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Horsley's Director of Security may be a dog, but his first girlfriend was a mule.
(Warning: If the title isn't a clue, the following post may offend some.)
Rude Pundit likes to tell the joke about a man sitting in a bar who says to no one in particular, "A man can spend his life building bridges. Do they call him John the Bridge Builder? No. A man can spend his life raising crops. Do they call him John the Farmer? No. But you screw one goat . . ."
When you're a reporter, you occasionally have to ask uncomfortable questions of someone. In this case, I landed an interview with the Georgia Creator's Rights Party candidate for governor, Neal Horsley, who is running on the secessionist platform. During the course of my research, I stumbled upon the fact that Horsley had screwed a mule. (Horsely originally fessed up in an Esquire article, which was picked up by Alan Colmes.) At that point, the campaign, the crusade, everything else kind of takes a backseat to the fact that he screwed a mule.
How exactly does one go about asking that one? Do you throw that question in at the end of interview, all casual like?
I first learned about Neal Horsley when he sent me an email telling me he had been following my articles on secession and wondered if I could help him get in contact with the head of the Georgia Militia. I told him, sadly, no, but was curious about a link to a website he gave me for his campaign for governor. And then, there was the mule thing, which I'll get to.
He is running on the "nullification platform", which is kind of secessionist lite. Though, looking over his platform, there doesn't appear to be anything lite about it. But we'll get to that later.
Now, about the mule. Here's a snippet of his confession on Alan Colmes:
NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."
AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."
NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"
AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"
NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."
Colmes said he thought there were a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and "and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?"
Horsley said, "You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it."
Yep. There was no way we weren't going to ask about that one. It was just a matter of how. We worked in the question somewhat delicately this way: "So, as a candidate for Governor, are you worried about any skeletons in your closet that might get aired in the course of the campaign?"
"No, that's why I'm running for Governor because I don't have any skeletons in my closet," he says. " I’ve talked about things people would never have talked about. Any skeletons I have, I take them out and rattle them around."
"What kinds of things?" I ask.
Without missing a beat, he says, "You know what you’re thinking about has been out there..."
"We're talking about the mule now?"
Yes, he says. The mule.
"A small mule?" I ask.
"No, a full grown mule," he says. "She loved me, though."
We both laugh, but I'm still trying to figure out the logistics. How big is this thing? The size of a horse, he says.
"All I had to do was give her an ear of corn." He laughs again. "She was a [prostitute] mule."
"How did you reach?"
"I don't know... I stood on something. The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before."
That's right, my friends. This is an Underground exclusive.
Not only that, but Horsley has had sex with men. He was in the Air Force, it was a cold night, yadda, yadda, yadda, he had sex with him, ahem, the way he did the mule. "It was gross," he says.
Really? He hadn't described the mule that way.
"I've [screwed] a watermelon," he says. And that's just for starters. He's had sex with just about everything it's physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn't. "How many times have I masturbated in my life?" he asks. Now he's 65 and orgasm-free for two years (his wife finally divorced him -- too much "drama", she said). "The bottom line is, I never treated it as if it were not a sin."
Good to know.
Now that we got that out of the way, we can talk about his campaign to secede from the Union. Tomorrow. (Also, Horsley explains why terrorism is Biblically sanctioned.)
Comments
Swine Flu patient Zero perhaps? Seriously, how come these people never come to Baltimore.
What qualities does one look for in a mule? I mean it would be wierd if you were with an ugly one right? Guys.....guys?!?!?!?!
I grew up on a farm in Alabama; I know exactly what this man is talking about. Tundra, the trick is finding one that you don't have to lean into. Sometimes they walk forward and it makes you fall off the stool. It's kind of embarrassing really.
I think its ok ... as long as there's no anal.
That would be wrong!!!
This is so many kinds of awesome.
I'm sorry, but I need a ruling on this. Horsley claims farm boys will have sex with anything that's warm, damp, and vibrates. Now, a watermelon is certainly damp, and possibly warm if it's been out in the sun all day. But vibrating? I have a reasonably broad gardening knowledge, but I confess to being unfamiliar with any species of watermelon that <i>vibrates</i>. Was it an experimental Monsanto hybrid that never gained mass appeal? Or was it just being devoured by bees at the time of his amorous conquest?
Yup this is the guy we need!!! everytime they pull out a radical muslim to portray Islam in the middle east, interview this guy to give the message from the christians in the USA
Wow Dylan,
My interviews are *never* this interesting!
Kelly Smith
Quilting Examiner
OMG!! I can hardly type for the laughter! This man is far far far from any country boys I grew up with, and I live in the styx! Out here there is too much free, warm, damp, vibrating spots that belong to horny girls for any of these boys to be interested in livestock! There are, of course, the running jokes about cows being "stump broke", (shouldn't need explanation) but it is just that, a joke!!!
This dude is nuts and needs to be in an institution. In the south, we are pretty proud of our crazy folk, we don't put them away, we put 'em on the porch, and show them off, cause they are colorful and eccentric, but even we know when Jethro needs to be sent up river to a padded room! And I don't know of a single, self respecting christian that isn't completely mortified that this whacko is claiming Christianity.
So if this guy got the mule pregnant, I guess he'd have to raise and care for the mule-child as being a proper Christian an abortion would be out of the question.
Safely far from Georgia,
Allen in Allentown, PA
Sadly (?), he seems to not be aware of the fact, like Loretta Nall tried in 08, any 3rd party candidates running for state office need hundreds of thousands of signatures *just to get their name on the ballot!* And I doubt this guy, who's f*cked a mule, will be able to reach what Loretta could not.
Allen, humans and horses can't mate, they have different numbers of chromosomes. Humans have 46, horses and donkeys have 64.
A mule is the result of a female horse being impregnated by a male donkey, the result is a mule; if a male horse impregnates a female donkey, it's offspring is called a 'hinny.')
www.science.edu.sg/ssc/detailed.jsp?artid=153&type=6&root=4&parent=4&cat=45
I grew up on a farm too, I guess I was lucky enough to have farmers daughters just down the road. If I had screwed a mule, waterboarding wouldn't get it out of me. Now I know where these southerners, and christians come from. I was thinking, outer space, before now. Was it good for her?
Dylan,
I featured your article in a special Masturbation Month edition of The Weekend Embrace. Please come have a look!
www.examiner.com/x-1916-Sex--Relationships-Examiner~y2009m5d2-The-Weekend-Embrace-National-Masturbation-Month-special-edition
Love,
Sarah
This is J.C. from the comic Preacher come to life and running for office. That is so many shades of excellent that I don't know where to begin.
re: Patty LMAO. Thanks. Made my night.
re: Beside - If it were a MALE donkey with a vibrating wet spot there, would have to be.
re: Marco - get your Dad to hold the donkey. Your sister if the donkey is male <wink>.
re: Tundra, soft hinquarters, make sure the tail isn't smelly. A nice attitude is good too. No spitting, snorting or kicking, and instead of one who walks forward, choose the one that pushes back. She's the farm slut.
From New Zealand, I have always been labelled and called a sheep shagger. I would always respond "we never shag sheep - we only go down on them"
Sex without love can be so shallow. Those sheep can really understand you if you pet them nice and feed them crysanthemums!
In answer to Dr. Know - notice that Swine Flu has NOT come to Baltimore. All those little nasty germs put it about "don't mess with Baltimore, they got 'The Wire' we don't want a run in with those guys.
p.s. Totally addicted to The Wire
here in Wales; UK
You KNOW he's having a relationship with his director of security.
And how ironic.... with a name like Horsley,(ahem)
I don't know about these fulks, I mean 'folks.'
I personally like to stick to my own species for procreation and/or copulation.
I'm stubborn like a 'mule' about that....
Maybe that was the wrong choice of words.
Imagine if this guy gets elected?
I think someone should turn the tables on this guy and he should be screwed by a Mule.
...but seriously, if he's in the "creators choice" party, mybe he should read his Bible (Leviticus 18 I think) where incestual relations and Beastiality are called abominations.
And I'll think twice about eating watermelons for awhile.
where are the animal rights activists on this issue. he admitted it, is anyone speaking out for the poor mule.
Very nice site!
You're a long shot candidate for Governor of Georgia when you:
A) are the 'Creationist' party candidate.
B) Run on a secessionist platform
C) Admit to having sex with a donkey and a watermelon
or D) all of the above.
On second thought this guy would make a pretty good republican...probably has a 50/50 shot if he changes parties.
Somehow this reminded me of you.
Wonderfully written, gotta look for some more articles :P
It's all behind him now. Bet you are jealous you do not live in such a progressive state.
I was taken off guard and nearly wrecked my van yesterday as the images of this "man's" truck road through my downtown area of LaGrange, proudly showing off the most horrible images I have ever seen before. I was just so glad my young children weren't with me to witness large images of dead aborted fetuses riding down the road. I happened to catch just one image on my cell, but decided that if I were to post these, then I would be just as bad as he is for parading them through a busy town full of young kids that possibly would have been scarred for life once their parents were forced to explain to them what they just saw. Why isn't there a law against people like this running for a gov't office?
Ok so sex with a farm animal who can't so no is ok but Abortion is wrong? really????
Did he suck the mule's balls? Teabagging?
Brilliant; hide all your other skeletons by admitting to something OVER THE TOP sexual & embarrassing (but buried deep in your past & essentially victimless). Thereby focusing the attention on that so no one digs around for that time you were fired for embezzling...or whatever.
"Look, look at my right hand!"
*left hand steals your wallet*
Remind me never to eat watermelon with this guy.
This was so well written, and the topic was quite fascinating. To think how biased Horsely is, to think having sex with another guy is gross while the mule was alright. I know there are lot's of "Horsley"s around. I think he is twisted to say the least.
i suspect the majority of this is about "being there" and "doing that" and getting the T-shirt, thus giving him the supposed ability to "know better".
however those who deny that romantic love is possible between two people of the same sex are in fact denying the very existence of gods.
he's probably had sex with aborted fetuses. Those posters on the back of his van are porn to him.
I am extremely impressed that you were able to get this story! This is absolutely depraved and so, so hilarious. Thanks for sharing it.
disgusting post.
You are having us on aren't you.
Good thing he didn't have sex with a horse, then I would really wonder why he didn't change his name sooner.
C'mon now, he said the mule loved him . . .
If this guy splits the rightwing's vote he'll find himself being screwed by a donkey. I suppose it's an improvement over being screwed by an elephant.
The guy is awful, and I'm glad he's such a whackjob because he hurts the horrible causes he espouses.
HOWEVER, that being said -- as a person of rural Southern heritage, I gotta tell you that he speaks the unvarnished truth about young sexuality and domestic animals. He just does.
And it's not just the South! And it's not just men! And it's not just ignorant backward intellectually challenged people! Harvard professor Marjorie Garber all but announced in an academic book about human/animal relations in literature that she had sex with her dog.
And it's not just East Coast eggheads! Garber also has had a relationship with Stanford University: here' some info about her -- http [colon] [double forward slash]prelectur[dot]stanford[dot]edu[forward slash]lecturers[fwd slash]garber[fwd slash]comment[dot]html
I'm not saying it's COOL. I'm just saying that it happens a TON more than one would think. The guy spoke the truth about growning up on farms in the rural South.
The guy is awful, and I'm glad he's such a whackjob because he hurts the horrible causes he espouses.
HOWEVER, that being said -- as a person of rural Southern heritage, I gotta tell you that he speaks the unvarnished truth about young sexuality and domestic animals. He just does.
And it's not just the South! And it's not just men! And it's not just ignorant backward intellectually challenged people! Harvard professor Marjorie Garber all but announced in an academic book about human/animal relations in literature that she had sex with her dog.
And it's not just East Coast eggheads! Garber also has had a relationship with Stanford University: here' some info about her -- http [colon] [double forward slash]prelectur[dot]stanford[dot]edu[forward slash]lecturers[fwd slash]garber[fwd slash]comment[dot]html
I'm not saying it's COOL. I'm just saying that it happens a TON more than one would think. The guy spoke the truth about growning up on farms in the rural South.
I just have one question for this man: "If a mule rapes a woman, should the Govt. force her to carry the minotaur to term?"
Good God!!!! That has been a running joke from us Northerners forever! Now, PROOF! I sadly, live in Ga now, but "NOT" forever !!! I do not care for fire ants, pine trees and mule lovers. Anyway, All I can say is at least the man is honest. I mean, would you be running for Governor and "admit" to having sex with mules, watermelons, and "everything" that was warm, damp, and vibrated? Oh, and having sex with another dude?! WELCOME GO THE SOUTH! LMFAO!
Egads!! The big problem with screwing a mule is that you have to walk all the way around to the front just to kiss her.
There is a place on each of these comments to report abuse. I think this guy has reported the ultimate abuse. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEECH. What a nut. Makes a feller wanna move to Alabama. At least there the Governors only abuse the rights of their HUMAN citizens.
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