The seven habits of morbidly obese coworkers

May 20, 5:02 PMLife in the Cubicle ExaminerDudley B. Dawson

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You pooped in the refrigerator?
And you ate the whole...
wheel of cheese?
How'd you do that?
Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing.
- Ron Burgandy

According to sources all over the Internet, the common workplace keeps getting fatter.  As a member of the corporate workforce, I don't need the news to inform me of this trend.  I'm surrounded by them and I observe them on a daily basis.  Here are the seven habits of morbidly obese coworkers:

1. Using elevators to transport you just one floor, up or down, while attempting to hide the loud breathing.  If there's one thing all obese people have in common, it's having absolutely no shame in avoiding stair cases.  Some even proudly state "I don't do stairs".  Getting to the elevator is hard enough for them.  By the time they get to the elevator they are gasping for air.  They were hoping for a quick breather, but the elevator always comes right away.  Instead, they are forced to make an attempt at hiding the deep breathing.  The effort only leads to even more difficult breathing and results in noises that resemble a weeping child attempting to stop his uncontrollable crying.  Other elevator riders are left wondering if they should press the alarm button.

2. Heavy breathing to walk from cube to toilet and back.  This occurs twelve times per day.  Going to the bathroom makes up 70% of their aerobic activity for the day.

3. Spending an inordinate amount of time making sure your nails or hair look good (females only).  Fat women focus 100% of their time on the 'window dressing'.  It's like a blind person working on their vision.  They seem to lack the notion that hair and nails should be secondary to the extra 150 lbs they are carrying.

4. Eating healthy foods in public places and using healthy foods to supplement their caloric intake which had surpassed the recommended guidelines by 8am.  Fat people love to get salads at the work cafeteria.  It allows them to publicly display how hard they try.  "It's just bad genes...I can't control it."  They extend on this failed attempt by using healthy snacks to supplement their already enormous caloric intake.  Anytime you walk by their cube they're snacking on carrots, then grapes, then an apple, then celery, and might even finish it off with some licorice that they believe to be healthy because it's fat free.  The moment they escape from the public eye they inhale a king sized Almond Joy in one breath.

5. Bringing an extra pair of tennis shoes for your walk during lunch (mostly females).  The obese love to bring extra "tennys" to work for their afternoon walk (the other 30% of their aerobic activity).  Again, this is mostly for show as it usually consists of a one block loop, or in some cases a walk around a small building.  On the way back, they execute item #1 and use the elevator to go up one floor.  Fat people are very fond of obscure shoes that offer better support than the typical brands.  Their foot apparel is usually the result of suggestions from Orthopedic specialists.  Propet and Ryka are old standbys.

6. Demanding ergonomic work furniture.  Similar to shoes, the obese require work furniture that supports people of their carriage.  Wide chairs, strong chair backings, and wrist support are just a few of the ridiculous items these people demand and receive.

7. Bragging about how much weight they've lost (at least twice a year).  The obese love fad dieting.  It's not uncommon for them to take two roller coaster rides per year in which they let everyone know how much weight they've lost.  Until then, you had no idea losing 43 lbs could go unnoticed.  Things quiet down a bit as they balloon up for their next ride, but during the initial phases of each diet the obese rely heavily upon Lean Cuisine frozen meals.  This results in huge backups in the break room as it takes 4-5 minutes to cook each one, stir, place back in for 2-3 additional minutes and let cool for 1 minute.  By the time they complete the process there are 14 others waiting to use the microwave.

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'Seven Habits' is a recurring article appearing in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column at completely random moments.
View the Seven Habits of: Highly Effective Slackers | Highly Annoying Emailers | Disrespectful Work Poopers | Morbidly Obese Coworkers | Typical Bad Managers | Highly Effective Interns | Defective Conference Call Leaders | Incapable Technotards | Highly Anal Employees | Highly Arrogant Employees | Highly Disengaged Employees

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