Dads Deal with Miscarriage Too

April 21, 4:16 PMFatherhood ExaminerJoe Schatz

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Miscarriage is not just something that women endure.

I think most people view miscarriages as something that only affects women, I know I did.  I didn’t let myself grieve or really examine what had happened because everyone rallied around my wife.  It wasn’t until months had passed that it hit me—like a ton of bricks.   

My Story:

We were almost three months along and on a vacation with the family when my wife told me that something wasn’t right.  It was just before noon when she started to notice blood.  We raced home and the doctor sent us to the hospital for an examination and even though there was a lot of “spotting” they weren’t overly concerned—we were though.  My wife knew something wasn’t right and her doctor told her to rest although there was nothing she could do if she was about to have a miscarriage.  We Google’d it to death and found little comfort in a similar consensus—if she was about to have a miscarriage there was nothing we could do.  That night she felt increasingly more ill and finally had to get in the shower to battle nausea and stomach cramps.  It was just shortly after she got in the shower I heard her scream for me—it sounded very bad. 

Sounds resonate in the memories of many events in my life.  I remember the sounds of my grandfathers and grandmothers voices even though they are years gone, I remember the sound of my first cat’s meow and I vividly remember what my wife sounded like when she called for my help that night.  

She was basically in hysterics.  My eyes quickly shifted from her to the shower’s floor.  I will spare you the awful details, but what I saw that evening was horrific.  My wife had tried but the drain couldn’t handle removing “it.”  There I was with a wife in hysterics, desperate to make “it” go away—I had to act.  I grabbed up some tissues and collected “it” and flushed “it” down the toilet.  As I carried out the dark deed, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was I was actually flushing.  I was sick.  She was sick.  It lasted maybe two minutes, but it remains with me and always will. 

As the days and weeks passed, our family & friends stopped by or sent cards, flowers and care packages to console my wife.  It was great; she received a tremendous amount of support.  I was there for her too.  She was really hit hard by all of what happened.  I was somewhere neither here nor there.  I was along for the ride and kept denying the fact that I was shaken up by all that happened. 

Being a stay at home dad, I was really looking forward to another kid.  That’s not to say my wife was looking forward to another child any less than I, but I was already mentally prepared for the changes in my life.  I was going to have to deal with poopy diapers and crying kids for that many more years and my professional life was going to be on hold for that many more years all kinda lingered with me even months after the miscarriage.   

It was about 4 months after the miscarriage that my wife and I got an opportunity to have a ‘date night.’  We were out alone and it was just strange that was when all the emotions caught up to me.  Being an absolute man’s man, I can write this without regret.  That night, my wife brought up the evening of the miscarriage and all that transpired and as I began to talk about it--I surprised myself by breaking out in tears.  I started crying really hard.  I obviously held in my grief for too long and denied myself the opportunity to deal with what happened. 

A miscarriage is losing all that could have been and that is a very difficult thing to go through for both of the parents to be.  Our culture seems to think miscarriages only affect women, but that truly is half the story.  Dads experience feelings of intense grief, shock, helplessness and anger to name a few.   

What feelings Dads can expect to deal with after a Miscarriage:

Denial/Shock:  The number one thing that dads have to deal with, in my opinion is denial.  Our culture emphasizes the fact that women are hurt by miscarriages—don’t get caught up in that trend.  It’s ‘ok’ to get upset—you just lost a child to be.  You might even feel like nothing happened just after the miscarriage—don’t be fooled. 

Helplessness:  I remember the night of the miscarriage—I couldn’t do anything to help and it crushed me.  After the miscarriage, I was searching Google for days trying to find out why and if we should risk trying for another.  It is simply out of your control and although it sounds cliché—these things just happen.   

Guilt: As a guy, I remember thinking that maybe my swimmers were defective or even inadequate.  Maybe it was how I came to an abrupt stop in the minivan that one time or maybe it was that I didn’t pay attention as carefully as I should to my wife’s diet.  It took me a while to let go of that baggage, but it was for the best. 

Anger:  Why does God let these things happen?  Why did God want my baby before he or she was born?  I have read that some dads might be angry with themselves or feel responsible for losing the baby and then project this anger onto their wives—this helps no one and is just another emotion that we feel as we go through the grieving process.   

Grief:  You are likely to experience strong feelings of loss, not only for the child itself but for the life you imagined for yourself and your partner after the baby was born. 

Inadequacy:  Grief can make you think funny things like, “Maybe I am the cause of all this and not only did I screw up making the baby, but now I am not there for my wife like I should be because I feel so down.”  It wasn’t your fault and it never was—talk about what your feelings are with your partner and let out your emotions before they impact you negatively. 

Those are some of the emotions to look out for, but what do I do now after reading this? 

Men Dealing with Miscarriage: 

If you recently experienced loss through a miscarriage, don’t wait—talk about your feelings whenever you can.  Don’t be afraid to cry or express yourself—facing your problems head on is braver than hiding behind them with anger and negativity.   

If a Friend or Family member is dealing with Miscarriage: 

The next time you hear a friend or family member have experienced loss through miscarriage—don’t leave the man out of the healing equation.  If you are a women reading this—encourage your husband to do something nice like take the guy out for a round of golf or to go fishing.  Give the guys a chance to work it out and talk.  If it is your spouse going through this with you—do not leave them out.  They are hurting too.  The chances are that the stronger they act the more they hurt behind all that.   

Are you a dad or potential dad and have had an experience with miscarriage?  How did it affect you?  Do you think that society rallies around the mom and forgets the dad in these situations?  Why?