How to screw up your wedding, part four: develop unrealistic expectations!

July 16, 12:15 AMWedding and Marriage ExaminerElizabeth Oakes

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     Thanks to Sean Mack, Steve Sims, and WikiMedia Commons

 It’s so easy!   Just like saving Tinkerbell, all you have to do is believe, really believe that:

It won’t rain during rainy season because it’s your wedding day, and if it is raining you won’t need to move inside or use tents or umbrellas or anything--it’s okay for everyone and everything to get soaked because you’re getting married.   Your wedding planner will not come down with pneumonia, the officiant’s flight will not be cancelled, and the marriage license bureau will be open whenever it’s convenient for you, their computers up and working perfectly.  You will not catch the flu from your kids, nor will anyone else.  Grandma, Dad, and Uncle Pete, despite walkers, canes, varicose veins, recent or impending surgeries, heart problems, or high blood pressure, will have no difficulty trekking long distances to your ceremony location because it is so beautiful there.  There will be no traffic to contend with no matter what the time or day, and all the guests will show up bang on the dot at the invitation time. Babies won’t start screaming and planes won’t roar over during your wedding either, and thankfully gravity will not be in effect so your strapless dress with the heavy, dragging train will stay in place over your breasts, no matter how much YouTube evidence you’ve seen to the contrary.  

Additionally, no one in the bridal party will perspire when it’s broiling hot, even if they’re wearing three piece black wool suits in the direct sun.  Unity candles in a breeze will not blow out, and tall heavy floral arrangements in huge glass vases on top of unanchored pillars will not fall and shatter if they are jostled by a guest or jittery groomsman.  The sunset will actually hold off if your hairdesser runs late fixing your tiara, and nobody, even Grandma, will have problems seeing in the dark afterwards.   

Children will be uniformly well-behaved and will not dare to become cranky, hungry, or manic despite the long, demanding schedule.  They will refrain from sticking their fingers in your pricey custom cake, waiting patiently for their dinners even if forced to tough it through a prolonged cocktail hour.  Nor will they wander off or amuse themselves in ways that might cause their tiny formal outfits to become soiled.  The  precious little ring bearer will not drop the diamond rings you have entrusted to him, and the wee smidge of a flower girl will not flip out and shriek with terror, holding up the entire processional just before your entrance.

At the reception, the family drunk/narcissist/toddler will not dream of acting out, because that would detract from Your Special Day.  In fact, everyone--despite family feuds, migraines, or drug addiction--will be respectful and smiling at all times, and everything said and done will be wedding-video-worthy and “appropriate.”  

Cakes, bouquets, and floral headdresses will all be resilient and structurally stable, and every vendor will arrive on time and perform their duties impeccably with nary an incident. Your guests won’t get cold, sunburned, hungry, or bored if you leave them hanging for ninety minutes while you take tons of dreamy romantic photos, and camera batteries, lenses, and reflectors and their operators will function with technical precision every time.

You won’t pass out if you don’t eat all day, and you won’t need to use the restroom once your have your wedding clothes on so you can confidently make those last-minute tailoring adjustments with micro safety pins.  Your suddenly svelte body will fit perfectly in your impeccably trimmed and tailored outfit, and it won’t get dirty--even if you walk through mud, bushes, and parking lots, it’ll be fine.

As our geek friends on SlashDot say, "What could possibly go wrong?"  Everything WILL be fine if I just wish it....won’t it? 

I truly hope so.  But--in the unlikely event that things don’t turn out quite as you figured--try this four-point strategy:

1.  Meet unexpected obstacles with grace, creativity, and a sense of humor.  It will all make a great story, someday.  Laugh about it, even if you’re not feeling like it’s so funny.  The humor in the situation will catch up to you later (one hopes.)

2.  Deploy the back-up plan.  You do have a back-up plan, don’t you?

3.  Take a breath and let it go.  Life will go on.  People make mistakes.  You can’t control the weather.  You’re not the only one that matters today and it’s not worth starting a war over.  You can deal with it later and there’s always small claims court.  You Will Survive.  

4.   Remember why you’re here.  Who cares about a dented cake or smudged garment, you’re locking in the love of your life!  Bear in mind your devotion to one another and the larger purpose of this day; if you contemplate that for a moment, nothing else should really matter.  

Everyone has a right to believe in Tinkerbell--and nobody wants her to die!--so go ahead and plan a few fantasy moments during your wedding, just take into account the realities of Grandma and gravity too.  “Keepin’ it real” as you plan will help you create a seamless day.  In the meantime, you might want to watch those YouTube videos again and reconsider your attire--looks like you’ll need to make sure everything’s fireproof, too.

Until next time, a sweet and long life to you all.

Elizabeth Oakes can be contacted at weddingexaminer@gmail.com