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NEVER Happens on a Soap--Volume 2
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- They NEVER have to deal for too long with young children on a soap. Kids on a soap NEVER go through that phase we all know as the ‘terrible twos’ and when they are that young or even younger….their parents are oblivious to their needs. Anyone who remembers Nick and Sharon’s son Noah on the Young and the Restless can simply tell you that this kid simply slept quietly for about four years and suddenly, he resurfaced overnight after magically trading in his diapers for shaving cream. They NEVER go through puberty on a soap opera. Was Noah up in the attic or something for over a decade?
- Cops on a soap NEVER pay any attention to the sometimes shady characters that show up to visit their newly arrested perps. Whether they are mobster murderers, serial killers or corporate embezzlers, the cops NEVER stop people from visiting. There are days that the Port Charles PD has more traffic than a celebrity press conference. Aside from NEVER getting the man or woman they want in a timely fashion and NEVER demonstrating they have any valid training to collect forensic evidence, there is clearly NEVER any security effort going on at a soap opera police station. Evidence tampering is common and well hey—when the Police Chief shows up at every crime in town, you know he’s not supervising those cop Indians under his direction.
- We virtually NEVER or shall I say rarely ever see anyone drive a vehicle on a soap. Somehow, they manage to get from point A to point B without wheels except for when the following events occur:
- A killer storm rolls into the area unexpectedly. Now that this one popped into my head, I just realized they NEVER watch the news on a soap to check the weather. We only witness them driving on the soaps because something terrible is about to happen involving the vehicle. Once the car veers of the road and crashes into a tree or whatever due to a treacherous act of God once the operator of that vehicle recovers they NEVER even call their insurance company to have the vehicle repaired and we actually NEVER see that vehicle again.
- The driver of a motor vehicle has a lot on their mind or a significant amount of alcohol on their breath. They get behind the wheel and some unfortunate pedestrian falls victim to their distraction or their blood alcohol limit. Typically, this operator of the vehicle either NEVER realizes they struck someone or NEVER demonstrates the decency to stop if they actually heard the sound of an impact to check on whether they hit a deer or a person. The operator causing the damage is almost NEVER the only person traveling on the highway at the time the victim was struck and the soap opera cops have to work overtime to figure out who did it. Of course once they are interviewing 3 or 4 potential suspects which they will almost always know on a first name basis, friends and relatives of the ‘people of interest’ will just show up at the police station to hang out with the suspects. I would NEVER want to be a cleaning person employed on at a soap opera police department. Can you imagine having to clean those bathrooms once a soap cop cracks a case?
- A pregnant woman has to drive herself to a hospital because the baby is ready to emerge and the father of that baby is NEVER there when you need him on a soap. The poor pregnant one has to deal with it all by herself but she is a soap chick and this is simple. When a baby is ready, typically the female can deal with a various scenarios when she is driving herself to the hospital. Whether it’s a hurricane, a deer in the headlights or a cell phone that has no receptions. Happy expectant mothers on a soap NEVER give up under any circumstances and ironically enough those stellar soap cops are NEVER on the highway to help. Soap chicks rule on some occasions.
- They are a mobster or corporate mogul whose limo driver just called in sick and they quite simply have to get to that corporate meeting or shooting on their own. Sigh…..I hate it when that happens.
Okay Examiner readers…please keep those cards and letters coming in. If you have a great NEVER HAPPENS thought related to soap operas please post or send and e-mail to Soaprah@gmail.com. Thanks for tuning in!
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