John Sydney McCain exposed as secret agent for Australia and the Wizard of Oz

"John Sydney McCain"

GOP operatives are desperately trying to suppress the spreading rumors that Republican presidential candidate John McCain is the agent of a foreign power. Could John McCain really be a "Manchurian candidate" for the government of Australia? His middle name is Sidney, after all. Or is that Sydney?

The similarity between McCain's middle name and the name of the Australian port city may seem like a coincidence, an accident of birth like the name Barack Hussein Obama, but maybe not. Could John McCain's middle name actually be a clue to shadowy and arcane forces covertly working through the senator from Arizona to manipulate world affairs?

Let's start with what we know and then move to what we surmise.

A Navy Cover-Up?

John Sidney McCain III was born in 1936 in the Panama Canal Zone at the U.S. military hospital where chief petty officer Popeye Bluto Hornblower was in charge of the records section. Hornblower was ordered to walk the plank in 1943 after he violated war secrecy laws by revealing that personnel records were falsified by order of an unknown admiral inside the Pentagon.

The relevant information is found on page 835 in Hornblower's largely forgotten Pulitzer-prize winning memoir, I Was a  Paper Pusher for the USN, published posthumously. In a passing reference to how he begrudged the drudgery of his work, Hornblower recalled a tedious assignment to retype every copy of all naval records (in triplicate) pertaining to the newborn son, father and grandfather of a naval family with a Scottish surname, a name he does not give in the book.

"I was told that there was a misspelling in the middle name shared by the grandfather, father and son," he wrote, "so I spent the next 16 weeks under top-secret orders going through boxes and boxes of files shipped to me from Washington and changing all the medical and service records to correct the name of these three males from 'John Sydney' to 'John Sidney.' I was bored to tears. Why would anybody care about something so silly?"

Why indeed? If the child in question was John S. McCain III, which seems likely, why would the descendents of Scottish King Robert Bruce not want the family to be associated in the public mind with the great harbor on the southeastern coast of Australia? Why the apparent cover up?

The Australian Connection

Beyond guesswork, we have ample evidence that the adult John Sydney McCain feels a deep connection to the land down under.

"John McCain is seen as a great friend of Australia," an Australian government official told the Australian Associated Press (AAP) in a January 2008 story that ran in the Sydney Morning Herald. The source asked not to be named because of the "sensitivity" of commenting about the hotly contested US political race.

"McCain is openly fond of Australia," reported the Herald in that same news story. "He was courted by former Australian prime minister John Howard and, according to the government sources, has a cordial relationship with new Prime Minister Kevin Rudd."

Hints about the extent of the relationship were revealed when Sen. John Sydney McCain met with Prime Minister Rudd at a media conference in Boston last April. "John McCain has given the thumbs up to Australia's push for closer regional co-operation in the Asia Pacific," reported Radio Australia, which noted that McCain's naval officer father, John S. "Jack" McCain, Jr., "spent a lot of time in Perth during World War Two."

McCain's family ties to Australia actually go back to the early 20th century. The Republican candidate's grandfather, John S. "Slew" McCain Sr., visited Australia in 1908 as part of the "Great White Fleet," the 16-battleship armada sent out by President Theodore Roosevelt to cruise around the world to display American sea power. Perhaps this explains why Teddy Roosevelt is a personal hero of presidential candidate John Sydney McCain.

Do you need even more evidence of a generational plot between Australia's government and the McCain clan to shape world affairs behind the scenes?

According to a document obtained from the Australian Government Department of Defence, Australia was visited August 20, 2008, by the USS John S. McCain, an Arleigh Burke Class Destroyer named after the father and grandfather of the Republican presidential candidate. Ostensibly sent there to commemorate the centenary for the Great White Fleet, the USS John S. McCain docked at Sydney, Melbourne, and Albany. Was maritime history the only purpose of the visit?

Undisputable True Facts

And this is only be beginning of the basis for completely justifiable suspicions about the alleged unAmerican loyalties of John Sydney McCain. Consider these undisputably true facts:

* John Sydney McCain, according to Mywildspeculations.com, has covertly arranged for Melbourne Cup Day in Australia to be held the same day as the U.S. election on Tuesday, November 4.

* John Sydney McCain was recently spotted at a private fundraiser in Texas eating giant shrimps grilled on the barby by a former executive assitant understudy flunky sous chef at the Outback Steak House.

* John Sydney McCain was overheard in the Senate cloak room (moments before the Wall Street bailout vote)  saying that he thinks Koala bears are cute.

* John Sydney McCain allegedly wrote the now infamous "secret" email to major GOP financial backers (days after the Republican National Convention) urging supporters to help him "tie me kangaroo down, sport."

* John Sydney McCain is a known associate of the fith cousin twice removed of the terrorist Djoguayers Djagiwalilala, accused in the 1860s of planting a proto-digital pipe bomb inside the didgeridoo given as a lethal gift to the Australian deputy prime minister for aboriginal affairs. (Some consider Djagiwalilala as a hero for his amazing ability to predict the weather from underground.) 

* John Sydney McCain's campaign has hurled unfounded personal attacks at Democratic presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama that have had a dangerous boomerang effect.

Foreign Threat

As if all this was not bad enough, we need to delve deeper into the staggering foreign threat posed to the American way of life by John Sydney McCain.

Anyone who has ever been to Australia knows the Australians themselves often refer to their continent as "Oz."  However, my investigators in Canberra have uncovered the lowdown until now know only to a few people in high places.

Australia actually is called "Oz" because 144 kilometers north of Perth is one of only two spots on earth (the other is in Kansas) were one can ride a tornado over the rainbow to the Land of Oz. Unconfirmed reports prove without question and beyond doubt that the candidate's father, John Jr., took this trip during World War II to form a clandestine alliance with the Wizard of Oz.

According to my totally reliable sources, John Sydney McCain's father carried with him on that journey to the Emerald City a top-secret military intelligence dossier that he personally handed to the Wizard. More than 15 Munchkinlanders died trying to smuggle out a photograph of this private meeting, I've been told, but the photo tragically was destroyed by the Tik-Tok mechanical man.

Consequently, all we know for certain is that soon after Jack McCain returned from Oz, the Wizard dispatched a top operative code-named Dorothy to lead a mercenary death squad disguised as a lion, a scarecrow and a tin woodsman. The elite squad subsequently obtained for the Wizard a vital security alliance with the Winkies by assassinating the Wicked Witch of the West.

If you still have doubts, brace yourself for the final devastating revelation:

Consider that John Sydney McCain is the senator from Arizona. Hidden in the center of the word "Arizona" are the letters "z" and "o" -- an anagram for "Oz." This absolutely prooves McCain is an agent for the Land of Oz.

So, now the truth has been exposed, at last.

We can only guess at what sinister spell the Australian-Oz-McCain cabal would cast upon America if enough gullable citizens are bamboozled into voting for John Sydney McCain III as the next president of the United States. Will the Emerald City rule the White House? You have been warned, my pretty.

© 2008 by Judah Freed

Disclaimer: The above column is satire, a joke, a spoof. If you believe any of this, I have a Wall Street bailout plan that I'd like to sell to you.