Keep your cool when the going gets tough

March 26, 6:29 PMSt. Louis Family & Parenting ExaminerAngela Atkinson

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Image Credit: Bob Smith

If your kids are like mine, they each have a special built in talent that allows them to pick the toughest moment of the day to have a melt-down. And don't forget that amazingly accurate parent button pushing finger they've each got.

Every parent can recall a time when they've lost their cool with their kids. Whether they yell or scream or throw things, they almost always feel guilty afterward.

And, according to James Lehman, MSW, it doesn't work anyway.

"Simply put," Lehman says, "if parents have problems with their child’s behavior and all they have in their parental tool kit are bigger hammers, the kids are going to develop bigger nails."

If you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious, you may be more likely to lose your cool. Try these coping strategies to change your mind and change your ways, both for your kids and for yourself.

Quit taking it personally. Even though it may feel like your child broke your vase or missed his curfew to spite you, you know logically that's not the case. The fact is, he probably wasn't even thinking about you when he made the mistake--if he were, he may have made better choices. Take your child's behavior for what it is--and remember that it's not a personal attack on you.

Count to ten. Sounds simple, but if you feel yourself getting angry, simply breathe slowly, counting ten breaths before you speak or react. Even a few seconds of forethought can prevent an anger outburst.

Look in the mirror. Remember that kids live what they learn, and according to Dr. Kathie Teets Grimm, Associate Professor of Pediatrics at the Children's Advocacy Center of Manhattan, "Kids learn coping skills from their parents. A child needs a parent who is in control and nurturing."

Take a break. In some cases, it may be better to separate yourself from your child for a moment or two so that you can collect yourself. While this isn't always possible with babies and toddlers, you can send older kids to their rooms for a few minutes while you figure things out.

If you do lose control, don't be afraid to apologize. Your child is a person too, and admitting your mistake is the best thing you can do. Then, move on. Don't beat yourself up or focus on your mistake. Instead, start over and make it a point to do better next time.