Still, it seems like every winter here in Baltimore, you hear people bitching and moaning about how global warming has been disproven and how this godforsaken chill will never leave their bones. And when April and May swing around and we're still slowly defrosting, I don't hear anything but longing for the dog days of summer. Guess we should be careful what we wish for...

Either way, I can't blame the good people of Baltimore for the erratic weather here. But there's not a whole lot I can do to help, either. I can't turn my little window unit A/C around and affect the climate. I can't give you all a Coke and a smile. And I definitely can't take everyone to the waterpark this weekend, as much as I'd like to... maybe in August, kids, when Daddy can get a freakin' weekend off and doesn't have to worry about his boss breathing down his neck, or the damned mortgage that's about to go up in ARMs and ruin his and Mommy's "cuddle time"...

But I digress.

Plus, I hardly ever work weekends, I don't even have a mortgage and there's definitely no "Mommy" around. And what the hell is "cuddle time", anyway? Sorry about that... sometimes the medication wears off and things get a little fuzzy... Anyway, let's get back to the point.

So, if I'm trying to help everyone stay cool here, the one power I do have is the ability to suggest several frosty beverages to take the sweat out of the air. To that end, here are a few inventively tasty ideas that can really drop the temperature a few degrees and hopefully keep everyone's mouth occupied just long enough to interrupt the constant complaining about the heat. Seriously people, it's not that bad... give it a rest.

• The Bushwacker - Think a Pina Colada (minus the pineapple) with Kahlua and vanilla ice cream added. Ridiculously sweet and creamy, this is one of the first frozen drinks I experienced as a teenager on a trip to the Sandshaker in Pensacola, FL. Definitely a nostalgic favorite.
• Midori Margarita - Not that I've got anything against the traditional margarita... obviously a classic... but if you want something to help kill the sour bite of the lime juice, add a bit of Midori melon liqueur and give that a shot. Frozen or rocks, it'll do the trick all the same.
• The Hurricane - A tradition down in New Orleans, especially during the sweltering months of hurricane season, this aptly named beverage makes any ridiculously muggy evening a little more manageable. At least until you're finished... then watch out!
• Orange Crush - This is a personal summer favorite. Nice and light and crisp, these are best when served with fresh-squeezed orange juice and crushed ice (hence the name). Use an orange-flavored vodka if you're really into the fruity taste.
• The Mojito - Quite a popular drink these days, it's still hard to find a bartender that makes 'em right. Maybe if we got that guy from the Bacardi commercial to give lessons... Although you can always find a good one at Little Havana, or on those nights when Jaime from JD's is mixing things up.
• The Ice Pick - This is another refreshing vodka drink that's rapidly becoming a hit with the masses. Many people try a flavored vodka to give it a little more pizazz... One bartender of mine suggested mixing in some lemonade to take it up a notch. Might have to try that next time.

Well, I have to say that a couple Orange Crushes into this article, I feel pretty darned good about it. I am aware that there are plenty other cooling beverages out there that everyone knows about... such as the Pina Colada or the Daiquiri (a little generic, but still a necessity to any bartender's repetoire)... which I have glossed over. But I am here to inform and educate... maybe introduce a thing or two you haven't tried yet. So if you find yourself hot and sweaty this summer... and I mean from the heat outside (perverts!)... and in need of a chill, go ahead and order one of these. Preferably not in one of these giant plastic cups on the right, but hey man... take what you can get.

I will never judge you for your drinking container... only what's inside it.

Mark Burlet
Drunken Intellectual