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Top Chef Vegas recap - What the hell is ceviche anyway?
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I wasn’t planning on “covering” Top Chef, because although I’m supposed to recap the shows I cover, I mostly enjoy tearing them apart. I was afraid there wasn’t enough to make fun of in an episode of Top Chef. Turned out I was wrong.
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Delicious! Tom C. Photo courtesy of Bravo |
First of all, I need to lay two things out there: One – I don’t cook and therefore I don’t know what I’m talking about when I write about these people’s dishes. But I do eat a lot. Two - I want to get naked with Tom Colicchio. It’s weird, yes. If you saw him in Target, you wouldn’t look twice, but on this show? Mama like. It must be the power. I have a fantasy in my head of him telling me how much my chicken noodle soup sucks and then ravaging me on the kitchen counter. Sorry, too much information.
This season takes place in Vegas, which is kind of fun, although you don’t really even know they’re in Vegas until they randomly, and unnecessarily, roll a craps table into the kitchen. So whatever.
Recap of last week
We begin the show with a recap of last week – in a nutshell, some chick named Jennifer won the Quick Fire Challenge. Jennifer scares the hell out of me. She looks super ornery and mean, yes, but I don’t think it’s an act – I’m pretty sure she could beat the living snot out of me if she wanted to. It seems like she has a rage problem. I have no evidence – it’s just a hunch. I bet if you cut her off on the freeway, she would follow you until you stopped, jump out of the car and bash your taillights with a tire iron.
Also last week, another Jen, with lots o’ tattoos, is eliminated. Ironically, she doesn’t unpack because she says it is bad luck to unpack. (Apparently, it’s also bad luck to stay packed.) Kevin won the elimination challenge last week. He’s the one who looks like a lumberjack. He seems nice, but he says things like, “It’s important that they know I’m a force to be reckoned with”. Good lord. Yes, Kevin, you’re a WICKED FORCE as you whisk your sauce! You go, Kevin!
Now onto this week. There’s a big cast of characters here, so I’m not going to talk about each one until they become interesting for some reason. Let’s get started…First up is the Quick Fire Challenge.
Quick Fire Challenge
Todd English is the guest judge this week and Kevin says that as they walked into the kitchen, he immediately recognized him. He says, “Who wouldn’t recognize him?” Ummm, me. That’s who. I have no idea who Todd English is. Wikipedia tells me he’s a celebrity chef. I’ll take their word for it.
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| Photo courtesy of Bravo |
The contestants roll a pair of dice and whatever number they roll, is the number of ingredients they have to use in a dish. And they get 30 minutes to cook it. This is terrifying to me. I’d cook cereal or scrambled eggs. Seriously. Anyway, they all roll eight or nine – somewhere in the middle, except for Kevin who rolls a higher number and ends up dumping a bunch of crap in his dish. Laurine rolls a three and Eve rolls a four. That could be tough…
They start the clock and everyone runs around, trying to prepare their stuff in 30 short minutes. Michael comments that 30 minutes isn’t enough time to put something on the stove, so he decides to make a gazpacho, but prepared in a new way. His new way? Freezing it with nitrogen. This kitchen comes with an 8-foot tank of nitrogen. Michael is freezing it in a bucket on the floor, making quite a spectacle of himself.
Eve makes an asparagus, blue cheese salad, officially marking the very first time in Top Chef’s history that I could make something these chefs make.
Hands up, utensils down!
Laurine does fine with her three ingredients, making a leek and lemon soup, although Todd looks like he’s about to hurl when he tastes it. Jennifer makes salmon with a jalapeño emulsion, whatever that is. Just don’t question her – she’ll beat your ass.
Mattin makes a carrot soup. I don’t care – he’s cute, although I think his accent is fake.
Ashley makes a grilled lamb with apricot mostarda. Again, I don’t know what this is, but I don’t think she does either because she air quotes “mostarda” as she tells Todd and Padma what it is.
Todd says his least favorites were Jesse’s mushy scallops, Eve’s stupid asparagus salad and Bryan’s dish. He says Eve’s presentation could have been more interesting and I wonder if he’s talking about her or her food. His favorites were Jennifer’s (he’s scared of her too), Kevin’s asparagus and celery salad with an egg on top, and Michael’s “Nitro Gazpacho”. But he chooses Michael’s wacky gazpacho as the big winner of the Quick Fire. Interestingly enough, Michael’s brother is Bryan, who was one of Todd’s least favorites. This rivalry could get interesting. It’s difficult to tell what their relationship is. They say they root for the other and support each other but it mostly appears that they hate each other. Hmm.
Elimination Challenge
The Elimination Challenge this week is to prepare food for a Bachelor and Bachelorette party. The girls will prepare dishes for the Bachelor and his friends, and the guys will prepare dishes for the Bachelorette and her pals. The dishes must be “paired” with one of three shots which totally makes sense because when I’m hammered at a Bachelorette party in Vegas, downing my ninth tequila shot, my first thought is, “A nice shrimp ceviche would be perfect with this!”
Ashley’s pissed because she’s gay and can’t legally get married, so she hates doing a marriage-themed challenge. Jennifer is pissed, too, but just because she hates the guy vs. girl thing. I think she was just searching for something to be pissed about.
The teams head to Whole Foods to shop, where I always feel really bad for the fish and meat guys behind the counter, since they’re getting barked at by chicks like Jennifer to give them octopus, or 100 racks of lamb. Anyway, they shop, and then they prep, and head to the poolside venue of the challenge to finish prepping and to finally serve their guests.
Laurine comments that she thinks the girls will win because they are cooking more familiar food. Hey, Chef Boyardee is familiar too, but it’s not going to win Tom and Padma’s vote.
As they serve their wasted guests, Padma, Tom, Gail and Todd English head over to eat the food and judge their hearts out. (Side note: Padma is in a blue romper. Not many chicks can pull that off). They start with the ladies…
They hate Eve’s dish, saying it wasn’t cooked right. They liked Jennifer’s dish, they thought Robin’s mole was okay, Laurine’s lamb chop was nicely cooked and Ashley’s watermelon Carpaccio was good too. However, Ashley also made some bay leaf and vanilla panna cotta, which apparently sucked the big one. Judges did not like it. They also didn’t like Jesse’s lettuce cup, despite the fact that “lettuce cup” sounds super enticing! They said there was too much going on with that bad boy. They also slam Preeti’s tuna, calling it “pedestrian”.
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Buh Bye Eve... Photo courtesy of Bravo |
The judges move onto the men’s dishes. They love Michael’s apple sorbet and goat cheese cookie. (Side note…goat cheese cookie? Barf.) They liked Kevin’s chilled almond soup, along with Hector’s ceviche, Bryan’s sweet and sour macaroon, and Eli’s tuna tartare. They also enjoyed Ash’s Asian chicken. They were not big fans of Mike’s arctic char or Rob’s lobster cocktail. They also were not fans of Mattin’s bouillabaisse.
At the end of the challenge, the men were declared the winners, with Bryan, Hector, Eli and Michael being the top four. Michael is one of the brothers… He has done really well so far. His brother Bryan faltered in the Quick Fire but has redeemed himself here. Hector is a big, intimidating man, but I dig him and his slicked hair. Eli is the funky, chubby kid with dark glasses.
The judges declare Bryan the winner and Michael looks furious, but says he’s happy to see him win. It’s no wonder I’m confused. These two look pissy all the time, but have nice things to say about each other…it’s hard to decipher.
The women were the losers, with Eve, Jesse, Preeti and Ashley being in the bottom four. The judges chat with them and ask them why their dishes sucked. They throw around words and terms I don’t understand, like “it was over-cured” or “it didn’t taste balanced” or “the eggplant didn’t cohesively come together” or “it seemed bitter from the woodsiness”. It’s clear they didn’t like their food – that much I get.
They declare (thank God) Eve the big loser and eliminate her. Sure, she seems like a nice lady, but she has zero confidence and has completely jacked up everything she’s made while she’s been there. Granted, she could cook me under the table, yes, but I’m also not attempting to be on Top Chef. I just make fun of these people for jacking up food I would never even attempt to create. Fair? Probably not. It’s my job, people.
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