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Three speeds of sin: A sex toy guide for couples

 

                  "Dildos? Those are swell!"

 She gives him a nervous smile as her husband raises an eyebrow.

 

"Why, Jane—you wish to perform the act of procreation? But we’ve already got our two agreed upon children. I don’t understand…"

 

 Her smile broadens. "I was thinking we could, er, do it for fun? You know, for purely leisure purposes?"

 

His eyes widen. "Well, Jane," he exclaims, taking the pipe from his mouth, "you’re certainly a forward little minx tonight!"

 

Jane blushes and averts her eyes.

 

"I suppose we could do this shameful act," he replies, then adds, "But if we do I want you to go to church twice tomorrow.” She nods and he says, ? "Swell! Well, then, let’s go turn the lights out and insert the old tab A into slot B."

 

They scamper to the bedroom, but he pauses as he watches his wife ferret through a small bag on the bedside table.

 

“Did you buy a new Bible, Jane?"

 

"No," she says softly, pulling a large object from the bag. "I thought maybe we could try something a little different this time—you know—for variety."

 

His jaw drops as he realizes what his wife is holding. "Jane!" he screeches. "Do you know what that is? It’s a—a—"

 

"Vibrator."?

 

He swoons.

 

 "I thought it would be fun to try something different, Ted—mix things up a bit."

 

He swats the phallic-shaped object from her hand. "Jane, you foul harlot! Decent folk do not purchase devices of lust like these!"

 

"But—but I think it could be fun. It has three speeds."

 

"Three speeds of sin!"

 

"But, Ted—"

 

"Not another word! You can forget about copulation! I want you to take a cold shower and think about your twisted desires. I’m going to go watch Bob Newhart."

 

Poor Ted. He seems to hold the misconception that sex toys aren’t natural and that "normal" couples would never integrate such "perversions" into their sex lives. Alas, not only is Ted’s mindset false, it’s preventing him from knowing the thrill of having his prostate stimulated by an anal toy or the mouthwatering imagery of his wife putting on a private pleasure show as she rubs herself with a vibrator. As for not being "natural", what’s more natural than wanting to make a pleasurable experience even more titillating? As shows like Sex and the City and Talk Sex with Sue Johanson work to dispel long held misconceptions about sexual behavior, more and more couples are realizing the limitless pleasure possibilities that adult toys can offer. If you’re one of the many couples who has contemplated buying a sex toy to keep things fresh in the bedroom, then pay attention as I try to convince our rigid friend Ted that toys aren’t just for kids.

 

Courtney: So, Ted—I hear you have a couple reservations regarding the use of sex toys in the bedroom?

 

Ted: That’s correct, miss.

 

Courtney: Can you elaborate?

 

Ted:  It is my firm belief that only perverts and sexual deviants use these items.

 

Courtney: Actually, Ted, all kinds of people enjoy setting their sex lives on fire with adult toys, including mothers, doctors, and CEOS. And the most recent Durex Global Sex Survey shows that Americans are among the top three fans of vibrators (right behind the Taiwanese, who I’m guessing have a booming battery industry). Using a sex toy doesn’t make you abnormal; it just makes you one of the millions of couples who enjoy carnal variety.

 

Ted: Mothers and doctors, hmm? But surely someone like Eisenhower would never—

 

Courtney: Oh, Ted. It’s a well known fact that Eisenhower was a nut for anal beads.*

 

Ted: Really?

 

Courtney: Loved 'em, Ted.

 

Ted: But I always thought that sex toys are only used by people who are lonely and single. I mean, surely something must be wrong with a relationship that brings outside forces into the bedroom!

 

Courtney: Bah! Using adult toys doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong in the sex department- quite the opposite! Couples that are comfortable trying new sexual experiences together are open-minded, trusting, and have a very close relationship. Using a sex toy is a fun and exciting new bonding experience that can strengthen a union. Sure, I enjoy some one on one bonding time with my toys, but nothing’s hotter than letting a partner use my favorite vibrator on me. And it’s even more fun when I get to use a new toy on him! One boyfriend had never considered doing any form of anal exploration on himself ("Exit only! Exit only!" were his exact words). Then he saw how much pleasure I got from a small vibrating anal probe, and curiosity got the best of him. Within no time he was a delighted convert!

 

Ted: You don’t say. Hmm… but what if my partner likes the sex toys so much that she actually starts preferring them to me?

 

Courtney: I’ve never once heard of anyone who would choose his or her toy over a partner. I mean, I love my toys, but nothing could ever replace a kiss that sets your tongue on fire or the electric feeling of flesh on flesh. I don’t require sex toys for every bedroom liaison--I look at them as one more fun option that can be incorporated to keep things zesty. It’s natural to want to enhance something you enjoy! I see toys as the rainbow sprinkles on the sex sundae. Do I need them? No. Do I love them? Yes!

 

Ted: Oh, my! I see now that sex toys can be a healthy way to add spice to any relationship. I think I’m ready to try some of these rainbow sprinkles!

 

Courtney: Well, then let’s take a ride down to Baskin Robbins…

 

 

 

There are so many options for couples looking to purchase adult toys that it can make your head spin! If you’re new to this realm, starting plain is the best way to go. Remember: you can always graduate to the complex toys with all the bells and whistles later, but it’s best to start small. A good option for beginners is a simple, inexpensive vibrator or dildo. It doesn’t require much moola to invest in one of these pleasure packers, and you can always graduate to larger, more elaborate toys as you become more comfortable and experienced. Women can experience both vaginal and clitoral orgasms, so angled toys designed to stimulate the G-Spot and vibrators that make the clitoris tingle come down to personal preference. Anal toys also come in a variety of sizes--remember, when in doubt, start smaller! This advice applies to both women and men.

 

 

Dos and Don’ts of Using Sex Toys With Your Partner 

 

Do: Get several toys in a range of sizes so you can work up to the larger, more complex ones at a comfortable pace. I also love the variety; sometimes my smaller vibrators really hit the spot and other times I clamor for my bigger, more high tech toys. I have a toy for every mood!

 

Don’t: Make the first toy the enters your body the $500 gadget with thirty buttons, 50 rotating parts, and optional sunroof. These toys can be intimidating for newbies!

 

Do: Make it a collaborative process. Discuss your thoughts on sex toys beforehand so you have a clear understanding of what your partner does/ doesn’t want. Then choose your toys together, so that both of you will be happy when that magical unmarked package arrives in the mail.

 

Don’t: Plunk down a sex toy in front of your partner without prior discussion. "What’s the matter, honey? It’s pink--you love pink! And twenty one inches only seems like a lot when it’s outside of you…"

 

Do: Use lube with all toys. Whether you’re going solo or having fun together, lube will prevent discomfort and friction.

 

Don’t: Jam a toy in a dry orifice unless you want your partner to feel like they’re in an episode of Oz.

 

Do: Communicate during your play session. Telling your partner what feels good and what doesn’t is an important aspect of sexual activities. This experience should feel great--if it doesn’t, ask for less pressure, a slower tempo, or whatever feels best for your body.

 

Don’t: Grit your teeth and bare anything uncomfortable. Don’t like direct pressure on your clitoris? Want your vibrator on a slower speed? Is your partner inserting an anal toy with a little too much gusto for your taste? Say so!

 

 

Blindfold your partner and tease their body with the tip of a vibrator, running it along sensitive areas like the neck, underarms, and inner thighs. Once you’ve got them writhing with expectation, move on to naughtier places. The blindfold adds anticipation; because they can’t see what you’re going to do next, their senses will be tingling.

 

For the ladies: Men are highly visual creatures. Combine this with the fact that they love inserting things in women, and you’ve got a recipe for hot foreplay. Sear his senses with X-rated imagery and let him watch you pleasure yourself with your vibrator. To really make him sweat, tell him he can only watch--no touching. Every so often, give him some intense eye contact to push him over the edge. I’ve received multiple marriage proposals from doing this.

 

For women who have difficulty achieving orgasm through intercourse alone, many find that applying direct pressure to the clitoris with a vibrator during sex (try the iVibe Pocket Rocket) can push them over the edge. And guys: watching your girl receive stimulation from you and her toy can be an incredible experience. Who wouldn’t want to see their lover’s body explode with sensory overload?

 

For extra sensation, insert a butt plug into your lover before intercourse or vice versa (or both!). Look for one with a bulge toward the middle ( like the Smooth Slim Medium Red Butt Plug) so that the plug will entice the delicate nerve clusters inside the rectal cavity. Having the extra anal stimulation during regular intercourse can be a delightfully overwhelming pleasure experience.

 

 

Once I discovered the fun to be had with vibrators and dildos in the bedroom, the floodgates were open, and I bought a larger nightstand to accommodate my rapidly growing collection of toys. Picking out a new toy makes me feel like a kid at Toys’R’Us--so many possibilities! After you’ve become comfortable with the basic toys, you may want to explore other fun realms: cock rings, bondage and discipline, anal beads. A recent European sex survey shows that 74% of people who purchase a sex toy share or would like to share the experience with a partner. These folks seem to know the recipe for novelty. Sex should be a continual exploration; trying new things and sharing fresh experiences together keep a relationship from getting mundane. So what are you waiting for? It’s time for you and your sweetie to get your vibe on!