7 steps to catch a cheating mate

Many people who suspect infidelity mistakenly believe they need to hire a private investigator or invest in expensive software or surveillance equipment to catch a cheating mate.

If you’re familiar with both the subtle and the obvious signs of infidelity, all you really need to catch a cheater are your own eyes and ears, and your personal knowledge of your mate.

Knowing what to look for is the key. See Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell.

1. Stay Alert

If you suspect your spouse or significant other of cheating on you, pay very close attention to everything he or she says and does from this point on.

Simply staying alert and being more aware of what is going on in your partner’s life will help you find out the truth.

During this information-gathering period, don’t let a single day pass without being alert for signs of infidelity. Signs and clues that are evident one day may be undetectable the next. So be alert for anything unusual, or any departures from your partner’s norm. See 10 Things You Should Know about Signs of Infidelity

The majority of telltale signs are subtle. But once you have an idea of what to look for, most of them are relatively easy to find.

2. Write Down What You Find

Document everything! Keep accurate records of what you find. Don’t try to rely on your memory, because if your spouse is really cheating, you’ll find multiple telltale signs

Record your findings in a journal and keep it in a safe place, preferably under lock and key.

Log in the dates, times and places that suspicious or questionable incidents occur. (phone calls, absences, meetings, excuses or alibis given, names mentioned, etc.)

Once you have everything down on paper, you can analyze what you’ve found to see if there are patterns to your mate’s suspicious behavior.

Does he go to the store for a beer at 8:30 every Thursday night? Does he walk the dog for an extra hour on the first and third Sunday of each month? Does wear perfume to the health club to work out? Does she wear her sexiest lingerie only on days she calls home to say she has to work late?

Patterns like these will only be evident if you make a habit of document the things you find – even if they make sense at the time.

3. Exercise Caution

When you find physical evidence, pay close attention to exactly where and how it was found.

If possible, make photocopies, take photos with your cell phone, or write down phone numbers, e-mails, letters, receipts and any other incriminating evidence you come across. Then put things back exactly as they were.

Keep your “evidence journal” in a safe place. You’ll need the proof you’ve found when you sit down and inform your spouse or significant other that you know about or her affair.

Be discreet as you conduct your investigation. Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. See Be Careful Who You Tell That He’s Cheating on You

Maintain your secrecy; be careful not to tip your hand. If a cheater suspects he or she is on the verge of being discovered they’ll get rid of any evidence, concoct plausible-sounding excuses, or attempt to cover their tracks.

4. Don’t Ask, Because the Cheater Won’t Tell

As you gather evidence, you’ll be tempted to question your tell your spouse or significant other about some of the things you’ve found. My advice to you is - DON’T.

And do not come right out and ask the cheater if he or she is cheating, unless you’re prepared to hear a lie. See 9 Reasons a Cheater Will Lie About His (or Her) Affair

The cheater’s creed is: Lie and Deny. It usually takes solid evidence before a cheater will reluctantly (if ever) admit to having an affair. And even then, some cheaters will continue to lie.

Keep quiet. And don not confront the cheater, until you have most, or all of the facts on hand.

5. Restrain Yourself

It will be difficult, and will require great effort to restrain yourself as evidence against your cheating spouse or significant other begins to mount.

You may be tempted to drop a few hints, just to let the cheater know that you’re not a fool.

Until you’re prepared to confront the cheater, keep your lips zipped until you’ve gathered all the facts.

There’s nothing to be gained by dropping hints or letting the cheater know what you suspect. You’ll lose whatever advantage you’ve gained by exposing what you know too soon. See What NOT to Do if He (or She) is Cheating on You.

6. Build Your Case

Once you have solid evidence that your spouse or significant other is cheating, experts agree that you should confront the cheater at an appropriate time and place, and inform him or her that you know about the affair.

The cheater can’t deny the truth if you’ve got everything down in black and white. That’s why it’s important to keep accurate notes. See How to Get a Cheater to Tell You the Truth about His (or Her) Affair.

7. Plan Your Confrontation

When the time is right, confront your spouse or significant other with the proof you’ve found, and inform or her that you know about the affair.

You can ask any unanswered questions you have, or get the missing pieces of the puzzle at this time.

Remain calm, listen to what the cheater has to say, and use this information to help you make an intelligent decision on what it’s in your ( and your children’s) best interests to do.

NOTE: The information in this article on how to catch a cheating mate is adapted from Chapter 4 of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs. This comprehensive guide documents practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs people usually overlook. Despite the title of this book, most of the signs of infidelity it covers apply to cheating women, as well as cheating men.

A WORD OF CAUTION:
Do not jeopardize your safety searching for telltale signs, or trying to confront your mate. If your spouse or significant other has an explosive temper, or a history of violent behavior, take the necessary precautions to protect yourself, and leave the detective work to a pro. Do not put yourself or your children at risk.

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Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on high profile infidelity and popular infidelity issues in the news. She is the founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com, the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, and publishes the Infidelity News and Views blog. To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston, or have her speak at your next event, call 718 592-6029 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com

For more information on how to catch a cheating mate, see the articles and resources below:

Before Searching for Signs of Infidelity, Prepare Yourself for What You Might Find

Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell (free tip sheet)

What Should I Do If I Think He or She Is Cheating on Me?

You Think He (or She) is Cheating on You - Is It Intuition or Insecurity?

Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs (soft cover book with signs of infidelity that apply to both cheating women and cheating men)

Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (e-book version with Affair Recovery information)

Why Most Cheaters Don’t Get Caught

Online Resources to Help You Catch or Monitor a Cheating Mate

www.CheatingSpousePhoneSearch.com

www.CheatingSpouseEMailSearch.com

www.CheatingSpouseBackgroundCheck.com