Trans etiquette for non-trans people

July 3, 9:23 AMTransgender & Transsexual Issues ExaminerMatt Kailey

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Although it is difficult to estimate the number of trans people in Denver and in Colorado, trans people are becoming increasingly visible in our state.

With the many resources and laws that Colorado has in place to support and protect trans people, we are becoming a very trans-friendly state — which means that it is likely that most non-trans people will interact with a trans person at some time or other.

Trans people are really no different from non-trans people in our day-to-day interactions and activities. We sleep, we eat, we shop, we pay taxes, we walk our dogs, rent DVDs, and gripe about politicians. Even so, there are some “rules of etiquette” that can help non-trans people interact with us in the most respectful and supportive of ways. Here are some pointers:

1. Treat trans people as you would treat anyone else. Don’t do things to call attention to trans people, even if your goal is to let us know that you accept us. No winking, smiling, little innuendoes, mentioning trans people you know, or asking us if we know so-and-so who is trans — we might, but we probably don’t. The most respectful and supportive thing you can do is to treat a trans person in exactly the same way that you would treat a non-trans person in the same situation.

2. Use the correct pronoun. The correct pronoun is whatever gender the person is presenting. Transwomen are “she,” transmen are “he,” and a male crossdresser is “he” when dressed as a male and “she” when dressed as a female. Usually, it is obvious what gender is being expressed. If not, and you really need to know, you can ask, “What pronoun do you use?”

3. If you are in a service situation where you would normally use “sir” or “ma’am,” and you don’t know which to use, skip it. Don’t use either. And you can ask the person’s name — we all have one. If we say “Pat,” the joke’s on you.

4. If you make a mistake with a pronoun or name, move on. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you are alone with the person, apologize and drop it. If you are in a crowd, move on. Don’t draw attention to your slip-up by making a face or groaning, falling all over yourself to apologize, or making excuses to others around you. Let it go.

5. Don’t touch us inappropriately or ask personal questions unless you are invited to do so. Trans people are not public property. Touching something on a person to see if it is “real” or asking personal questions about a person’s body or sex life is inappropriate. Don’t do or say anything that you would not do or say to anyone else.

We are not nearly as exciting or exotic as some non-trans people think we are (or as we wish we were!). So don’t sweat it. The common courtesies that you use with everyone else are just fine.