Burmese pythons invade the United States

March 19, 12:11 AMApocalypse ExaminerWyatt Shev

Previous Next

13 comments Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Apocalypse Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

Say hello to your new neighbor

Like we didn’t have enough to worry about… now, apparently, the next big threat to society as a whole is the humble Burmese python.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart aired a segment tonight providing details on this possible catastrophe as it slithers from the swamps of Florida. Mr. Stewart may host a comedy show, but this sure as heck ain’t a laughing matter.

Burmese pythons- which, as you may have guessed, are not indigenous to the US- make for popular pets amongst monosyllabic offshoots of South Floridian society. These dungaree-sporting mouth breathers tend to tire of their toys and pets quickly, and thus dump the snakes in the fertile, snake-friendly swamps of the Everglades. Snakes also find their way into the swamps via nature’s vacuum, the hurricane. Hurricanes in this part of the States are capable of wiping out entire towns- including pet stores. Guess where the snakes go when they’re freed from their cages?

Burmese pythons are some truly ravenous suckers. Rabbits, domestic cats and dogs, raccoons, deer and even adult alligators are just some of the items on the menu for what is shaping up to be southern Florida’s dominant species. The Burmese, originating from South East Asia, can grow over 16 feet and weigh over 150 pounds. Now imagine one of these hellish serpents taking up residence in your backyard.

Apparently, conditions in the southern portions of the United States are perfectly conducive for Burmese python lovemaking. This is a definite worry, as to say these things breed like rabbits is a dangerous statement. Rabbits are not disposed to or capable of eating you whole. Either way, these beasts are moving on up from established breeding grounds in the Everglades and heading north in search of greener pastures.

I, for one, will not wait for the pythons to take my family and my land. I propose we bring the fight to them.

So if you’re on humanity’s side, join me. Time is of the essence- even as I write these words, their relentless march forward continues.

Come on South Floridians, I know you’ve got military-grade caches of illegal weaponry stashed all over the place. It’s time to break out those goodies and take up arms against our reptilian oppressors. Get out to the Everglades and center your sights on the beasts.

Let’s send these belly-sliding invaders back to the dank, dark Hell they slithered out from.

Either that, or Americans can stop keeping deadly animals as pets.

There are now only 1372 days left until the End of the World.