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The Brett Favre saga according to The Single Guy
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The most honorable and prolific of sports, football’s place in a man’s heart cannot be matched. As such, The Single Guy will occasionally delve into the gridiron’s complicated issues. Let all single men unite in prayer to the football gods, asking that our saddled brothers be freed from tedious tasks on Sundays, Monday nights, Thursdays after Thanksgiving, and Saturdays during playoffs, so that we may all be joined in the beautiful harmony of bone-crunching tackles* and spectacular catches.
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As many of you may know, Brett Favre has recently signed with the Minnesota Vikings after a long public struggle between his desire to ride tractors and his desire to throw interceptions. Some have speculated that Favre’s monstrous ego demands a large sacrifice in the form of public attention. These people have begun to build fallout shelters in fear of what form Favre’s waffling will take next offseason. Others have come to the defense of one of the league’s all-time passers, citing his inability to let go of a game he truly loves. The true reason, however, should come as no shock to anyone who regularly reads this column. Like many unfortunate men out there, Brett Favre is desperately trying to escape from his wife.
It’s hard to fault Favre for getting married. He was first seduced by his wife when he was a freshman and she was a sophomore in a small town in Mississippi. To combine the powers of a teenage body with the alluring elements of the cougar seems entirely unfair. Add into the mix that there’s literally nothing to do in Kiln, MS other than be racist, and you can understand how a disadvantaged youth like Favre might fall into a relationship. A patient woman, Deanna Favre waited until Brett was suffering from hallucinations brought on by Vicodin withdrawal in the mid-90’s before forcing him to marry her. It is often said that at the time Brett thought he was meeting with the pope in order to bring funny hats to the NFL.
So consider that you’re Brett Favre. Not only are you facing the rest of your life trapped in the Third World, but every morning you’ll have to wake up next to the person who took away the two things you loved most in life – drugs and alcohol. Wouldn’t you do everything in your power to put that off for as long as possible? Obviously Brett would like nothing more than to play football for the rest of his life, but he is as cunning as he is inaccurate in the second half of the season. He knows that if he’s too quick to choose football over his family, that his wife will stab him in his sleep like many unfortunate husbands throughout the tattered history of marriage. Telling his wife that football is more important than she is (and ladies, it is) would be almost certain suicide. More than likely the delay in Favre coming out of retirement was due to the fact that he had to wait until his wife thought it was her idea, and only then when she rationalized that Brett would make enough money the he could buy her a cure for breast cancer.
In short – lay off the poor guy. He’s been through hell and back to get to where he is. Surely many of you out there would put up with a few months of looking like a complete moron if it meant that you could escape the grip of your wife for an entire football season. It’s a win-win for everybody. Favre gets to enjoy manhood for another year, and the fans get to watch him holding a clipboard on the sidelines during the second half of the season when his body inevitably breaks down completely. Who knows, maybe he’ll win a Super Bowl, or better yet, draw Madden out of retirement.
Football!
*Unless they involve our savior, Tom Brady. Blessed be his arm, for it shall throw the world. (Yes, it’s in one of those older books meshed in with rules about menstruation and pigs).
Photo: AP/Elizabeth Flores
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