Star Trek the Motion Picture vs. 2001: Survival of the snooziest. Part 1

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July 31, 9:28 PM

by Jason Roestel, Movie Examiner

 

 

This guy might be here for hours in Stanley Kubrick's 2001 a Space Odyssey 

2001: A Space Odyssey/Star Trek the Motion Picture. Two classic sci-fi movies that I have never, in my entire life, been able to remain conscious through. These two movies don't just put me to sleep, like the soothing drone of waves rolling put me to sleep. These movies crash my consciousness, knock my ass out, put me in a level 1 coma on the Glasgow Coma Scale and  I cease to exist on this plane. I enter a state very much like that anti-state I anti-existed in just before I was conceived. I become nothing.

Being a movie Examiner I know I need to give Kubrick's much loved 2001 a roll on the old reel again. You can't be much of a "film" authority if you can't manage to keep your eyes open during 2001: A Space Odyssey. The Library of Congress did select this film for preservation in the National Film Registry. It must be pretty good right? The few memories I have of this movie still clogging up the lead-pipes that run through my neocortex are a very clear memory of a man's face behind a glass space-helmet and reflected lights running up the helmet. And Hal's voice. That's pretty much it. I do remember the space-helmet/light scene seemed to last a leap-year. It's been the last few years though that I've really become a bigger fan of Stanley Kubrick. What I could not see in my youth is very apparent now. The man's an artist. (I won't say genius because who's a genius outside of Stephen Hawking's wheelchair?) Kubrick was someone who took us all in a new direction. A direction we may have never known existed, but he knew about it his entire life. Stanley Kubrick deserves attention, and it's about time I see 2001 again through different eyes. If those eyes in question, can indeed remain open during the experience...

People stand around, and people lay down in Star Trek the Motion Picture. 

At the same time I've become a pretty solid Star Trek geek. The Trek bug bit early when I grew up watching the classic series with my Father, and pretty much continued on from there. I remember the day I first started seeing posters for Star Trek the Motion Picture hanging in the local grocery store. It was exciting. No, not because I had seen all 79 episodes of the show 38 times each, and now I'd be seeing something new. Far from it. The movie actually looked really great. The cast had gotten older. The special effects had gotten better. I couldn't wait to see it. What I didn't realize at the time was that 15 minutes into the movie I would collapse into a senseless pile of snooze. My parents had to carry me out of the theater. I've seen this film probably four times in my childhood and it always ends the same way. Me waking up in my own bed, wondering how I got there, and more importantly how Star Trek the Motion Picture ended. I'm still wondering all these years later. I have no idea what Star Trek the Motion Picture's even about, let alone how it ends. My only "true" memories left for this movie involve a strangely alluring bald chick. Something called "Veejer". And Spock in a jet suit flying into what my mind has now reduced down to a huge space sea anemone. I know nothing more about this movie than this, and I proudly think of myself as a hardcore Trekkie. Star Trek the Motion Picture is my final Trek frontier. It's the one piece of the enormous Trek puzzle that's still blank. I've seen everything else. All the other, (Better, let's admit it.) movies. Every episode of every series. Even Enterprise. It's time for me to fill in that blank spot on my Trek application. As long as I don't blank out on the spot while attempting to watch it again...

These two films together may put me into a Disney-class coma. 

What I'm proposing is a contest between these two films. I'll be watching each separately this weekend. One on Friday night, the other Saturday night. I'll see if they're still just as hard to get through. And best of all I'll know once and for all if these really are stale cinematic experiences or if I was just a stale cinematic experiencer. There are a few rules for this experiment in ennui. First each movie will play at 8:30pm. Second, I will not use any "stimulants" to enhance the experience. No coffee. No Tylenol PM. No late night meth-snacks or glue sticks. Just whatever state of consciousness I usually bring to a film watching endeavor. I'll report back on my efforts in Survival of the Snooziest Parts 2 and 3.

Part 2 of Survival of the Snooziest...

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