used to staff a call center, and we would run fairly extensive background checks. People just lie. People lie even if you look them in the eyes and explain that their urine will be tested and their credit and criminal records will be run. Side anecdote (aka something I deem entertaining and worth your time. Don't you trust me?) A recruiter came in on a Saturday to run a background and drug test on an applicant. She had spoken to the candidate the evening before, and she made it very clear he would be drug tested. She made him promise not to do any drugs that night. (It was west Mesa. You understand). She sent the urine in for testing and on Monday got his results—cocaine. She called him, kind of pissed that she had gone to the office on Saturday for someone who knew he was going to fail. When she asked why he even decided to come in, he said “You told me not to do anything that night, and I didn’t. I waited until the morning!” (It’s west Mesa. You understand.)
Will we ever know who cheats more? Probably not. Because the evidence is largely circumstantial and anecdotal. One gentleman’s explanation for saying women cheated more was “I have the same amount of girl friends and guy friends, and most of my girl friends have told me they have cheated.” You, sir, are friends with a lot of whores.
Perhaps the reason that statistics are showing a rise in cheating is due to our ever increasing culture of openness, which also explains why girls younger than me keep getting their vaginas plastered all over celebrity gossip sites.* Perhaps more importantly, however, is that we are now friends with men and women. We are no longer limited to friendships that stick within our gender boundaries. Think about it—I’m not sure if your mom had male friends, my mom sure didn’t. And then in one Sex and the City episode they debated whether men and women could just be friends if neither was homosexual. Or maybe that was When Harry Met Sally. They’re mostly the same, anyway.
But now we scoff at the idea and point out our multiple, opposite-gender, long-term friends. And it’s fine if both parties are only interested in being friends, but I’ve seen enough cheating go on to know that it’s rarely a situation where someone meets someone else and immediately falls into bed with them, not thinking about the consequences. No, it’s a slow process. You work together, you go out for drinks, maybe you meet outside of an internet group where you’ve known each other a while, etc. Or heck, maybe our parent’s generation were 1%-40% cheaters too, and they just kept their mouths shut.
You may have noticed I usually have fairly strong opinions about my article topics. Some of you have most definitely not noticed many of those opinions are merely thinly veiled sarcasm, irony, or hyperbole. Surprisingly, however, I don’t really have a strong opinion on this. I mean, yes, cheating is bad. But I think most people who don’t cheat do so not because they aren’t attracted to other people, but because they don’t want to hurt their significant others. I also think that on some level, people who do cheat, do want to hurt their significant others, even if it’s just secretly getting back at them in their head.
So, let me know. Have you cheated? (Easy, you can use an alias) If so, why? And remember, be honest. It’s for science.
*I’m also pretty sure God has set it up so that every time your vagina is plastered on a website, you prematurely age one year. Proof: Pre-Flash. Post-Flash. I rest my case.
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