Why revenge cheating and retaliatory affairs don't work in trying to get even with a cheating mate

Revenge cheating and retaliatory affairs are not the best
way to get even with a cheating mate.
Photo:  istockphoto.com/Bjorn-Robert Schmechel

You’ve been cheated on! Now you want to get revenge on your cheating mate.

Revenge cheating and retaliatory affairs are two ways infidelity victims commonly try to even the score, or strike back at a cheating mate.

It’s natural to want to get back at your cheating spouse when you find out he or she has been cheating on you or having an extramarital affair, but revenge cheating and retaliatory affairs are not the best way to get even with a cheating mate. See 3 Types of Revenge Cheating or Retaliatory Affairs.

What infidelity victims fail to realize is that not only do these forms of revenge rarely have the desired effect, they can backfire in unexpected ways. Read on to find out how.

How Infidelity Victims Set Up Retaliatory Affairs

Sometimes a one-night stand with a total stranger is enough to make an infidelity victim feel vindicated -- even if their cheating spouse or significant other never finds out about the affair.

Other infidelity victims are more calculating about setting up a retaliatory affair. They will go out of their way to cheat with someone who cause major embarrassment or extreme emotional distress to their partner -- a best friend, family member, or business rival of their cheating spouse or significant other.

Then they carefully set things up to make sure their partner finds out about the retaliatory affair.

How Revenge Cheating Can Backfire in Unexpected Ways

Not only does revenge cheating rarely have the desired result, it can backfire in several ways.

Instead of teaching the cheating spouse or significant other a lesson, or showing the cheater how it feels to be cheated on, a revenge affair can actually have the opposite effect.

Your cheating spouse or significant other may use your revenge affair as an excuse to continue cheating on you, or as justification for having other affairs.

Revenge cheating can also lead to domestic violence or worse. No matter how justified you may feel, your partner may strike back at you physically for what you’ve done. See More Women are Resorting to Violent Acts of Revenge.

A Revenge Affair Won’t Solve the Problem

That’s why, when I consult with infidelity victims, I strongly discourage revenge cheating and retaliatory affairs. Instead of solving the problem of a cheating mate, they can eventually destroy what’s left of the marriage or relationship. And there are always negative repercussions of some kind.

Wanting to get even or strike back at a cheating spouse is a natural desire. But if you experience an overwhelming desire to engage in a retaliatory affair, DO NOT give in to this urge. Regardless of whether you plan to stay with the cheater or leave, rethink the matter of revenge cheating, and seek professional help. A revenge affair is something you should avoid at all costs. See How Betrayed Wives and Other Infidelity Victims Get Revenge on Their Cheating Mates.

The Best Kind of Revenge – How Beth Got Even with Her Husband

The best revenge is to refuse to compromise your dignity and your principles by stooping to the cheater's level and having a retaliatory affair.

In fact, sometimes the best revenge is no revenge at all. See How Wives with Cheating Husband Can Gain the Upper Hand.

Three years ago I interviewed Beth (not her real name) who ended up divorcing her husband after finding out about his affair: Because Beth was known to be a very vindictive person, Beth’s ex-husband was sure that she would retaliate against him in some way.

But Beth decided he wasn’t worth the effort, and went on with her life.

This turned out to be the best thing Beth could have done. Beth found out from mutual friends that her ex-husband was obsessed with trying to figure out what Beth would do to him for revenge, and when she would make her move.

He never again had a moment’s peace of mind, and for Beth, that turned out to be the best revenge of all.

Another Way to Get Even with a Cheating Mate

For infidelity victims who feel they absolutely must do something to get even with a cheating mate, there are legal and financial ways to even the score. Request a free copy of the tip sheet entitled How to Legally and Financially Get Revenge on a Cheating Mate by e-mailing InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Revenge – Xm in the subject line.

*** © copyright 2010 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.

Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news. Ruth is the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and publishes the Infidelity News and Views blog.

For more information on revenge, cheating mates, and dealing with extramarital affairs, see: