UPDATE: Revised top-ten worst songs in hip-hop history

May 26, 4:01 PMColumbia Urban Music ExaminerGeorge Butler

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It had to be done.

I'm compiling another top-ten. This time I'm going to cheese a lot of Southern rap fans off. And I'm glad. Let's cut through the BS and get this puppy started. In fact, I don't see an Angry Hip-Hop Nerd show on YouTube too far off.

10.: "Bunny Hop" by Get Rich Clique

How did we go from the Humpty Hump to the Bunny Hop? A cute, vegetarian woodland creature with fur does not a good dance inspiration make. And to interpolate "The Oompa Loompa Song" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...... how could they? Gene Wilder should whoop their butts, but, sadly, he's too old. Get Rich Clique should never touch a mic again. When are those anti-microphone shock collars gonna be invented?

9.: "Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It" by Dem Franchise Boys

You're supposed to lean with it, then rock with it? Ohhhhhh...... okay, now I get it. Thanks for the tips. But why in the blue hell would I want to do either to this? Every snap music song, such as the previous one, should be on this list, except for a select few who do it right. If I rock with it, then lean with it, will I break a testicle? I'd better consult my doctor.

8.: "Ay Bay Bay" by Hurricane Chris

Sounds like something a toddler would say, doesn't it? And the beat is as lethargic and boring. He raps, "When they see us in the clup, ay bay bay/White folks, gangsters and the thugs, ay bay bay". Not something either group of people would be saying. Anyone over 8 would sound so stupid yelling out, "Ay bay bay!" And what thug would call another "bay bay" without getting shot? In the intro, some little kid is speaking some gibberish before the so-called "beat" starts. No gold at the end of this rainbow.

7.: "Throw It Up" by Li'l Jon and the Eastside Boys

Somebody should have told Lil Jon and Co. that rapping and screaming to Clint Mansell's "Lux Eterna" DOES NOT WORK! If you're ears don't bleed from hearing Jon and Pastor Troy almost lose their damn voices trying to plead to the individual hood nugga to "throw up his hood", you're probably a robot, or you can no longer hear after listening to the rest of Lil Jon's collection of screaming songs, which are superior to this but not by far.

6.: "This Is The Way We Ball" by Lil' Flip

This is NOT the way we ball: teaching a bunch of kids that greed is good is lame enough, but to have them help to sing the hook to your incredibly slow crap is damn near unforgivable. Never in your pathetic life teach kids how to ball: balling is a state of mind. Do you want them to ball like Michael Jackson (minus the little boys) or like 2Pac before he took bullets in every vital organ? Being successful is having enemies without guns.

5.: "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne

"Shorty want a thug", huh? Well, shorty is very shallow and deserves to be alone and to never breed...... ever. The last thing we need is a new generation of girls singing songs about fellatio. Lil Wayne wants YOU to give him a blowjob, if you're a woman, of course, or Baby. By the middle of the second verse, you'll be asleep, because Wayne's auto-tune is the ultimate cure for insomnia. Nite-nite.

4.: "It's All Good" by MC Hammer

Even the Hammerman can come up with a stinker. VH1 listed "Pumps and a Bump" as a bad song, but screw them: Gangsta Hammer is so..... wrong, but "Pumps" gets a pass, cause it's all about booty...... plump, female booty...... and it's set to a sample of "Atomic Dog". Give it a break. But "It's All Good" samples Brick's "Dusic", which is hardly Snoop Dogg-ish. Plus, I heard Mr. Burrell takes shots at the duo Black Sheep, who may have previously diss his parachute pants, which rubbed him the wrong way. Do not tick off the Hammer: your ears will explode.

3.: "Chain Hang Low" by Jibbs

Using a camp song for a rap hit? What is this world coming to? Having kids sing the hook (see "This Is The Way We Ball") is bad enough, but to ruin "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" to make a rap about jewelry should earn any MC a place in the hottest section of hell. No, my chain doesn't hang low....... but it looks better than yours.

2.: "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

On what warped universe would he not be on a list like this? This silver FM turd includes a steel drum synthesizer and snaps. Mozart would be proud....... after fifteen lines of cocaine and a gallon of vodka. This fusion of DNA from Ronald McDonald and Wesley Snipes makes the emptiest instructional video since "Sweatin' to the Oldies While Overdosed on Valiums". Mix Ritalin with your kids' cereal bowl, and they will think this is comparable to "Nas is Like". Soulja Boy off in this ho, this BS has gotta go. If you try to Supermand this "ho", a foot up your butt is the Kryptonite.

But what could possibly be worse than this ear infection of a song? A stink bomb that came a couple years before it.

1.: "Laffy Taffy" by D4L

That's right: this ode to 25-cent candy will make babies cry.

Loudly.

Lead doofus Fabo is sing-rapping like he took lessons from Nelly and totally half-assed them in a melody-less song. Even Stevie Wonder on harmonica and Yo-Yo Ma on the cello couldn't help this aural, anal diarrhea. Someone should have told Soulja Boy (aka Soulless Boy) that this is not real rap with real lyrics. Who forgot to e-mail him the memo? Do you know what's REALLY bad about this so-called song? Fabo HUMS. He HUMS! Whoever gave him his first mic should have been mutilated right in front of their children with a wooden cooking spoon. Fabo, please for God's sake DEVELOP A KCUFING HOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! Laffy Taffy rots your teeth and your brain, people.

So go head: diss me. Just wipe the feces from around your head from having it stuck inside Soulja Boy's anus before you get started. All I know is more than a synthesizer and FL Studio shoud be used. But in Hammer's case, having been a gangster is better than all of a sudden turning gangster to get lyrical revenge.

Let's get back to beats and lyrics........ please.