Dating, love and feminism: do men prefer submissive women?

October 29, 8:31 AMSF Dating Advice ExaminerDeborrah Cooper

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Submissive women are preferred by some men.

An English professor wrote the words: "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students in his class to punctuate the phrase correctly.

The males wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The females wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

How many men have ever been truly challenged by women to question their deeply ingrained sense of entitlement to and superiority over women? The National Organization for Women (NOW) founded on this date in 1966, launched an organized fight against the socialization and stereotypes which limited opportunities and possibilities for women.

Though 40 years have passed and great progress has taken place, many men continue to feel that a woman who describes herself as "a feminist" is a male basher that hates men. To these fellows, a woman who would dare upset the well established imbalance of power by requesting an equal share, respect and opportunities for females is viewed as someone whose goal is to destroy the family, and men in particular.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Taking a stand against male oppression and fighting for a woman to have the right to say "No!" to you and make choices that suit her does not mean that such a woman is against you. Being pro-woman does not mean that one is anti-male.

According to the dictionary, feminism is "the movement for the full social, political and economic equality of all people." When viewed in those terms, how could any decent man be against the feminist movement?

For thousands of years, society has been constructed to place men in a position of superiority over women. Our social structure has placed males in control, which means men have conveniently had things their way for generations. Men have been judge jury and executioner over what is right and wrong for women and girls. From the way we dress, how we wear our hair, what we can say, where we "should be" and what we do with our bodies sexually have been dictated by men for generation upon generation.

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm

When men get together, it is common to hear them lament the loss of the "old days" when women 'knew their role" and understood "the natural order of things" as they relate to women subjugating themselves to men. Sighing, they reflect fondly on the 1950s and 1960s, a time when women "took pride in wearing an apron, cooking, and being stay-at-home housewives."

On numerous occasions men have expressed to me the belief that all hell broke loose in America when the feminist movement came into being in the 1970s. Feminism has been blamed not only for the dysfunction in my own Black community, but for the collapse of every institution in the nation such as churches, schools, families and communities due to the distortion of gender roles brought about by feminists. Gloria Steinem's statement: "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" is often referred to as a declaration of gender war.

It should be expected that men will resist and resent any female that would have the gall to say that the old way is not benefitting her, and that she has no interest in participating in that system. Men don't seem to understand that prior to the 1970s, women were socialized to not expect much for themselves. Being a wife and mother was pretty much ALL that women were expected to be, to do, and to achieve. Even college educated women that could have contributed a great deal to our culture and society were silenced by the weight of the patriarchy which mandated that they stay at home, raise babies and have a home-cooked dinner on the table at 6:00 p.m. sharp.

Women were depressed, miserable, lonely and unfulfilled, but men somehow fail to see that. As long as their needs were being met and their fantasies fulfilled, they are happy. You don't believe that being at home with children all day is stressful and anxiety provoking? Think of Andrea Yates as a perfect example of the chokehold women were in, unable to breathe from enduring the burden of the thankless social role stay at home mothering can be when forced upon you by the tenet of "female submission."

Submission: (1) the act of submitting, yielding, or surrendering; (2) the quality or condition of being submissive; resignation; obedience; meekness; (3) the act of submitting to the authority or control of another: "Oppression that cannot be overcome does not give rise to revolt but to submission" (Simone Weil); (4) the condition of having submitted to the power of someone else; (5) the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant.

Male superiority is nothing but a tool men use to control women, to make women predictable and malleable so that men can feel more secure about what a woman does with her body. That is the whole purpose of all these rules and the desire for a "submissive" woman you know… to provide the male with sexual services when he wants them, and assurances that the female body he calls his really is under his power and control. It is of utmost importance that he knows where his body is at all times, who has access to it, and that no one is getting in it but him.

Sadly, many women fail to question their belief in male superiority as well. Brainwashed by their fathers and pastors, deacons and teachers to believe that the only way they can acquire the love of a man and marry, they hang tightly to the belief that it is not in a woman's nature to lead, effect change, or stand up and be heard.

Understand ladies: it is not in a woman's "nature" to be anything but great and powerful self-actualizing citizens of the world. Yet various cultures and religions have limited female options and choices based strictly on gender. Women of today, their mothers, and their mother's mothers have all been socialized by men to believe that men are superior and that women should subjugate themselves to males, but that is nothing but a lie.

Women's chains have been forged by men, not by anatomy. ~Estelle R. Ramey

Women are powerful, smart, strong creatures, emotionally resilient, caring, and in touch with themselves and others emotionally. Women are by far the stronger of the sexes in every way but physically. No woman, and especially Black women, has the need to be submissive to men on any level at any time.

And should you meet a man that believes the only way the two of you can have a "happy relationship" is for you to submit and turn over your power to him, you need to seriously consider passing on that guy. Where would his quest for power and control over you end? Men have become so power-mad that they refuse to allow their woman to wear certain clothes, hang out with her friends, or even to wear makeup. They refuse to allow her to work outside the home, have her own money, or go back to school as he decides what is best for her and what he wants to happen with HIS woman.

Giving into to submissiveness would mean that he feels powerful and in control as you slowly allow him to chip away at your self-worth. To make him shine you hide the parts of yourself that you love and that make you YOU, just so he can feel good about himself and his shaky sense of manhood.

At some point men must make an effort to understand that having a penis gives them no special powers, no increased abilities, no more knowledge or experience, nothing more than women have. You are not more than a woman. You are not superior in any way. You are the opposite of women, but you are not better, you are not smarter, you are not faster at anything either. You are just a male. And that does not entitle you to any special privileges or rights or treatment just because you are.

Women, know this: your power is not in submission; your power is in your resilient spirit, in your joyful heart, in your intelligence, and in your soul as a woman. Your power is in your sense of accomplishment and the benefit you bring to your family, your community and the world.

Do not ever let a man convince you to submit to him because he demands it or because he feels it is his rightful position in your life. Surrendering your power and self to the control of men unconditionally will damage and possibly destroy the very essence of your spirit, the very thing that makes you the strong, confident and wonderful woman that you are.

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