Add to favorites Examiner Bio

Tick-tock goes your biological clock: For whom the bell tolls

THE EMOTIONAL TOLL

 

The constraints of the biological clock in a woman can have a large emotional impact. Many of us grow up playing with dolls from before we can speak and have a driving desire to become a mother. It should not be assumed that this is true of all women and there are many other meaningful ways to live one’s life. Having said this, I’ve come into contact with numerous women who long to have the opportunity to raise a child. Their frustration mounts when all the events in their lives do not perfectly align to allow this to happen in traditional ways. They usually have not met a man with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives, perhaps they have chosen to focus on their career for awhile and now they are nearing 40 years old and are running out of time to meet someone, marry and conceive.

 

This is not to say that there are not other ways to have a child (and we will explore this) but some of the time at least, women only want to conceive in the traditional way (and order) and this can be hard to authentically manifest in such a small window of time.

 

Emotionally, this can take its toll. Women often beat themselves up for not being more proactive on the dating scene when they were younger and can sometimes begin to feel that they are not ‘normal’ and something is wrong with them. This can make an already anxiety producing situation worse. 

 

They cannot go backwards to change things and are not sure how to proceed going forward to assure they can now still manifest their heart’s desire. The pressure and guilt can be immense and it does not allow them to appreciate the many wonderful aspects of themselves and the lives they have created.

 

THE ‘X FACTOR’ TOLL

 

The truth is that people are emotionally ready to settle down and have a relationship at different times and this does not necessarily coincide with when their physiologically ready. What is normal for one person is not normal for another. And to make this matter more confusing, our physiology also has a range of normality. Statistically there is a drop in fertility after 35 years old and again at 40 years old but some women are more likely to be fertile at 40 years old than a 37 year old woman would be. So, although there is a biological window, there is no clear reliable age cutoff to fertility. Doctors cannot tell you this ahead of time, they need to give you a barrage of tests to determine your fertility level.

 

 

THE TOLL OF OUR REACTION:

 

I often see three reactions to the dilemma of the biological clock. I call it the ‘three reactions in the face of pending infertility.’ Each reaction has adaptive and challenging aspects. They are:

 

FATALISTIC FAITH:

 

This person says, ‘If I meet someone, I meet someone. What can I do? If it is meant to happen it will.’ 

 

The adaptive qualities of this attitude are that this person does not drive herself crazy to fit a mold and she tries to enjoy and accept life as it comes. This is very important.

 

The challenging part of this position is that she may look back and regret not having children and wonder if she took the issue seriously enough and took some action to manifest her heart’s desire.

 

In my dating classes I ask students how much they want to find a mate (from 0-10, 10 being the highest). They usually say they want to find a mate a 10. Then I ask them how much action they have taken (from 0-10, 10 being the highest) in the past few months to go to singles events etc. Usually their action rating is a 2 or 3. So invariably there is a disconnection between their level of desire and the action they take to get it.

 

We certainly cannot control outcomes in love but we can take steps to put ourselves out there and walk our talk.

 

 

COMMACAZE KATE:

 

This person is the opposite of ‘fatalistic Faith.’ She knows she has a small window in which to conceive a child and she is on a ‘do or die mission.’ She is in panic mode and this goal is on her mind 24 hours a day. At its’ worst she can’t sleep, has panic attacks and begins to fall into a depression.

At her best, she is constantly acting to find ways to meet a mate marry and have a child.

 

The adaptive qualities of this attitude are that this person takes her life into her hands and takes action. She admits what is important to her (to herself and others) and puts herself out there on a regular basis to manifest it.   This takes courage.

 

The challenging side of this attitude is that at the extreme, it is exhausting and can sometimes appear desperate to dates. For good reason, these women are thinking about having kids from that first phone call and the need for things to happen quickly gets conveyed. Sometimes this freaks men out or they can feel that she cares more about having children then really getting to know them and falling in love. This realistic time frame makes sense to her but it is also important to be aware of how it may present to her dates and to try and tone down the anxiety a bit if possible.

 

She may also risk impulsively choosing anyone to marry just to have a child. There is a difference between settling (because no one is perfect) and picking randomly out of fear and resenting your life mate later. People make all kinds of choices in life and can make them work so this is not about me judging you. I am just suggesting that fear can make us act out unconsciously and you can slow down a bit and make sure that you are making conscious choices that you will live with and that will work for you long-term .

 

ALTERNATIVE ANNIE:

 

 

This person reviews all her options so that she can take control of manifesting her dream of being a mom right away. These alternative options usually include freezing her eggs, IVF, adoption, surrogacy and fostering a child. 

 

The adaptive qualities of this attitude include her open mindedness and willingness to think about of the box to achieve her goal. This shows that she is comfortable enough in her own skin to forge her own path despite possible judgment and feels potentially capable enough to become a parent on her own. She is also grateful for the host of options technology has afforded her that might not have been there for women in the past.

 

The challenging aspects of this attitude include being a single mom and not having a co-parent, coming up with financial resources for medical interventions, facing possible disappointment in the face of medical intervention, and the legal constraints such as an age limit for adoption.

 

THE COMBO APPROACH?

 

Perhaps what is needed is a combination of accepting the constraints of your existing situation, the verve to take action where you can and the flexibility to look at all your options until you can find a solution that works for you.

 

The biological clock dilemma is a difficult place to be and I do not mean to make light of it with these characterizations of common reactions to possible pending infertility. 

 

Maybe someday science will widen this window further but as it stands, women do need to be conscious of our biological clocks and learn how to lovingly parent ourselves through the fear, longing and choices we may need to make to have a child and all that requires.

 

In life there are many imperfect situations. You can be married and be unable to conceive or finally be ready to become a single mom and experience infertility issues. You can become infertile in your 30’s before your even ready emotionally to have a child. It is what we do in the face of this uncertainty that is vital. 

It is important to remember to appreciate what we have already created in our lives and what an impact we have on our world.

 

This face of uncertainty reminds me of that serenity prayer that I think they say in AA ‘Please grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’

 

I try my best to help single women in their late 30’s and early 40’s connect with their inner wisdom around this issue and trust the path that is right for them.

 

All of us have successes and disappointments in life and ultimately the best we can do is to love and accept ourselves through all of it.

 

Please email me at kpaulet@verizon.net or post your comments and experiences here, regarding your biological clock.  Thanks!

 

My Best in Love,

 

Paulette

 

 

For more info:  www.mydatingschool.com