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Is my relationship dead in the water?
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Once you've invested love and time in a relationship, it's difficult to look at it clearly if you're dissatisfied. Debbie can't figure out what her beau really wants in the future.
Dear Annie, When I first met Mark, he seemed like the perfect guy. He was reliable, attentive and responsive to my needs. We got along fantastically, quickly began seeing each other exclusively and talked about our future together. We talk on the phone every night, but only see each other two or three times a week. After five months, we went on a week-long vacation to Maui. and had an amazing time.
I was disappointed to discover that, when we got home, he fell back into his old routine. I was looking forward to spending more time together. When I suggested an activity on a different day than usual, he replied that he’s unable to spend any more time with me right now. He says that he loves me, and wants me to stay in his life. He tells me that things could change sometime in the future. It seems to me that he wants a “long-term, committed relationship,” which will always be limited to part-time, but he won’t seem to acknowledge the fact.
I really care about him. I don’t want to lose him. On the other hand, as Mark knows, I want to share my life with someone full-time. Should I hang in there, hoping that he’ll decide this is important to him as well? How long should I wait to find out? It’s been eight months already. We’re both in our mid-40’s, and I don’t feel like I have years to figure this out. Debbie
Dear Debbie, Does Mark understand that your desire to have a full-time partner is non-negotiable? Unless you can find a way to be comfortable with your relationship the way it is, you should consider finding someone with whom you share more compatible goals. It looks like your relationship stopped moving forward and has stalled in a place that’s only comfortable for him. Your question brings to mind Woody Allen’s memorable line: "Relationships are like sharks, they have to keep moving forward or they die, and what we got here is a dead shark."
It’s hard to put so much into a relationship and potentially lose it. But if you’re never going to be satisfied with what he wants, chances are that your dissatisfaction will eventually destroy the relationship. Let him know what you need. If he doesn't respond, to you, it's time to move on to someone who is more available for the kind of relationship that you want.
To my readers: Please accept my apologies for my lack of posts. Recovering from shoulder surgery took more time than I anticipated.
Annie Gleason is the West Coast's premiere dating coach. She specializes in helping mid-life singles find love.
All names are changed.
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