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NFL picks: Brad Johnson is older than...

As the day comes to make my NFL picks, I'm once again reminded why I don't make a living betting on the games. Of course, these days, it seems we're barely making a living doing whatever it is that we're do for a living, either.

If nothing else, I think the current proves conclusively we've learned our lesson from the Great Depression. We all remember the stories of financial executives throwing themselves out of windows. Now no matter how bad they've #^@% the bed, we make sure they get a nice severance package on their way out. It keeps the streets clean of bodies, I suppose.

Kids, if you don't know what the Great Depression was, it was more than just the thing that killed that Kurt Cobain guy. Wikipedia it.

Over at The Street.com, they published an article on the 10 reasons you're not rich. Some of them were pretty obvious, so I've decided to help my readers out with some reasons of my own why you might not be rolling in dough.

* You are paying for anything on a weekly basis.

* You currently have a problem with a large unsecured debt obtained in a bar bet.

* After buying rims, your vehicle costs more than your house.

* Addendum: If your vehicle is taller than your house, that's not good either.

* You should not see "shiny teeth coverings" as a major investment.

* When you see the stock market ticker scrolling at the bottom of the screen, it makes you immediately flip over to ESPN to check the college football scores.

* Your portfolio isn't diversified. Don't buy all your ceremonial collectors plates in Elvis. Spread them around, get some Dale Earnhardts.

* With times tough, you have to wait for the Christmas rush to do maintenance on your meth lab.

* All your money goes to your legal team. (OJ only)

* Your plans for "cashing in your retirement account" involve sitting at the kitchen table with a Folgers can full of loose change.

Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week eight. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. If rash develops, discontinue usage.

WEEK EIGHT:

Tampa Bay at Dallas - Quarterback Brad Johnson has Cowboys fans partying like it's 1999. Of course, in 1999 Johnson was already a seven-year veteran. Things younger than Brad Johnson include the Woodstock concert, the White Album, and the Cincinnati Bengals.
Pick: Cowboys

Washington at Detroit - Jim Zorn's comments on getting Washington ready for Detroit? "I'm trying to get our players to realize it's an NFL team." No kidding.
Pick: Redskins

St. Louis at New England - Tom Brady now has the most famous knee injury in history, narrowly beating out Nancy Kerrigan.
Pick: Patriots

Kansas City at NY Jets - Brett Favre has officially dropped Matt Millen from his "Friends and Family" plan.
Pick: Jets

Atlanta at Philadelphia - Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan was a Philly high school star, which means the Philly crowd will still treat him like a cross between a betraying lover and an enemy of the state.
Pick: Eagles

Oakland at Baltimore - Fired coach Lane Kiffen is trying to get his salary from Al Davis. The last time Davis refused to pay a coach, Mike Shanahan wound up winning two Super Bowls in Denver. That historical comparison is the closest Kiffen will ever come to getting benefits from Davis.
Pick: Ravens

Cleveland at Jacksonville - When the biggest topic dealing with your football team is where your tight end got infected, you've got problems that penicillin can't cure. The entire Browns organization needs a good bleach-bath.
Pick: Jags

Cincinnati at Houston - This was originally supposed to be Houston's bye week, but instead they'll play the Bengals. In Blackjack terms, that's called "a push."
Pick: Texans

NY Giants at Pittsburgh - This one is advertised as a "possible Super Bowl preview," which is one of my least favorite sports cliches. We get about six PSBP's per year.
Pick: Steelers

Seattle at San Francisco - Mike Holmgren is denying reports he's going to leave Seattle in the offseason and take over San Francisco. Man, I'd deny that too. I'd deny reports I'm going to leave my one-room apartment after this year and move into a cardboard box down by the overpass, also.
Pick: 49ers

Also, I'll take the Colts over Titans, Cards over Panthers, Chargers over Saints at the Benny Hill Dome, and my beloved Buffalo Bills over Miami.

Last Week: 8-6 (57%), 61-41 (60%) overall.