• Child is looking to you to do menial tasks like diaper change, bathing them, etc.  This is a commonly overlooked sign.  If you give in too easily here it can quickly spiral out of control.
• Child looks at you as their jailer.  Lets face it, kids need to go somewhere while we watch Sports Center or play Tiger Woods 2007 and they soon start to act out through crying when they are put into their cribs.  This is also known as the "I Know I am Tired But I Don't Want to Take My Nap Now" State or IKIT-BID-WTMNN State.
• You are peed on.  Children doing this are very close to stage 4.  At this point some babies may actually begin to goosestep like they are in military procession. Children in this stage will also throw food off their high chairs and cups onto the ground without warning.  
• Child writes a story about their struggle.  Now what to look for here is the innocent looking scraps of paper with "doodles" or their nasty big brother "scribbles."  "Doodles" and "Scribbles" are carefully orchestrated codes.  Loops indicate aggression.  Swipes are signs of larger plans.  "Dots"...lets just hope you don't see those. 

Child culminates all of this planning into a Coup d'etat which usually happens at either a family gathering or a restaurant when they're invulnerable to parental challenges. Child cries loudly for no reason (see most annoying sound ever).  Check mate!  Who's in charge now?  Your hands are tied, there is nothing you can do except let the little despot take command from here on out.  So next time you see a child wailing away in a restaurant with the parents bickering amongst themselves it may very well be a case of BH.

 As you can see, my list is dominant.  A stay at home dad not only does all the typical mommy like things in the house, but they also mow the lawn and take out the trash--at least in our house.  My argument is this, since I do the mommish stuff shouldn't I be getting the day off on Sunday?  And my wife, who actually leaves her shoes all over the house and is horrible at optimizing the dishwasher, should be waiting until June for her day?  I mean, at least according to 'the man' who pumps out the greeting cards that litter grocery stores, local pharmacies, Targets and Hallmark stores. 

Also, another aside, this time about these "hallmark holidays."  These holidays, like Valentines Day and Mother's Day and such, are just ways for stores to get some sales during slower months of the year, right?  Seriously, do we need holidays to remember those folks we see everyday or at least more often than most folks?  I don't need a holiday to remind me that I love my wife and to treat her right, however, I think trashmen are often taken for granted.  I leave my trash unorganized and just falling all over the place.  These guys got their work cut out for them when they get to my house.  No free lunch here.  It might be an old couch one week and the next like 12 bags of leaves and a pile of warped wood.  Other folks have these sparkling clean trash cans and these guys only throw out or put stuff into their trash cans if it is in a bag...not me.  Chick-Fil-A cups, McDonalds Toys, newspapers, and much much worse are just loosely swimming in the can.  Poor trash dude.  Why not have a national holiday for folks, like the trashmen, that provide us with a service?  Trashman Day, Police Man Day, Firemen Day, Walmart Greeter Guy Day and so on.  No corny cards, no stupid lame gifts--just a "thank you." 

I guess what I am saying is I take of the motherly responsibilities in our house and my wife does the guy stuff.   I had quite a few people wish me "Happy Mother's Day" which kinda got me to thinking--should SAHDs get a separate day? or am I just confused?

Issues With Kids and Corporations:

One thing that I have noticed from staying home is that I have become acutely aware of how women are treated in society from my three daughters to my awesome wife.  Things like clothes choices for toddler girls to Bratz dolls make me look at how society's attention is focused on girls and how they look more than anything else.  Looks, popularity and money are over emphasized and brains, sincerity and hard work are overlooked.  I remember shopping for my oldest daughter when she was five and about to play her first year of basketball.  I eventually resigned to buy her boys clothes  since stores, apparently, did not think girls younger than 7/8 played sports.  Boys have sweat pants, mesh shorts & tops in the 18 month size: girls have lacey dresses, flower covered jean shorts and cutesy overalls seemingly everywhere you turn, but no athletic gear.  Granted, I did not try all the stores in the greater tri-state area, but from canvassing Dicks Sporting Goods, Target, Walmart, Kids 'r' Us and the local mall I began to see that the trend wasn't favorable.  My girls deserve cool clothes for sports even though they are just girls.  I admit I buy boys clothes for my girls, is that wrong?  Kids don't understand the drama being played out by marketing campaigns and big wig executives and they don't care.  Kids just want what they want and they want it now, like a fresh diaper or a fruit roll-up for instance. I may be over sensitive but I think girls are pigeon holed from early on.  

My Wife and Work: 

Now, as far as my wife is concerned, it has been a long road for her to get to where she is now in her career.  She is not the type of lady that settles.  I strongly believe there are many other women that are just as talented or even, dare I say, more talented but perhaps less assertive and because of this they may be overlooked or just lower down on the list when it comes time to promote.  I feel that since most places of employment are run by men, women need to be twice or three times as assertive as their male counter parts to be noticed.  Women aren't going to talk about last night's game or go golfing with their male co-workers as often as other men will, which just illustrates the idea that it is easier to unintentionally run a boys club and forget about the lovely ladies.  My wife has been fortunate to be in a work environment where she is taken seriously despite the fact that she is in a male dominated industry.  It is a shame that women are still paid 80cents to every $dollar$ a man makes in a similar position. 

Role Reversal: 

Seven years into our arrangement of me staying home with the kids and other strange things have begun to happen that have broken sexual stereotypes between my wife and I.  I have become adept at shopping and over shopping whereas my wife hates the idea of going to the store on a routine shopping trip--I thrive in it.  Also, my wife is horrible at disinfecting surfaces and really doesn't have a clue how to put her shoes away.  She comes home and dumps her stuff here and there and falls asleep in front of the TV while eating pickles or cheese nachos.  She hasn't taken up watching sports or drinking beer but I don't think those are far off.  I don't knit or scrap book but I do enjoy cooking and braiding my daughters' hair on occasion.  I fear for the future. 

Stay at Home Moms: 

Another part of society that I have paid careful attention to is the phenomenon of the stay-at-home-mom.  Now, if after all my girls are in school and I have an opportunity to get back to a full-time career and I don't  because I would like to become a house husband that would be strange and frowned upon by our societys' standards.  Why are housewives accepted (although I know some moms are scrutinized by their peers)?  I think housewives are more accepted because women are, to some degree, devalued by society and that a woman at home just makes more sense than a woman at work.  I like the idea of a parent being at home with the family as much as the next guy and that is why we decided that we would not farm our kids to daycare (honestly, we couldn't afford it either), so I am not suggesting that a parent at home isn't important, but simply that women are more accepted in this role.  Each situation is unique and I don't portend to think one way is better than another I just get to thinking is all, and these are the thoughts that run through my stay-at-home-dad mind. 

Staying at home with three daughters while my wife brings home the bacon has changed me.  I don't think I was ever not sensitive to the plight of women in society, I just think that looking at the issue from the point of view of a stay at home dad highlights some issues that can be easily be missed.  Have I become a feminist?  I suppose I look at things like a feminist but I never thought of myself as one.  I mean, a feminist thinks women deserve equal treatment right?  If that is what a feminist thinks then I guess I have always been one and it is just common sense.

Now, for some unknown reason, ladies think that playgroups are both "gossip time" and also time to talk about their pregnancies so I have created a list of key words and their respective point totals in a game format so that you, an average guy, can find out just how much estrogen you have been exposed to. The point system below was devised based on how difficult certain words are to hear for a guy.  Here is how the scoring system works:
 

The Playgroup Play Along Game for Dads

• "McDreamy" (1 point)
• "McSteamy" (2 points)
• "Latte" (1 point)
• "Starbucks Latte" (2 points)
• George Clooney (1 point)
• Brad Pitt (2 points)
• "Period" or "That Time of the Month" (1 point)
• "Crampy" (2 points)
• "Retaining Water" (3 points)
• "Did you see her hair?" (1 point)
• "Did you see what she was wearing?" (2 points)
• "She is such a _______" (3 points)
• "Ann Taylor"  (1 point)
• "Longaberger"  (2 points)
•  "Prada" (3 points)
• "Breastfeeding" (1 point) **
  
• "Sore/Chafing Nipples" (2 points) **
• "Breast Pump" (3 point) **
  

The Next Section is the "Pregnancy Section" and contains ideas as well as terminology

• How difficult their pregnancy was (1 point per mom talking about this)
  
• the labor pains (1 point per mom talking about it)
• "Episiotomy" (give yourself 5 points if brought up & an additional 3 points per mom that talks about this one)
• "c-sections" (2 points per mom talking about it)
• the complications (1 point per complication unless it is a c-section or episitomy *see their scoring system above*)
  
• "Epidural" (1/2 point per use of the word, they use it constantly thus giving it little or no value)

Bonus Round! You get 5 points for each time you hear these words:

• "bloody show"
• "water breaking/broke"
  
• "afterbirth"
  
• "sagging breasts"

How did you score?

Under 20 points or "Mild Estrogen Exposure"

Now, if you just attended a playgroup and the score was under 20 points you need to buck up young man, you are one of the lucky ones.  Rub some dirt on it and move along, 'tis merely a flesh wound.

20 to 30 points or "Intermediate Estrogen Exposure"  

If you just returned from a playgroup and you tallied over 20 points but less then 30 you deserve a cold beer and about an hour of watching the three stooges to re-assimilate back into male culture.

30 to 40 points or "Advanced Estrogen Exposure" 

If you returned from a playgroup and you marked down between 30 to 40 points on your scorecard you need a six pack S.T.A.T.  Also, I suggest detoxing from the estrogen overload by lifting weights, mowing the lawn, trying to change your oil (even if you don't know how), or heading to the driving range and getting the 'Jumbo' bucket.

40 to 50 points or "Severe Estrogen Exposure"

If you are one of the soldiers that just endured hell on Earth, that is if have just returned from a session where you tallied between 40-50 points, there are no easy answers.  I don't know why this happens to good people, but I do offer a solution.  *Note: This is a long term strategy*  Begin playing a first person shooter console game immediately.  If you do not have a first person shooter game, resort to Madden or another sport/fighting game if you don't have this watch Rocky over and over.  By day two of this you should now be able to detox by using the same strategy employed for those who suffered a 30 to 40 point scorecard.  If you have flashbacks to the playgroup you should immediately begin playing a console game until that feeling subsides.  Also you will need at least 36 hot wings a large pizza (you can choose the toppings) and around 12-48 beers (depending on your tolerance of course) to get through this.

Over 50 Points or "Epic Estrogen Exposure"

Finally, if you have endured a round of over 50 points you are most likely at Ann Taylor Loft trying on clothes.  Pray that someone finds you before you start scrap-booking or trying your hand at needle point while watching a Hugh Grant flick.  I have heard rumors of a guy that had a 200 point round.  Legend has it that he ran off leaving mainstream society completely.  Months later, as it was passed down to me, he eventually surfaced in some underworld sewing circle.  *note: this story is most likely completely made up, but totally possible* If you have experienced this type of playgroup, first, I am so very,very sorry.  Second, you need to calm down.  Take a standing ten count.  There are three known solutions to bring a fella back from the brink after such an event:

• A weekend poker tournament at either Vegas or AC
• A weekend golf trip with the guys
• Joining a reputable fight club (no shoving matches or name calling groups)
• A Roundhouse Kick to the chin from Mr. Norris (may also cause death which is still better)*
  

Lingering effects of such an exposure include, but are not limited to:

• reading Redbook at doctors' offices
• laughing at Rosie O'Donnell's jokes
• watching and liking Fried Green Tomatoes
• singing Wilson Phillips' song "Hold On" without prompting and without external provication

Smart Enough That You Understand Up to This Point

IQ > 100

Gigantic Tower of Clean (Critical) Laundry 

Almost Folded

A General is Nothing Without Footmen

Excellent at Less Complicated Folds

A Place to Detain The Insolent

Must Be Sturdy and Free From Debris to Climb On

The Insolent

Anyone That Unfolds Is Better Off Confined

Rewards for Hard Work

A Serious Job Deserves Serious Rewards

It is really simple actually.  If you did not figure it out, then here is a review:

1. Make huge, manly pile of laundry
2. Force feed children old enough to fear you into action
3. Confine all children young enough to get in the way, as they will take pleasure in unfolding
4. Fold until bored
5. Play console game of choice
6. Repeat steps 4  & 5 until completed

Remember, laundry doesn't fold itself unless you have the help of little children.  Good luck and happy folding.