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Acai Berry 101: How to answer the fat-burning questions of life
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I’ve been trying not to think about losing weight while trying to lose weight. Isn’t everybody? Why else would the internet and infomercial airwaves be choking with weight loss and work out equipment. The latest craze? Acai Berry diet pills. But whose do you choose?
Yesterday I’m minding my own business, thinking that my newest keep-fit-don’t-worry-about-weight program has been working nicely. Okay so I ate more than a little ice cream right out of the carton on Sunday night. But that wasn’t my fault. It was right there in the freezer, Entourage was coming on and there was no time to spoon it out into a little mug. 
But in general, I’ve been eating well, working out, going to spinning classes, lifting weights, and working with an amazing personal trainer once a week. I’ve been feeling stronger, my clothes are getting looser and Jeff tells me he likes the way I look. Why then did he buy that ice cream and force me to eat it. Okay, he didn’t force me. He just brought the extra spoon to the couch. Okay, I asked him to, but it’s still his fault.
Anyway, so I’m minding my own business, trying to write at my laptop while not thinking about my weight when I hear, “Hey El. Ever hear of the Acai burn diet program?” What kind of question is that? This girl has heard of and read about EVERY diet program ever created since the beginning of time. And why is he bothering me when he knows I don’t want to think about weight. “Come here right away,” he continues. “We can get a thirty-day supply for FREE (his favorite word). We just have to answer a few questions to see if you qualify.” See if I qualify for something FREE? Now I get it.
So I join him at his computer and we start the online interview process. “How tall are you and how much do you weigh?” I gulp. Stumped already at the first question. Well not the first part of the question. “If I haven’t yet begun to shrink I’m 5’4”, I tell him. “Just tell the computer I want to lose about 12 pounds. Okay, say 15, no 12.” Which is it really, don’t know, and don’t care.
Well to make a long story short, after what seemed like two hours of answering enough questions to get security clearance for the CIA (the acai people now know my bra size, how many cavities I have and how many breaths I exhale each day), I became eligible for a 14-day supply. “What happened to the thirty-day supply?” Jeff wants to know. “This is bogus.” And then he reads that I’d also need to pay the dreaded shipping and handling charges, and become a member of the special Acai berry club which will automatically bill me each month unless I remember to cancel. “Never mind, you’re doing fine on your own,” he announces as he exes out the site and clicks onto one about really cheap golf balls.
Huh? As I walk back to my laptop to write and STOP thinking about my weight again, I realize that maybe this acai stuff really does work. Filling out the form took so long I forgot to eat lunch. Only problem is now I’m wondering if there’s any ice cream left in the freezer.
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