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Open Questions: Poly and bisexuality: potentially connected, but not inextricable
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As refinement of the listings column continues, and as I continue to attempt to write sensitively about the Boston poly scene in particular, I find myself troubled by the idea that I might be pigeonholing poly people, and as a result, potentially alienating those who are curious about polyamory, but do not identify with some of the intersecting social groups I mention here with some frequency.
It doesn't go without saying, and so I will say it: not all poly people are geeky, into science fiction or roleplaying games, into BDSM, pagan or atheist by belief, or - and this is the big one - bisexual. While there is a lot of overlap, especially in a smaller city like Boston, those who identify as and/or practice polyamory can come from all walks of life.
The key issue I'd like to address, however, is the bi issue. Bisexual people have long been unfairly regarded as indiscriminate sluts, incapable of monogamy due to having to have partners on all points of the gender spectrum. While there are ethical ways to be a slut (and while the word "slut" is currently undergoing a reclamation), and while there's nothing wrong with having multiple partners, it is just plain wrong to assume that all bisexuals are polyamorous - or worse, cheaters. As a rule, human beings are attracted to many different people throughout their lives. Yet the majority of them choose to have serious relationships with only one at a time. While bisexuals ostensibly have a greater variety of people to whom they may be attracted, they still may be wired to focus their affections monogamously.
On the flip side, it's dangerous to assume that all polyamorous people are bisexual - especially the women. While the mainstream trend of performative female bisexuality for the benefit of men is probably less common in poly communities, it's still an easy thing to subvert genuine female sexuality in the interest of fitting into an image of male desire. In fact, the stereotype of the happy couple searching for that "perfect third" - i.e., a bisexual woman to complete their happy triad - is so prevalent that there's a mocking name for that elusive damsel in poly parlance: the Hot Bi Babe.
Male bisexuality, on the other hand, is still stigmatized and subtly discriminated against even in some poly communities, although there is a rising trend of the reversal of the female performative bisexual: boys who kiss because their girlfriends want to watch. While your humble columnist is all for this if the kissing is genuine, it can be troubling to watch a trend of objectification percolate across the gender divide rather than a trend of authentic sexual expression. Perhaps one is the precursor of the other, but either way, it does not do much for the validation of bisexual identity, which is still constantly under challenge.
It is crucial to remember that polyamorous relationships can assume all shapes and sizes, from a heterosexual couple whose wife has a boyfriend, to a poly family of five gender-diverse adults, to a triad of three men, to a quad of two lesbian couples. The people involved may be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual. They may be women, men, transgender, genderqueer, intersex or other, child-rearing or childfree. As much overlap as you might see among communities, never assume.
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If you have a question for the Open Questions column, comment here or email Kamela.
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