Jesus, it's Easter already!

April 10, 5:07 PMInternational LGBT Issues ExaminerKelvin Lynch

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Just as I'm starting to wake up from my Christmas hangover, I realize today is Good Friday, and that can only mean one thing - churches will be packed this Sunday with Christians making their once-a-year pilgrimage to make sure they are still on God's good side.  Then they will eat a lot of food and hide eggs for their kids, at least one of which will remain unfound, only to be unfortunately discovered Monday morning when Dad cranks his car and finds a nasty surprise in the tailpipe. 

Like Cher and Santa Claus, Easter comes but once a year.  Which is too bad, because it's the gayest  religious holiday.  Think about it.  All that candy, decorating, and dressing up in our finest frocks.  The Catholics really go all-out, unboxing some of their finest drag of the season.  Sure, Christmas has these things too, but does it have baskets of fake grass, fluffy bunnies, and little baby chicks?  I think not. 

I wonder if Easter made me gay.  When I was four, I was in the "Easter Parade" at my Southern Baptist church, which was really just a front for a sick children's beauty pageant.  Think babies wearing pink lipstick with green eyeshade.  I remember getting all dressed up in a new little powder blue suit and being so excited and nervous onstage as the audience marveled at my astounding cuteness.   I was so jealous that the little girls got to wear dresses and tease their hair and wear makeup, but no matter.  I won the boy's division anyway with my platinum blond hair and perma-smile.  I think the little wink I gave the preacher's wife at the end of the runway is what did it.  Yes, I knew early on how to work it.  It was my introduction to show business.

I used to love those cheap little Paas egg decorating kits.  To me, egg decorating was serious business.  I was not content merely to dye my eggs a solid color.   No, my eggs had to be tri-colored, words written on them in glitter, with stars and sparkly things.  I was always the one to decorate the "prize egg" - the one that one of my cousins would find and take to my grandpa, who would give them a dollar.  I never found the damn prize egg.  When I was older, like 7 or 8, I was the one in charge of organizing the egg hunt for the younger children.  This was a big deal.  Everything was carried out with Japanese discipline.   How many eggs would be needed?  How could each egg be decorated so that no two were the same?  How best to hide the eggs so that they woudln't be too easy or too hard to find?  At exactly what times would the egg hunting begin and end?  That was my first foray into event planning. 

But what has to be the gayest thing of all about Easter is the fact that it is a celebration of the resurrection of a hot naked man (at least as Jesus has been depicted in paintings) who died for our sins.  See, attractive people never die, they are just recycled.  They come back wearing a white flowing robe and a glowing halo over their heads, and promise us a better life. People worship their eternal youth.  This was my first lesson in gay culture.

Maybe I just enjoyed Easter more because I was always gay.  Who knows?  It's a chicken-or-egg sort of question really, which is appropriate, because it's Easter.  Where's my egg dying kit and glitter?