On April 4th, 2014, this column will observe its 1st year aniversary. Beginning with a request by Stevie Johnson of the Buffalo Bills that Kim Jong-Un bomb Foxboro, Massachusetts, this column has endeavored to call attention to the purveyors of the most irresponsible, most incendiary and most reality-impaired of political rhetoric in America and offer common sense rebuttals.
And immediately upon this column's conception, it became bombarded with the same complaints over and over again.
- "How dare you call this journalism!"
- "This isn't nonpartisan!"
- "You're a yellow journalist!"
- "You should be hanged for treason!"
- "You're a fat loser who will never get laid!"
- "You will suffer an eternity in Hell!"
Apparently, in this post-Tea Party world of 21st century politics, if you refuse to lend your voice to those of people who insist that President Obama is a racist Kenyan Satanic Muslim secular socialist Saudi mass-murdering Communist pedophile Nazi Antichrist, that means you are evil and hate America.
But this column has not kept its ridicule exclusive to conservatives. On the contrary, I actually spend a fair ammount of extra effort looking for extra-crazy statements from the left. Ingrid Newkirk, Bob Filner and Lizz Winstead, for example, did not escape this column's notice.
But the reason I wrote about these voices on the left was because their remarks were irresponsible, and not because of some feeling of being required to keep the ridicule of liberals and conservatives to an even spread.
I also feel no compulsion to either refrain from addressing all of the lunacy that comes to my attention from one side, or to nitpick at the other side whenever one side so greatly dominates the other.
In a perfect world, sanity would never be considered partisan territory. But in the 21st century United States, I find myself caught between one party that offers ideas while calling for compromise and for their opposition to come together as Americans, and an opposition party that peddles conspiracy theories while calling for violence and for their opposition to be murdered.
This is hardly a new dilemma. Jon Stewart found himself in a similar predicament with his Rally to Restore Sanity. He tried to pretend the insanity was an even spread, but he wound up only sufficing to prove the notion false when the liberals and progressives cheeered his message and Keith Olbermann suspending his "Worst Person in the World" segment, while Fox News, Glenn Beck and the Tea Party lashed out at him and called him a mouthpiece for the Democratic Party.
Bill Maher wisely said of Stewart's Rally, and of all media, for that matter, that "the big mistake of modern media has been this notion of balance for balance's sake. That the Left is just as violent and cruel as the Right," and that "there's a difference between a mad man and a madman."
Maher also once famously said that, if the religious cannot stop insisting that atheism is a religion, then they should compromise and let atheists do "all the looney stuff" that religious people do, after which he performed an un-baptism ceremony of Mitt Romney's posthumously baptized dead father-in-law.
I, in turn, would like to live up to this example by offering this compromise to America's extreme far-right: If you are going to insist that the Democrats are just as plagued by insanity and corruption as the Republicans, you have to let liberals peddle the same kind of ridiculous conspiracy theories that fundamentalists and libertarians revel in every single day.
And in the spirit of April Fool's Day, the one day of the year when I can write something and not be taken seriously, I would also like to get the ball rolling.
Here are ten ridiculous conspiracy theories for liberals to pass around to other liberals while pretending they are undisputed facts just like far-right extremists do.