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"12 Rounds" is quite possibly the worst action movie ever made
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Over a week and a half ago, it was being reported that Pizza Hut would be changing its name to The Hut, with the addition of several non-pizza related items added to their menu. Apparently, the name change isn’t going to be on such a large scale as initially reported, with only some stores and boxes taking on the new moniker.
What does any of this have to do with “12 Rounds,” the latest effort from WWE Studios?
Absolutely nothing.
You see, “12 Rounds” is such a complete waste, that even the most mundane, outdated news story is more interesting. You don’t believe me? Fine. On with the review.
Detective Danny Fisher (John Cena) was just an average New Orleans police officer before capturing terrorist Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen). Jackson’s girlfriend (terrorists need love too) is accidentally killed trying to evade capture, a death which he blames solely on Fisher. One year later, Jackson breaks out of prison, kidnaps Fisher’s girlfriend, Molly (Ashley Scott), and sets up 12 challenges (rounds, if you will) for Fisher to complete. If successful, Molly will be returned to him unharmed. If not, take a guess what happens.
Rather than harp on the dreadful acting, horrible attempts at humor, and idiotic direction, let’s instead look at five parts of this “film” that prove just how awful it is.
1) Man vs. Car
By cutting through backyards and running through houses ala “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” Fisher is able to catch up to a car speeding through the back streets of New Orleans. Cena does his best impression of the T-1000 during this run, but sadly doesn’t get shot in the face with a shotgun. That would have left us with a rather painless, 10 minute long movie.
2) Fire truck killing spree
Fisher drives a fire truck with reckless abandon through the streets of the Big Easy. The run undoubtedly kills several innocent bystanders, but none of that matters because Detective Danny Fisher is trying to save the love of his life. Citizens be damned.
3) The Maid
Round something-or-other leads Fisher to a fancy hotel, where he and some fat guy end up trapped in an elevator that is ready to fall. After what seems like hours of awkward grunts and groans, along with the classic I-won’t-let-you-die moment, the elevator finally takes a tumble. During its fall, there is a shot of a maid passing by the elevator shaft whose skirt flies as the accelerating elevator car speeds by. I just don't get it. Is it supposed to be funny or are the people behind this movie really that stupid?
4) Trolley fun time
Fisher decides the best way to stop an out of control trolley is to drive in front of it and use his car to slow it down. If that’s not ludicrous enough for your tastes, at the end of the trolley line is a load of tourists partying in the street that no one has bothered to evacuate. The police force knows about the runaway trolley, but no one’s concerned enough to tell these poor dopes. That doesn’t say much for the New Orleans Police Department or the FBI agents they’re working with.
5) Helicopter high dive
Fisher and his girlfriend jump from an out of control helicopter into a rooftop pool and walk out unharmed. No broken bones, no internal bleeding, barely a scratch on them. Apparently, writer Daniel Kunka hasn’t heard that if you jump from a high altitude, water becomes like concrete and will most likely kill you upon impact. That’s why people jump off bridges to commit suicide, dingbat.
Yes, “12 Rounds” is an action film, so you are supposed to suspend your disbelief and accept that the hero’s rampage through the city is harmless and he can do practically anything without getting hurt. The problem with “12 Rounds” is it’s such a poor excuse for an action film, that it’s impossible not to pick apart the sheer stupidity throughout. It’s like the makers of the film filled a dump truck full of clichés and then unloaded them all over the screen.
This movie is so bad that it (along with “Miss March”) ended up killing Fox Atomic Studios. WWE Studios, however, simply will not die. They don’t seem to care that each of their releases performs worse than the last. At this point, it’s like they’re shooting themselves in the foot with a machinegun. Will they ever learn to just stick to wrestling?
Obviously not.
The "12 Rounds" unrated DVD is available now and contains a load of special features not worth mentioning.
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