Are you a good parent?

January 15, 9:29 PMDenver Early Childhood Parenting ExaminerMeredith Jameson

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Sometimes bad parenting is easy to spot. For instance, 7 News here in Denver recently ran a story about a father who left his 4-year-old asleep in a car in below-freezing temperatures for hours...while he went inside a nearby house and "visited" with a 13-year-old girl. (You can read the story here.)

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I think it's safe to say that we can all agree that, my friend, is very poor parenting. In fact, it's pretty much paramount to abuse.

But what about the rest of us in our everyday lives? I often wonder where I stand on the spectrum of parenting. I'm pretty sure I'm a good mother...but don't we all think that? Isn't that, in fact, part of the reason we can get up in the morning after being up all night with the baby, feed the 4-year-old-breakfast, deal with the fact that everyone's tired and cranky...and still manage to get everyone fed and dressed and ready and maybe even sing along to "Old McDonald Had a Farm" in the car on the way to school for the fifty-millionth time?

But does that make us a good parent? Or just a parent?

It's hard to say. Perhaps even impossible. I tend to hold myself up against a slew of mothers that I imagine are out there, "good" mothers who don't snap at their kids no matter how tired they are, who manage somehow to keep the house clean on a constant basis, who can spend their days raising their children while they act as the family chauffeur, cheerleader, housekeeper, cook, oh, and even income-maker of the family...and still have energy and time at the end of the day for their husband.

And I try, I really do, to keep up with all those imaginary mothers. But I admit that there are days that I do snap at my kids, that my house does get dirty (and sometimes stays that way for awhile), and that I quite frankly get really worn out trying to do everything and be everything to everyone. But I still believe that I'm doing my best and that my kids are happy, healthy, curious, polite, funny, and sweet (who, me, biased?), so I must be doing at least okay in terms of the parenting standard.

However, I decided to turn to the experts to see what actually makes a good parent. Here's a list I found that I thought was pretty interesting, if not accurate:

1. Provide unconditional love and encouragement to your child.

Saying I love you, is important. But even more important is showing your child that you love them by giving your time and attention. Playing games, reading stories, and talking all show your love. Encouragement is also essential. Every child needs
to feel like their parents are their best cheerleader. And with their parents help they can accomplish anything.

2. Make your kids a high priority.

This doesn't mean that you don't take care of yourself and your marriage. But it does mean that your children should come before others. This may mean that you need to say no sometimes. It can be hard time to say no and you may have to remind yourself that if you say yes, you will be placing your children lower on the priority list.

3. Strengthen your team.

Strengthening your team applies to parents. It means that parents agree beforehand on important issues like rules and discipline. They discuss together important decisions that need to be made concerning the children and family.

4. Discipline consistently.

To cultivate this quality of being a good parent is one of the hardest things to do. At the end of a hard day it is so easy to give in to a child that is crying or whining, but that is not consistent. It does not teach them and only makes your job as a parent more difficult. Set limits and rules and always enforce them.

5. Teach responsibility.

Give your children responsibilities. Children need to understand that they are responsible for their own actions and the consequences that follow. IIt is also important to teach them how to take care of their things and how to participate in a family. Kids who grow up thinking that messes will magically get taken care of for them grow up to be adults who expect the same thing.

6. Create togetherness through routines.

Daily, weekly, or even yearly family rituals create a bond between family members. It may be as simple as reading a book together every night or taking a yearly trip to the beach. You may wish to set aside one night every week for Family Night, whether that means going out for pizza or staying home to play games or watch movies. Dr. Neifert says rituals provide the "social glue that bonds one generation to another, creating many of the special anchor memories within a family".

7. Take time to recharge.

Parents need to take some time for themselves. When you are running on empty you are not doing your children any good. Sleep deprivation, isolation and self-neglect can leave parents feeling physically depleted, emotionally discouraged and ineffective. Make an effort to spend time with your husband on a daily, of not regular basis. It will reap rewards for everyone.

(Source: Pediatrician Marianne Neifert, http://www.thecutekid.com/parenting/good-parent.php)

Honestly, I don't know if that's a list of standards by which a good parent can be defined, or a list of standards by which we can all aspire to be better parents. Personally? I think I'll take the latter.