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How to make fun of a sailor
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Fenders Out!
Sailors take themselves pretty seriously. The more pretentious out there call it "yachting"; some even wear "yachting" gear when not on the boat. In short, as a subculture, sailors are ripe to be made fun of. But you have to pick your moments, you need to know when they're doing something that even their own compatriots will laugh at. Here's a short list.
When to make fun of a sailor:
1. When they're "baylining". This is the condition that many find their boats in when they're lazy; they left the slip with, egads, their fenders still dangling overboard. If you see this, the appropriate reaction is to point and laugh. I sometimes take pictures.
2. When the crew is wearing matching foul weather gear. This is OK if you're competing for the America's Cup. It's ridiculous if you're out for an afternoon sail. The appopriate response is to beat them in the race and then ask them at the party afterwards where they got their "cool gear".
3. When sailors talk about how fast they're going. This is absurd. Really really fast boats go about 20 MPH. Race boats go around 8 to 10 MPH. My boat goes around 5 to 6 MPH. Let's compare...humans walk around 3 MPH and jog at about 7 MPH. So race boats are a bit above a jog. World class marathon runners average around 10 MPH, Usain Bolt runs at about 23 MPH. Are sailboats really fast? Proper reaction is to walk away and ask, "hey, can your boat keep up with me?".
4. O boy, topsiders. What can you say about topsiders? Maybe in the early days of "yachting", a leather shoe with oddly placed laces and weird ridges was considered high tech. But do "yachties" really have to wear them off the boat? I don't know the appropriate reaction...like most everyone my age, I wore them in high school so perhaps just look down in mutual shame?
5. This one is probably the most important. Sailors talk funny with all that starboard and avast and tiller and boom and other odd terms. At one point there must have been a reason for sailors to have their own language; most likely because a ship could have sailors from many different countries and cultures (this still exists, see the America's Cup crews). But is there really a reason to exclude the common man from conversation? Why ask someone to "trim the afterguy" when "pull the blue rope" will suffice? Why use terms like galley and head when kitchen and bathroom are far more understandable? The appropriate reaction is, obviously, a blank stare or ask them to repeat themselves in whatever foreign language you know.
6. Now for the last rule, don't make fun of sailors, they might give you a ride (see crew list). Then you can wear a cool yellow outfit with topsiders while talking funny about how fast you went with your fenders dangling. Just like real sailors.
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