Five ways to screw up your wedding, part five: starve, bore, and ignore your guests!

July 18, 12:24 AMWedding and Marriage ExaminerElizabeth Oakes

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   Thanks to Sean Mack, Steve Sims, and WikiMedia Commons

You'll never hear about it, of course; guests are generally too polite to ever say anything to your face but "Oh, your wedding was LOVELY."  

As someone who works in the wedding world however, I hear them griping later--sometimes years later--about how dull or miserable their  experience was.  Here are the key grouses that seem to recur most often:

Grouse Number One:  “Weddings are boring!!”

I hear this frequently from clients who are fed up with the length and content of whatever wedding liturgy they're accustomed to, and these  couples opt for shorter, simpler ceremonies when they can.  This helps minimize boredom, but the same short-and-sweet thinking hasn't yet trickled down to reception planning.  Too bad, since due to the rise of a bizarre and unquestioned reception liturgy-of-sorts ---you know, the standard-issue grand entrances, first dances, toasts, dining, bouquet/garter tosses, too loud DJ, cake cutting hours after dinner--receptions are frequently too long in duration and too short on substance.  

These generic reception “timelines”  stretch and dilute genuine moments of spontaneity in favor of artificial poses--creating not an actual celebration, but a celebration-like substance. If your candidate for wedding planner, DJ, or photographer is pushing you into an arbitrary timeline full of these reception chestnuts, you might want to seek out a vendor who’s more creative, someone who will work with you to throw out this timeline altogether or radically re-create its elements.  As they say in Hollywood, this common reception fare has "become overexposed”--guests have seen it a million times, and they’re complaining.  

However, you can still do bouquet toss and not bore people if you tweak it in a creative way; for example, toss individual bouquets to each of your single friends with a personalized present attached, or use a breakaway bouquet that showers everyone with posies.  Lots of women are opting to give their bouquets to Mom or a mentor instead, and some prefer to offer this gift in privacy (because not every interaction at a wedding has to be a Kodak Moment®, despite what your photographer tells you.)  

I conducted a wedding for a deaf magician who had colleagues perform sleight-of-hand at the tables during dinner.  No band, DJ, or dances (not needed when most of the guests are hearing impaired) but the magic was fantastic.  For the latter part of the evening, the couple chose to forgo the standard bouquet/garter routine for a magic show performed by the bridal party, who were not professional magicians.  It was charming, marvelously entertaining, and truly memorable.  

At another wedding, a friend of the couple--a stand-up comedian with circus geek tendencies--hammered a nine-inch spike up his nose.  It was riveting (sorry) and hilarious, and no more vulgar than your standard garter removal.   And certainly not boring.

For your own ideas, dig into your hobbies, work, ethnic or national traditions (back in the day at Austrian receptions, the couple had to saw a log in half with a two-person lumberjack saw.  Bet you haven’t seen that lately!)  Your guests will be grateful you made the effort, and they’ll savor the uniqueness for years to come.  No one remembers a standard bouquet toss unless bones are broken, but they’ll sure remember the wedding where the couple played them a “Guitar Hero” duet.

Grouse Number Two :  “We had to wait forever to eat and I was about to pass out.”

If you're asking people to dress up, drive, arrive on time, and sit through a wedding, then you've already taken several hours out of their day. Making them wait even longer before you feed them so you can take photos or change clothes is a bit cruel, and though cocktails before dinner with passed hors d'oeuvres and appetizer tables are nice ideas I rarely see enough snacky stuff provided for everyone in a timely manner.  If kids are involved, they're already way past their pull-date for a meal so expect some of that petulant low blood-sugar behavior.  

Seating your guests often takes another substantial chunk of time, and if they must also wait for toasts, grand entrances, dances, etc. before dinner, you're really pushing it.  They’re hungry.  What’s the hold-up?

Then there's this fashion of spreading of the meal over the four-hour length of the reception.  For three courses?  C’mon.  When was the last time you took four hours to eat a salad, an entree, and cake?   I observe that people are happier if they eat up front, have their cake and coffee right after dinner like a normal person does, and then get their party on, or whatever entertainments are in store.  Unless you’re serving a European-style feast with ten courses, stretching a dinner because you've got four hours to fill isn’t very pleasant.  Find other ways to occupy the time after dinner, or just book a shorter reception (you might save a little money that way, too.)  

And for Pete’s sake, book enough waitstaff to get food out and plates removed fast.  This is one of the chief causes of grousing, and it will reflect badly on you and your choice of caterer, not the waitstaff.

Grouse Number Three : “We came all this way and they completely ignored us.”

Ignoring your guests isn't just rude, it can be harmful.  If you don't consider their creature comforts--whether there are enough bathrooms, for example, or whether they'll freeze or get sunburned or wet--your neglect can lead to messes and, in the worst case, a medical emergency.   If rather than eloping you choose to have a wedding with other people present, THE FIRST PRIORITY OF YOUR WEDDING PLANNING--before your attire, the flowers and linens, before food, garnishes, and music selection--SHOULD BE THE COMFORT AND SAFETY OF YOUR GUESTS.

To wit: scrutinize your venue for hazards that might lead to disaster--slick or uneven floors with unanchored runners, broken or uncomfortable chairs and tables, inadequate heating or ventilation.  if you have frail or elderly guests, pay special attention to the location of their seating and be sure they will be comfortable and safe.  If you have guests who are hearing-impaired or don't speak the language, make them a transcript of your ceremony so they can follow along and feel included. Provide sunscreen, water, and parasols if it's hot, blankies and hot beverages if it's cold.  Let guests know what they need to do at all times, don't just leave them hanging around without a clear indication of what's next and when.  And maybe consider asking your (optional) videographer not to shove a videocamera in a guest’s face without asking first, since lots of folks are camera-shy (and you’ll avoid lots of unusable footage.)  Use the golden rule here: treat your guests as you would have them treat you.  In fact, treat them better.  They’ve come a long way.

Finally, a gracious bride and groom will avoid ignoring, starving, and boring their guests because they believe their guests are important.  They realize the wedding day is not all about them and their romance--that's an important element, yes, but this day wouldn't be happening without the tender care, friendship, and support of those in attendance.  A wedding day is meant to honor the assembled community as well as the newlyweds; a thoughtful couple will always bear this in mind. 

By inviting friends and family to your nuptial celebration, you are symbolically inviting them into your new home.  Be hospitable and express your gratitude for their presence not only at your wedding, but in your lives.  If you do, they will talk about your lovely wedding--with sincerity--for years to come.


Until next time, a sweet and long life to you all.  






Elizabeth Oakes invites you to send your questions and suggestions to weddingexaminer@gmail.com.