In the first article in the series on Adoption the missing piece was discussed. For every adoptive person that piece can be different, especially given the many types of adoption. Not every person that is adopted gets two "new" parents. Some children that are adopted come from single parent families, in which the single parent marries, and the spouse adopts the child.
Living in this situation can be a double edge sword; it may seem that because a child has one biological parent in the picture that the issues discussed in the first article don't apply. This is not true. It can almost seem that knowing half of your origin is worse than not knowing at all. Explaining the situation to someone who isn't aware of an adoption gets even trickier.
Generally speaking in this situation it is the man who is adopting the child. For the dad it gets tricky too. Step-dads just like adoptive dads have challenges when it comes to raising a child that is not biologically connected to them. The difference for step-dads is that the mother is biologically connected to the child. This doesn't mean that the dad loves the child any less it just changes the dynamic of the household.
The dynamic can also change again if more children are added that are biologically connected to both mom and dad. Again this is a double edged sword, the child who is adopted, may have feelings of not belonging to this "new" family, in much the same way that a child who is adopted by both parents. However, they do have a family member who may at least in some way look and act like them, unlike a child who is adopted by both parents.
There are a few areas for dads, both adoptive and step, where caution needs to be taken. Remember that whether you are adopting with your wife or marrying someone with a child you need to go into this just as if the child were yours biologically. Accept and unconditional love will make the transition easier from the start.
Discipline should be discussed with your partner before the new child enters the home. Sometimes the ideas of discipline are different from parent to parent and it's best to understand where each other stand before a situation arises. If you are a step-dad discipline gets harder for you, talk to your new spouse before the wedding about the type of discipline that has been used. Mothers can be very protective of their children especially when it comes to a new spouse. Be patient with your wife, it's a new situation for everyone.
The other-dad syndrome is very real for step-dads. As the first article pointed out adoptive dads may need to worry about this, but it happens much later when children want to seek out birth parents. For step-dads there may or may-not be a biological father in the picture, this can be difficult emotionally because the longer you have a child the more of a bond you feel and the more protective you are. Be careful to not talk bad about a biological father that is in the picture, while they may not meet your standards of what a father should be it doesn't mean they aren't important to the child.
If the child wants to meet and have a relationship with their biological father, make sure that you send accepting signals to your child. If you send negative signals it may make the child feel guilty for wanting a relationship or being involved with their biological father. It could also make the child pull away emotionally from you. Remember that if you talk to your spouse that she may be pulled in many directions herself. There can mixed emotions about the father of the child for her, the mother bear syndrome where she will protect her child no matter what, and also you, she does care about you too. Make sure you are patient and communicative.
It can be difficult for your child, your wife, and you to talk to each other knowing it may upset someone, so there are support groups for adoptive children and their families. Check below for links to support here in Buffalo.
New directions and family services
Hillside Children's Center
NYS adoption services
Check out part one of this article and check back for the next article on adoption. If you have questions or topics you would like more information on comment below or email me at mlinton12@gmail.com.
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