Weekly Survival Tip #2- Build a fire

March 15, 9:24 PMApocalypse ExaminerWyatt Shev

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Yours should look somewhat like this, hopefully.

So the bombs have fallen, the Four Horsemen are sounding their trumpets and Nibiru, the Death Comet, has slammed into our little blue marble, wreaking havoc across the globe. Packs of feral dogs roam the streets, attacking unfortunate survivors at will. Your neighbours- those who survived- barricade themselves in the charred remains of their houses, packing serious heat in response to the emerging zombie problem. Worst of all, essential public services have vanished as society begins to devour itself… you and yours have no access to clean water, food or a reliable energy source. The supermarket is out of the question… every shop within a hundred miles of your house has been thoroughly looted and/or burned by now. You have no generator, and even if you managed to get a hold of one, you wouldn’t have the gas to power it.

You and yours are cold, tired and hungry. You simply don’t know what to do.

So why don’t you build a fire already? Hell, you can start it in your very own living room if you like- what does it matter now, anyway? (Seriously, though, don’t do that). Or you can take to the woods and try your hand at hunting wild game to roast over the campfire- but that’s another tip for another time.

There are four universal rules to remember when attempting to build a sustainable fire. The most important of these- and the most difficult to produce- is the spark.  The easiest and most sensible method involves purchasing a lifetime’s supply of non-safety, strike anywhere matches. And ladies- just because it’s the Apocalypse doesn’t mean you have to look bad. Always carry some nail polish with you. It will not only draw attention away from any bloated radiation effects you may be exhibiting, it also makes a handy waterproofing agent- just dip the match head in, and you’re good to go. 

Of course, buying a lifetime’s supply of non-safety matches could be a costly exercise, and one that involves a fair degree of foresight. In a more realistic situation, you or someone in your rag-tag group of survivors may have access to a cigarette lighter. If this is the case, rejoice, for all those who said smoking kills can now go to Hell (and by this point in the Apocalypse, most likely have). Don’t worry if you’ve run out of gas- the lighter will still produce a spark- and if you know what you’re doing, that’s all you’ll need.

Other methods of producing a spark include the old sun-through-the-magnifier trick (handy if you’re travelling with a group of nerds), using the electric spark of a battery- which can be tricky; and the ageless flint-on-steel technique (handy if you’re travelling with a group of Vikings).

So you can produce a spark- good for you. Now you need something to ignite. This is where tinder comes in. This is the stuff that will bring your fire to life- what you want to aim your sparks at, unless you like wasting your time. It’s very important that you choose your tinder carefully, as one mistake can mean the difference between cooked fish and sushi. You’d be surprised at the amount of household objects that provide excellent tinder. Here’s a homework assignment- burn some of your own stuff, and then burn some more. Then compare your results.

If you’re in the great outdoors, it’s important to be a little more discerning. Besides, it’s very rare to find any items from Ikea in Mother Nature, even in a disassembled state. Make sure to repeat the following mantra- DRY, DRY, DRY. No, I’m not making allusions to Cloris Leachman’s love life; I’m simply trying to hammer home a point. All your tinder has to be as dry as dry can be, or you have a very small chance of starting a decent fire- moisture is not an option. Dry grass makes for nature’s perfect tinder. Alternatively, small twigs and dry bark will suffice, as will a gasoline-soaked rag. But then again, if you have access to a gasoline-soaked rag, you probably don’t need my help in starting a fire.

Once you’ve gathered your tinder, it’s time to build the framework of your fire. You’re gonna need some serious kindling (fuel) if you want that sucker to burn throughout the night. Arrange your sticks and branches into something roughly resembling a tepee, with the driest pieces at the bottom (also where you want to stick your tinder). You can bind the wood at the top with blades of grass or something approximating rope, this will help keep your fire alive in windy conditions. And once again, I’m forced to bring up the image of  a sexually aroused Cloris Leachman as I re-iterate: only use DRY wood as fuel.  Using wet wood is going to create a whole lot of smoke and not a lot of heat, which is rather pointless, considering the circumstances.

Okay, so your fire is starting to come alive. There’s heat seeping through those weary bones for the first time in weeks. But don’t relax, not just yet. There’s one last (incredibly important) rule to remember in order to maintain the perfect fire.

It needs to breathe.

That’s right, cast your minds back to grade school science class. Every kid who’s ever messed around with a Bunsen burner knows the score. A fire needs oxygen to live. Cut off the source of oxygen and the flame will wither away quick-smart. So make sure you’re in a well-ventilated area before you start playing with fire. And once again, don’t start a fire in your house. Seriously. Fires suck up oxygen like nobody’s business, and asphixiation is not out of the question if you fail to follow this simple missive.

Keep in mind that the basic rules I’ve explained above are not restricted to basic survival situations. You can also use these rules to burn down the houses of your enemies, or set ablaze a place of worship. After all, with the Apocalypse occurring and all, there are no rules- you can do whatever you want.

Go nuts.

There are now only 1376  days left until the End of the World.