Declaration of Independence from Social Media (for One Day)

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the digital bands which have connected them with all of their friends they haven’t seen since preschool, and to assume a life away from the computer for one day, a respect for other Internet users requires that the person should declare the causes which cause them to separate from social media for that day.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Twitter and Facebook users are created equal. That they are endowed by Mark Zuckerberg and other social media gods with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of having the most clever status updates.

Whenever any form of social media becomes destructive, it is the right of the social media user to take a break from it.

The history of social media has led the user to repeated injuries. To prove this, let facts be submitted to our fellow social network colonists:

• Social media has refused to assent to social laws most wholesome and necessary for the public good, such as not allowing us to disconnect from people we haven't spoken to in years.
• Social media has forbidden its users to attend to things of immediate and pressing importance, such as getting up to take a shower or going to bed at a suitable time instead of sending fake beers to our friends.
• Social media has refused to accommodate large districts of people—unless those people would relinquish the right of privacy to marketing companies and creepy Internet stalkers.
• Social media called together legislative bodies at unusual places, allowing Congressmen to tweet instead of doing their jobs.
• Social media has made employers dependent on its will alone to find out whether job applicants are worthy.
• Social media has kept among us armies of bloggers forced to work for free.  
• Social media has plundered our minds, ravaged our brain cells, burnt our eye sockets, and destroyed the ability of humans to talk in person.

We, therefore, the representatives of the World Wide Web, appealing to the social media users of the world, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of these social networks, solemnly publish and declare, that people are and of right ought to be free and independent thinkers for one day—absolved from constantly retweeting and giving the thumbs up to whatever everyone else says.

While supporting this Declaration of a day without social media, we realize that we will be tweeting again tomorrow. When this Independence Day is over, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortune, and the promise to never do anything without telling the rest of the world about it again.