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Bob Dylan's "Christmas in the Heart" is no "ho ho ho," more like "Huh? Huh? Huh?""
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Well, this is one extremely strange record. People are calling it this decade's Self Portrait, but at least Self Portrait had songs which made sense in the context of the Dylan songbook - "Days of 49" could have been on John Wesley Harding,, "All the Tired Horses" sounds great today, even though Bob's voice isn't on it, and "Quinn the Eskimo" peviewed the Dylan/Band worderful weirdness of The Basement Tapes.
This ... thing, doesn't fit anywhere, except maybe on a shelf next to a copy of Mad magazine with Bob's picture on the cover in a Santa hat.
We all know that Bob Dylan is as changeable as weather in New England. He’s never stood in any one spot for very long, as soon as people get comfortable with him being this, he decides he’s that. He shocked the folk world by plugging in and playing electric at Newport. After his motorcycle accident and temporary retirement in the seclusion of Woodstock, NY, in the late 60’s, he re-emerged with a country sounding album, John Wesley Harding. It drew universal praise and contains the classic, “All Along the Watchtower.” Then he followed it up with the album Nashville Skyline, in which his sandpaper nasal voice was suddenly a mellow croon and his lyrics went from mysterious parables to plain and simple country songs. Everyone scratched their heads and said, “HUH?” When Bob decided to release a born-again Christian record, Slow Train Coming, in 1979, he received similar gasps of dismay and disbelief. On Street Legal, he brought in a Las Vegas style horn section and backing female singers. It’s just something he seems to like to do, and has been doing all through his long and legendary career, confounding his fans. And in retrospect, they're all great records that stand the test of time.
He's been on a creative resurgance for the last ten years, putting out the new classics, Time Out of Mind, Love and Theft, Modern Times and Together Through Life. But this recent move of his, recording this Christmas in the Heart album, released everywhere Tuesday, Oct. 13th, is nothing short of jaw-dropping in its weirdness. He has some of his crack touring band with him, along with David Hildago of Los Lobos on accordian, but it's Bob croaking out with his gravel-throat vocals "Here Comes Santa Claus," Silver Bells," "The First Noel," and "The Christmas Song," among others, in all earnestness. The nadir has to be "The Little Drummer Boy." "Must Be Santa"starts out with promise, a spightly Texas two-step with Hidalgo's accordian up front, but then there's Bob in chorus singing the breakneck lyrics, "cherry nose, ho ho ho, cap on head, suit that's red, special night, beard that's white!" Around now, the record seems more like a Saturday night live skit than reality. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind at this point. Then it gets strange beyond belief. He starts reciting the reindeer names, and segues into the names of American presidents - "Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ronald Regan, Bush and Clinton." Must have been too hard to rhyme Obama. I don't get the joke, anyway... presidents are like Santa's reindeer? Is it a political message, they're only pulling the sleigh, not steering it? Is Santa really the coporations and bankers? Or is it just because Nixon rhymes with Blitzen, and they got this really funny idea after passing aorund a joint? Please, I need this one explained to me.
OK, he's got a great band behind him, and the girls from the Ditty Bops singing background vocals, so technically, it could be viewed as hip, but is it? Is it ironic, an in joke, a wink? Well, maybe, umm, a little bit, umm...Nah. It's Bob being earnest. And weird.
There's two high points (if you could call them that) in the midst of this dreck the halls craziness. "The Christmas Blues" is cool, a cover of Dean Martin's Christmas hit. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," comes across as heartfelt, and it could stand on its own alone as a pretty good Christmas song.
The cause behind the album is laudable – all the proceeds go to the Feeding America organization, which will supply meals to 1.4 million people during this holiday season. On his website, Dylan comments, “It’s a tragedy that more than 35 million people in this country alone -- 12 million of those children – often go to bed hungry and wake up each morning unsure of where their next meal is coming from. I join the good people of Feeding America in the hope that our efforts can bring some food security to people in need.” So hey, you can’t argue with that. Hats off.
But what's it like hearing Christmas in the Heart?
Imagine it’s the late fifties. Dean Martin has a Christmas TV show going on, and he brought over the Lawrence Welk orchestra and singers for the occasion. The womens' hair is all done up in stiff, perfect perms, they’re wearing white chiffon dresses and red bows, the men are in tuxes and their hair is slicked back with Vitalis, there’s a sleigh and fake snow all around, Dino is pretending to be slightly drunk when he does the scene around the fireplace with the Christmas tree and presents.
Then he announces his special guest. “Here’s a cat whose music I really dig. He’s from the future. Crazy, huh?" Dino takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "Ooo, that's nice. Ladies and genltemen, the one and only, Bob Dylan.”
Bob hesitantly steps out, at his current age, thin moustache, wearing an ill-fitting white tux, set off with a red bow tie. He's weating a Santa hat. He shuffles nervously. The band starts up and Bob begins croaking out “Here Comes Santa Claus,” trading lines back and forth with the Lawrence Welk singers. A glockenspiel plays little descending notes to make it extra Christmassy. At the end, the audience applauds warnly. He goes on to croak-croon “The Little Drummer Boy,” singing it sincerely, doing the par-ump-a-pum-pums. He finishes his set with a pretty cool duet with Dean, of Dean’s “The Christmas Blues.” (Dean Martin does not, of course, appear on Bob's new album)
If you can imagine that, you have a pretty good idea of what Dylan’s Christmas album sounds like. It’s as if he took a trip through Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine to the 50’s, arriving in a bizarre musical setting, complete with the women singers sweetly echoing him, arrangements straight out of the Mitch Miller songbook, and a few little touches of Grand Old Opry thrown in. As corny as it possibly could get.
It's Bob Dylan. His name's right there on the cover.
Weird. There’s no other word for it. Well, surreal works. This from a guy who just put out Together Through Life, one of the most hard edged, bleak, bluesy, dusty records to ever appear this side of a Mexican border town. The video for “Beyond Here Lies Nothin” is a grim, nearly unwatchable portrayal of an existentially trapped couple in a brutal, sadistic relationship
And now, Bob's next thing is a version of “Here Comes Santa Claus” that would fit comfortably on a Perry Como record. Except for the sandpaper voice.
Surreal.
It’s the new Bob Dylan Christmas record, Christmas in the Heart!
Huh?
It's the strangest move one can imagine from Dylan, hands down. And the very strangest thing is, like all of his albums, in a while, I’ll probably love it.
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