Things that Never Happen on a Soap..Volume 1

August 15, 12:24 PMSoap Opera ExaminerMary Montanari

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•  They NEVER wake up with ‘bed head’ on a soap. There is simply never a bad hair day to be found. While the nights and the afternoons are sometimes wild, they never have one hair out of place in the morning despite the fact that we never see them taking showers or doing the morning grooming thing most of us do on a daily basis. They waked up with perfect hair and sweet breath and the breath thing is obviously true because the person they are waking up with never cringes when they share morning lip locks prior to even attempting to use the bathroom.

•  They NEVER rush off to a drugstore on a soap to purchase a wedding card, pantyhose, hair spray, razor blades or prescriptions. Those things just seem to magically appear always. The only time we ever see a daytime character rushing to a pharmacy is when they need to purchase a pregnancy test which they will almost always eventually tamper with to produce a fake result.

•   They NEVER take the trash out on a soap. It’s a fact for sure. You will never, ever see anyone on a soap deal with accumulated household trash. The only time a daytime character will even subject themselves to digging through trash is when they locate someone else’s discarded pregnancy test kit packaging or when there is a dead body involved. Sometimes, carpets work well in combination with trash bags when some shady character is attempting to dispose of a dead body. 

•   They NEVER rush off to the bank to cash a paycheck on a soap nor do they dash off to an ATM to get cash for their morning coffee. Sure, they could be paying for their obligations online but we never even see them using a computer for anything else but sending e-mails, cracking into the web sites of rival companies, tracing the last steps of missing persons etc. We clearly know they are never paying bills online. Sigh…to live in that world where the money constantly flows would be heaven for me.

• They NEVER hire fabulously intelligent security staff at a hospital on a soap. Physicians and Nurses NEVER take care of patients they don’t know on a soap. It’s always a friend or relative who is placed under their care. The security staff however never stops anyone from entering a lab to tamper with critical test results and they never ever notice someone approaching an unwitting, unconscious patient in a coma in the ICU whose only agenda is to pull the plug on the unconsicous patient.  They never even notice staff members sharing some ‘afternoon delight’ in those supply closets that are obviously more like ‘sex shacks’ without supplies. Where are the hospital cops when you need them? 

    My all time favoirite NEVER HAPPENS scenario came from my good friend Heidi who once mentioned that on a soap....they never rush home to watch their favorite soap.  Isn't that brilliant?  You've got to love that never happens observation.  Do stay tuned for 'Things that NEVER Happen on a Soap" Volume 2--and do e-mail your own never happens thoughts to Soaprah@gmail.com and they will be included in Volume 2 of the NEVER files and I will give you credit for your observations.    Thanks for visiting and do stop by again as this Examiner Soap Opera Page continues to evolve.  You think a an "ALWAYS HAPPENS on a SOAP" feature would work as well?  Always vs. Never  could actually be a fun.  Think about that and let me know if you like my train of thought!