Does sex always get in the way?

July 27, 6:56 PMScottsdale Relationships ExaminerRobin Cain

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Thomas is a married man with two small children at home and Joy is his married co-worker. Both good-looking successful people, Thomas and Joy became friends after a joint work project where they learned they shared a love of basketball and sailing. Thomas has never been unfaithful to his wife, but preoccupied with her job and their two young childrenlately, she has left Thomas feeling rather slighted.

Joy has been experiencing issues with her own marriage and has recently begun using Thomas as a sounding board. Although she has many girl friends, she finds Thomas to be a bit less needy and a lot more supportive. Besides, he’s more fun to look at and he offers a much-needed ‘male perspective’.

One Thursday night they find themselves alone at the office after hours. Both needing to blow off steam, they agree to go out for a drink.

Stop.

What happens next?

Depending on one's age, gender or marital status, the guesses will likely vary. It’s the age old question, “Can men and women ever really be just friends?” And the answer, say the experts, is  “It depends”.

“Men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way” Billy Crystal tells Meg Ryan in the movie When Harry Met Sally. This age-old belief stems from an era when romance was likely the only reason men and women ever got together. Nowadays, men and women interact repeatedly on a daily basis whether in the workplace, educational settings or in the community. Sharing interests, goals, advice and experiences, men and women form cross-sex friendships every day. But when does a friendship begin to border on something a little more complicated? What exactly are the boundaries of cross-sex friendships?

Distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings can be exceedingly difficult and problems arise in cross-sex friendships when the nature of the relationship isn’t made clear. In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, more than 150 professional men and women were asked what they disliked about their cross-sex friendships. Topping the women's list of dislikes was sexual tension, whereas men more frequently replied that sexual attraction was a ‘prime reason for initiating a friendship’. Either way, 62 percent of all subjects reported that sexual tension was present in their cross-sex friendships. Current studies also show that 62% of all affairs start at work (possibly the same 62% that felt the sexual tension?)

Another study, done by a student at Penn State University, showed that of more than 300 college students surveyed, 67 percent reported having had sex with a friend. Interestingly enough, 56 percent of those subjects did not transition the friendship into a romantic relationship, suggesting that they preferred the friendship over sex.

Today's twenty- and thirty-somethings enjoy more platonic relationships than any previous generation. According to a 2002 survey by American Demographics, 18-to-24-year-olds are nearly four times as likely as people over 55 to have a best friend of the opposite sex. Among adults ages 25 to 34, more than 1 in 10 said their best buddy is a member of the opposite sex. In his book Women and Men as Friends, Michael Monsour notes an important benefit of having cross-sex friends: they make each other feel like attractive members of the other sex. Friends, of either sex, should make us feel good about ourselves. Isn’t that what friends are for?

In the case of Thomas and Joy above, they need to be honest with themselves and each other if they are to have a mutually beneficial and long-lasting cross-friendship. Being that they are both married, bigger factors come into play. Could either of their partners join them for this drink? Are they saying things to each other that they wouldn’t say to their partners? Or, like Harry once told Sally, is it a case of “The sex part always gets in the way”?