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The big mean mom promotes internet safety
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Public enemy #1. Photo by woodsy/Stock Xchng
Perhaps I should have titled this "Confessions of a mean, unreasonable, strict mom who doesn't understand."
There is a war being raged in my house about Myspace. I have a beautiful, smart twelve year old daughter who desperately wants to be seventeen. I received some intel, through her best friends mom, that she was using Myspace.
So for my first confession, I blatantly violated my child's privacy and read her email. For my second confession, I am neither ashamed nor sorry and I would absolutely do it again. I set up her account about two months ago, and I have the password, so I will routinely go through and skim the emails. I don't read them word for word, I don't care what page of New Moon so-and-so are on, or who was tardy for band because they couldn't get their locker open. Typical, normal tween stuff is what is I normally find, and that is just what I want. So I was stunned to find that that very day, my daughter had been not only using Myspace, but apparently was communicating with some boy and was planning to meet him on Thursday after school. I had laid down a no Myspace rule. I felt like the worlds biggest hypocrite because, and here is my third confession, I have a Myspace. However, I am an adult, almost all of my "friends" are out of state family and extended family. In any case, I felt that at twelve years old, she needed some boundaries, and she would have plenty of time for Myspace or Facebook or whatever when she was older, and mature enough to exercise some caution. When my older kids were still living at home, I created a Myspace using a photo of the wicked stepmother from Cinderella. The rule was they had to add me as a friend so I could keep an eye on who they were talking to. In return, I lay dormant on their friends list and posted no baby pictures, embarrassing comments, etc. But the Myspace age minimum in our house is sixteen. Apparently, my twelve year old has a friend whose mom also said no to Myspace, so they created one together in my daughters name and were sharing it. It lists her first and last name, the town she lives in, and says she is sixteen years old.
Lucky for me, the boy she was planning to meet was a boy she goes to school with, not someone she met over the internet. Other parents have not been so lucky. But the feeling of power she got from the defiance of having a Myspace when she knew she shouldn't empowered her to do other things she wouldn't ordinarily do. Lying to her parents was so easy, why stop there? The problem is, kids can be a whole different person online than they are in person due to the lack of accountability. They have the power to do and say things they would never ordinarily have the guts to say, and the problem is they don't realize they can never take it back once its online. So I talked with my daughter, and I could tell she was just paying lip service to my concerns. "Duh mom, I am not stupid." I could see I was never going to get through to her unless I had something to back me up. So I googled Megan Meirs. Megan Meirs, for those of you who don't know, was a beautiful thirteen year old girl who had a falling out with one of her friends. The friend went home to complain to her mother that she didn't like Megan anymore. The mother, being a mature adult who knew the consequences of her actions, created a Myspace profile posing as a sixteen year old boy who lived nearby and was home schooled. She befriended Megan, and then turned on her, saying she was stupid, and nobody liked her and she should just kill herself.
And she did.
I think my daughter had to see for herself just how potentially dangerous a place the internet can be. She has no way of knowing who is on the other end of that computer. Just because somebody sends you a private message and their profile picture shows Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical doesn't mean that it is Vanessa Hudgens. Its not the job of the websites like Myspace or Facebook to police kids activities on the internet, that responsibility lies with the parents. My advice is:
1. Know your kids friends. Knowing what kind of people they are hanging around with will help you keep an eye out for behaviors that are out of the ordinary. Ignorance is not always bliss. And more importantly, know their friends parents. I once allowed my sixteen year old so spend the night of a friend whose mother had assured me she would be home the entire time. I later found a comment on one of my daughters friends Myspace profiles (ironically) from that same night where she claims to be hanging out at this girls house "getting wasted". Don't be afraid to say no if it doesn't feel right to you. Better to feel a little mean than sorry. If I didn't have a good relationship with my daughters best friends mom, I would never have gotten this piece of information in the first place.
2. Don't be afraid to invade your kids privacy. There are many sides to this. I don't search my kids room, nor would I ever read her diary. Everyone is entitled to their private thoughts. But privacy, like respect, is earned. Is this fair? Nope. Parenting is not a democracy. At Castle Janko, anything posted online, including emails, and also text messages are subject to random search. If you don't want your parents to see it, chances are you shouldn't be saying it.
3. Talk to your kids. Be honest. A lot of the time, we try to shield them from hearing about tragedy. But they also need to know what the consequences of their actions could be. I have let my daughter know that I have every right to check in on her emails and text messages, and I will. Perhaps if she knows I may be watching, she will put more thought into her actions. I told her this evening, and this is a good rule of thumb, if you wouldn't be comfortable with your Grandma or your pastor reading what you wrote, chances are, you shouldn't have written it.
The internet can be a powerful tool for information, and by all means, utilize it. Also utilize your parental controls, pop up blocker, and common sense. Better to be safe than sorry.
Websites for more information on internet safety:
-www.safeteens.com. They also have a downloadable family contract for internet use.
-www.netsmartz.org. They have a list of statistics regarding internet crimes against youth.
-www.missingkids.com. The National Center for missing and exploited children.
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