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The top ten greatest (and suckiest) things about “Twilight” the movie - #6,5,4,3,2,1 - edited!
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Photo: Summit Entertainment
May I just say how much I love you guys? Reading the comments after I post one of these is so much fun, and your compliments give me the extra juice to get it done after a long day. (Mmkay that sounds a little dirty… didn’t mean it like that at all… awk-ward.) I feel like we’re all one big support group for Twilight. Aww, group hug!
(Cracks knuckles) Alright, here we go, I’m bout to lay into the movie again. Hoo-RAH!
I’m also going to plug my other article, where right now we are all voting on who we’d cast in the movie of “The Host”! Click here to vote, as many times as you want!
www.examiner.com/x-10163-Denver-Creative-Arts-Examiner~y2009m6d26-Time-for-voting-You-cast-the-movie-of-Stephenie-Meyers
Number #6 Suckiest – Congratulations, Edward is now a creepy stalker.
From the moment Bella enters the classroom, it seemed they set Edward on the wrong spin... from there it just whirls and teeters out of control. He holds his nose as she walks in front of the fan - okay, fans of the novel understand what’s going on but to the rest of the audience, she smells terrible. Or somebody farted. (Certainly not one of the vampires… or… wait. Do they? I bet they fart glitter that smells like rainbows, Stephenie.)
But let’s be honest. How many of you watched this movie with people who hadn’t read the book? And of those people, how many of you had to explain that no, Edward wasn’t creepy, he’s not a stalker, he… watches… her… sleep because it’s… romantic. Uh. Whoops. Things that came off as sweet and loving in the book were just not carried over well onscreen. I think they would have greatly benefited from the inclusion of the deleted scene of Bella having a dream about kissing Edward. Something showing that she would have loved it if Edward were in her bedroom at night would have made him seem far less disturbing. I mean, in Port Angeles, at dinner when he confesses he was following her… it just didn’t have that effect of making your heart swell with delight like it did in the novel. (No tinglies. I miss the tinglies.)
Number #6 Greatest – Edward dashing over to stop the van
A moment of pure glee! Finally! They were (too) few and far between for “Twilight” fans in this film, but here is one where I definitely felt some chills and heard some squeals in the audience. The lingering looks between Bella and Edward as they fidget at their cars after school, and suddenly, screeching tires as this supermassive blue van comes sliding towards Bella. Out of nowhere, there is Edward, and he stops the van easily, swiftly; gracefully. The look they give as they turn to face each other… (commence squealing!). Edward awkwardly removes his hand from her back, stands up and leaves.
Wait-a-second. He should have left around the front of the truck; because boy is it obvious he’s there when everyone goes rushing over. I mean, come on, how did no one else see that? That’s my only complaint. In the book, no one has any idea that he helped save her, and he also didn’t run away from her, he stayed to make sure she was fine because he was so worried. But otherwise, oh it’s romantic. This is a point in the film when they come close to actually hitting that romantic sexy tension that we love so much in the novel.
As I watched this movie with my friend Sarah, she did point out something technically wrong in this scene. She grew up in the north, went to school up north, and she reminded me that at the end of the school day, all the ice would have melted down and become slush. So, for the van to run over a patch of ice and slide is unlikely. (Slush, maybe) However, I know from living here in Colorado, that sometimes patches would melt and then freeze again when the sun wasn’t on them anymore. So, it’s 50/50. It happens in the book, I’m gonna let that one slide here.
Number #5 Suckiest – Rosalie… what happened to you?
For some reason, it is far more upsetting to me to see a naturally tan woman caked in white flour, than to see a naturally white woman caked in bronzer. In this case, Nikki Reed looks like she got hosed down by Casper the ghost. Because, oh wait, that’s what happens when you cast a Cherokee/Italian heritage woman as a whiter-than-hell vampire. And bleach her hair for thirty hours until it looks like a pasty cat you flung at her head. Now don’t get me wrong, Nikki Reed is fantastic, and does a pretty good job of playing Rosalie as a character. But, Summit, Stephenie, Catherine, we’re all big girls. Give us some credit. We understand that because you cast Nikki, Rosalie isn’t gonna look exactly like she did in the book. So, let her take off those ridiculous gloves, put down the ten-inch stripper heels and let the girl have a little bit more of her natural beauty back. The freakishly pale skin and glove bit only worked for Michael Jackson (may he rest in peace). Now, in the New Moon trailer, they’ve got her looking pretty darn good, with a high quality wig and glove-less outfit, so I’m very pleased. But then again, doesn’t just about everything look better in the New Moon trailer? Can I get a hell-yeah?
Number #5 Greatest – The times when it actually had a little dignity in the details
We can start off with the breathtaking, beautiful scenery. The opening of the film in particular, starting with the shot of the desert that blurs into the tree covered snowy state of Washington. Speaking of the opening, the speech from the novel being the start of the film is just fantastic. Thank you Melissa. And thank you Summit, for not changing the logo of “Twilight” from the novel cover.
While Eric Yorkie stinks in my opinion, Mike Newton, oh how I love thee. And Jessica, you two-faced hew-were (sound it out), I adore you.
Thanks for making Bella clumsy, and an even bigger thank you to Kristen Stewart for pulling it off naturally. When she slides on the front steps in front of Charlie that looked so real, because it wasn’t overdramatic. People who fall on purpose tend to flail around a lot. Also, points added for Bella’s beautiful lullaby, and for the fact that Robert Pattinson played it himself. Granted, it was in a weird dream-like room that we hadn’t seen nor do we see again in the movie, and the song was supposed to be hummed as she fell asleep, but no matter! It was a good song, much more dignified and classy than I would have expected and I will leave it at that.
Number #4 Suckiest – The “How long have you been 17?” scene
There was a perfect opportunity for all that to be clarified in the car ride, just like it was in the novel. The car scene in the film even was a bit sexy and had the right kind of tension. To add this conversation to it would have made it better. To drag it out waiting for this crap scene, (where they’re somehow able to wander off school property without someone noticing?) and have it become this the weird spinning crap when Edward comes clean to Bella? Bad Catherine, bad!
Then he starts hauling her off like some twangy country and western song, “Come here woman so I can teach you a lesson”… excuse me? He’s a gentleman, hello!
So then he tosses her on his back (okay now, that I’d be totally fine with) and starts running. Yeesch. I get that it cost a lot of money (and pain) to achieve this effect, but once you saw the final results, wouldn’t you fix it? This is too big of a black mark on the film to just ignore.
He sets her down and unbuttons his shirt to reveal his sparkly self. Instead of looking the least bit organic, like it could actually be real, they chose to go with the “My Little Pony On Crack” look. With the added bonus of twinkly sound effects, as if we weren’t able to grasp the blinding result on the screen. Come to think of it, that sound effect was probably added so that upon further viewings, when you are eventually blinded, you know what’s going on. Pause the film at 52:37. You can almost hear him saying, “Ugh, my sparkles suck.”
The “as if you could outrun me!” line… yes, I get the self-loathing and frustration, but really it just sounds like the super-awkward kid in high school who thinks he can trick everyone into thinking he’s funny if he shouts really loud. Ouch, Edward, that was my eardrum. No, I will not meet you at your locker after lunch.
Okay, every second of this scene is like a slap in the face. My cheeks are numb and I’m having trouble counting all the glaring problems here. Hold on. Okay, now Edward has pulled the tree branch and says he’s like, some nasty killer psycho and she should obviously go running in the opposite direction, hands flailing over her head. Instead, she blurts out, “I don’t care.” Riiiiiiiii-ght. Sigh; let me explain this to you, actors and directors. Bella… does not care because she loves Edward, can feel that he’s a good person, and knows he would never hurt her. Kristen… says it like she truly doesn’t give a damn he’s a killer. There’s a big difference between loving someone, and just being an ignorant crazy person who likes to date self-destructively.
Then Edward speeds off, mid-freaking-conversation to jump around some trees. Okay, veering dangerously toward the awkward kid in class again. The line about heroin is devastatingly misused, for without the entire explanation, it sounds hopelessly overdramatic.
Finally, we get to a bit of dialogue that doesn’t suck so much, and is actually kind of satisfying. This scene ends (mercifully) with us being dragged across the meadow scene, grasping at it frantically, but as we’re being shoved, we are forced to move on. Shame on you, Catherine!
Number #4 Greatest – Catherine Hardwicke Yay/ Boo
Do any of us realize just how bad this could have been? Oh my God… I watched some behind the scenes clips (I’m sure 99% of you have seen these too) of Stephenie Meyer talking about the kinds of offers she was getting, and then some of the things that Summit themselves suggested, and my jaw just hit the floor. Floor length gowns with chokers, Bella on a jetski… we were saved from sheer ruination by Catherine Hardwicke. If they had hired someone who didn’t understand the girly, giggly, teenage-love side of this story… it would have been utterly damned from the beginning. Catherine set in place certain rules that further directors cannot touch, and for that, we thank her endlessly. (Multi-racial casting, for one.) No matter how much they will improve on the following films, we owe a debt to Catherine Hardwicke. She will forever be our installed “safety”.
But, in the ways in which she failed us all… ah, Catherine. Do I really need to get specific here? The buck stops with you, Madame, and I hold you responsible for most of this list. It is your job to get-er-done and that is why they pay you the big bucks. I know ya got it in ya, look at “Thirteen” and “Lords of Dogtown”! You don’t suck! So… what happened?
Number #3 Suckiest – The lack of heat!
Really, we get it. This book was written by a religious woman who came up with a great reason for them to abstain from sex. If it were me, I would’ve been even pushier than Bella was, but hey, I buy into the story and it didn’t bother me (too much). For some reason, the books were able to pump the hot, steamy, shuddery sexual tension into nearly every line. The dialogue, the action; it was so seductive. What you missed in actuality, you got in undertones. This is something that they completely neglected to have in the movie! This is the undercurrent, folks. The bloodflow, the heartbeat… the heat! Even with the icy cold vampires, there was heat! Instead, we got this strange awkwardness that left us going, uh… what happened to Edward and Bella? They’re kinda… acting like fifteen year olds on a first date. Edward ain’t acting like he’s had a hundred years to practice the art of seduction.
Number #3 Greatest – The “Don’t move.” kissing scene
The amount of heat cooking in this scene almost, almost makes up for the complete lack of it in the rest of the movie. Oh man, I felt the room spinning during that one! I mean, that moment when he surrenders control and pushes her down to get on top of her… oh my. Asldkjlllllllllllllllllll… wait, what was I saying? Of course, it was ruined by Edward launching himself off of her like a stunt man on a springboard, but I forgive because that’s what he did in the novel. Only, less like Travis Pastrana and more like, “Hey, let’s cool this down a bit”.
Number # 2 Suckiest – The cheese factor
Just overall, the tone was different. In the novel, it feels like it’s happening to you. In the movie, it feels like you’re being told about it. That’s a very dangerous line to cross, and you have to be extremely careful when you do it. You have to make sure that your audience is brought into the world, not left on the outside looking in. If you act cavalier about it, take things like that for granted, you can come across cheesy and stupid. And that’s exactly what happened here; it’s the trap door that the “Twilight” movie fell thru.
For instance, the terrible, terrible “we have to explain” dialogue, which could have been avoided with decent backstories. We missed so much that we could have gotten with a few extra minutes of not grainy footage of their collective pasts. Mark my words, you people will regret leaving this stuff out later on, because you’re eventually going to have to explain it to the audience. Otherwise, by the time we get to Breaking Dawn, people are going to be having aneurysms. And if you don’t fix it by then, I’ll be begging for one.
The makeup, oh the lines on their foreheads are so obvious it’s painful. Look at Esme in the kitchen scene. Which reminds me, why the hell are they living in this modern architecture house? Wasn’t their home a Victorian-style mansion of sorts? I hate modern architecture and I was born in the 80’s, I can’t imagine someone born before the 1900’s would think much of it either. And thank the Lord almighty for Chris Weitz and his ability to make Laurent look pale. I guess nobody wanted to touch the African American guy with white makeup before, but come on! He didn’t even look ill, let alone dead.
The porn-stache on Charlie can go, pretty please, give the man a goatee or a beard or just shave his damn face. We get that he’s her Dad simply because he acts like it, which is a million times more important than facial pubes. (Whew - that’s a gross term.)
The restaurant scene, and the “What are they thinking?” bit. “Money, money, sex, sex, cat.” Cat? What the – and the expression on the dude’s face! Makes me laugh yes, but… so no appropriate. Just eternally weird.
Which also reminds me… Edward’s little savior act in Port Angeles. In the novel, he doesn’t even get out of the car because he’s afraid of what he’d do to the men that are after Bella. (By the way, they were grown men, not tweeny-bopping boys whose @sses the Jonas Brothers could kick.) So, to kick up the action, Catherine thought it would be best for Edward to get out of the car and… what? Go “Booga booga!” at them and then have them just… run away? Are you freaking kidding me? This is insulting! How can we possible imagine anyone being afraid of Edward Cullen now?
The odd introduction of Billy and Jacob Black. Awk-ward. Two syllables. (Wait, that’s normally two syllables. But… you get the idea.)
After Edward flirts with Bella in his bedroom, he leaps out of his window and tells her to hang on tight as they jump around like monkeys. Yet after hauling Bella up the final tree, he lets her climb around all by herself? Theoretically he could launch himself out and catch her if she fell, but it just doesn’t seem very “Edward-like” of him to heave the accident-prone love of his life hundreds of feet up in the air and then leave her to her own discretion and petty-human arm muscles.
Number #2 Greatest – Kristen Stewart
Bella is written as a loner, an awkward girl who doesn’t get along with girls her own age, who is moody, and a bit dark. Kristen Stewart captured this perfectly, whether because she’s similar to Bella in personality or whether she’s simply a good actor, we do not know. I found that out of all the ways they turned this novel into something childish, they were saved by casting a girl who could act, who could make it seem natural, who could react genuinely. A girl who isn’t going to giggle and say “like totally” in every sentence. My God, how would we have dealt if this had been some Hillary Duff - type actress? I’ve read plenty of blogs about Kristen’s annoying habits, something about inhaling a lot and blinking too frequently… and I just keep coming back around to the fact that some people have too much time on their hands. (Cough cough, not me, no way.) Every actor has certain behaviors, and if you stare at them under a microscope, you’re going to find them. (Shia LaBeouf says, “No, no, no, no, no!” Robert Downey Jr. talks super-fast, and Keira Knightley pouts.) Especially if you’re angry at them and looking for a reason to hate them.
And all those girls who sit there and whine that she can’t act, well, half of them are watching “Gossip Girl” and “One Tree Hill” and “Smallville” and thinking those are the greatest trained actors in the history of the world. Which is a hell of a stretch. If you’re going to claim Kristen Stewart sucks, you can’t say she needs to be replaced by a CW actor. I don’t know any of those people who have starred in Academy Award nominated films in the last two years, (Into The Wild) or who have worked alongside Robert De Niro, Jodie Foster, Meg Ryan, Sean Penn, and Bruce Willis. Case closed.
I’m not going to sit here and demand she win an Academy Award for “Twilight”. I’m fortunate enough to not be mentally damaged (though some would disagree). However, I think she saved this film from becoming a complete parody of the book we all love by anchoring it with a realistic depiction of Bella. Remember, she’s playing the role of someone who we’d all like to imagine doesn’t exist. Because when we read this book, it’s ourselves going through this, it’s me, and it’s you who is in love with Edward. (And who Edward loves!) So any actress standing onscreen is going to be immediately recognized as one because she’s blocking our view of Edward. Going into it with that in mind, look at her again.
Number #1 Suckiest – The almost criminal neglect of developing the love story
So many fantastic lines, wasted! If you notice, they don’t actually say “I love you” once in this whole movie! The point is… so much time is spent on everything but the damn love story in this movie. Charlie, Renee, Jessica, Eric, Mike, Jacob, Billy, Weyland, the nomadic vampires set-up, the baseball scene, come on already. This is a love story. So make it that way. Sheesh.
Number #1 Greatest – Robert Pattinson.
Ah, is there much to say? Just look at him. I drooled all over myself when I first saw him in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” as Cedric Diggory, so you can imagine my hysterical joy when I found out he’d be playing Edward Cullen. Now, some of you do not share my views, and that’s unfortunate, but the majority of fans are thrilled to have him. (See video of him being choked by fans in NYC) The eyes, the lips, the cheekbones, the jawline, the crooked smile, the soulful singing, the deep mind… sigh. Good stuff, Summit. Let’s be completely honest here. Most actors when given this role would never have done the massive amount of research that Robert Pattinson did for it. This guy took it seriously, as serious as an Academy Award nominated role. Which, for the Twilight movie, was so deeply appreciated instead of just winging it and knowing that he’d be loved no matter what. So thank you, Robert, for taking it seriously and for giving us the best Edward Cullen we could possibly deserve. Thank you, thank you.
And that’s it! Wow, I can’t believe I finally finished it. Whew. Cheers, everyone, to a fantastic “New Moon”, and I’ll be right here waiting when that one is released on DVD as well. Same for “Eclipse” and “Breaking Dawn”… which I’m having difficulty even wrapping my mind around. But I am rubbing my hands together in anticipation. It’s gonna be good stuff, stay tuned! Thank you so much for reading, again, from the bottom of my heart.
♦ Honorable Mention ♦
I wrote this in my notes but completely forgot to include this in my article!
When they say goodbye at the car, it is so gut wrenching and beautiful. From Bella’s look of panicked desperation at the thought of being apart or even losing him, and Edward trying to reassure her but truthfully being terrified himself… then he tells her that she’s his life, crushes his eyes together in pain, and looks so torn that it just kills me! And they end with the cars peeling out leaving Edward teetering precariously between them. Excellent.
Also, this too! The scene in which Bella "breaks up" with Edward, packs in front of her father, then breaks his heart to save him as she leaves... this was done so beautifully! With so much maturity and intelligence, I was wondering why this scene was so much more sophisticated than the others. I truly loved how they didn't explain what was happening to the audience before it starts, so you're confused just like Charlie as Bella tells Edward to get out! Then she runs up the stairs and as she opens her bedroom door, we catch a glimpse of Edward's silhouette. Fantastic! I just loved it!
Link to "Top Ten Greatest and Suckiest Things About "Twilight" the Movie - Number 10: www.examiner.com/x-10163-Denver-Creative-Arts-Examiner~y2009m6d8-The-top-ten-greatest-and-suckiest-things-about-Twilight-the-movie
Link to "Top Ten Greatest and Suckiest Things About "Twilight" the Movie - Number 9: www.examiner.com/examiner/x-10163-Denver-Creative-Arts-Examiner~y2009m6d15-The-top-ten-greatest-and-suckiest-things-about-Twilight-the-movie--9
Link to "Top Ten Greatest and Suckiest Things About "Twilight" the Movie - Numbers 8&7: www.examiner.com/x-10163-Denver-Creative-Arts-Examiner~y2009m6d30-The-top-ten-greatest-and-suckiest-things-about-Twilight-the-movie--8--7
Also, some of you have asked where you can follow me on Twitter. (That's very flattering, thank you!) Since you asked, here's the link! twitter.com/meganhorizon
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