Elevators at the workplace are a setting that often cause silent frustration for many cubicle employees. These issues stem from your coworkers not understanding the basic fundamentals of workplace elevator etiquette. To assist your idiotic coworkers, here are 20 rules that you can post in the office elevator:
1. Usage of this elevator is reserved for passengers traveling 3 or more floors.
Traveling one floor in an elevator should be grounds for job termination, and at the very least, rude comments from all other passengers.
2. Do not press the elevator button from the elevator lobby and then decide to take the stairs.
You are either taking the elevator or you are not taking the elevator. Before making a decision to press the button, ask yourself if you are willing to deal with the worst case scenario -- which in many cases is waiting approximately 30 seconds. If you find yourself unwilling to wait 30 seconds, you may want to consider using stronger medication to get yourself through the day.
3. Do not enter the elevator if you have smoked a cigarette in the last 30 minutes or you are a chain smoker with clothes that smell like an ash tray.
Your smell reminds me of the VHS cassette tapes from the back porno room during my high school job at a video store. Most people aren't aware of this, but VHS porn and chain smoking are highly related. Especially in 2010.
4. Depending on the day of the week, refrain from conversations regarding the fact that it's Monday, Hump Day, or TGIF.
There is never a good reason to discuss the day of the week, let alone in an elevator.
5. If you are one of two passengers, there is no need to discuss weather during your elevator trip.
Again, it is far less awkward for me to refrain from speaking to you than it is for me to respond to your small talk. Just let me travel in peace.
6. If the elevator is full, do not try and squeeze your fat a** into the elevator.
7. If someone is standing between you and another elevator traveler that you may know, do not create an elevator conversation sandwich
8. Do not leave gas treats for future elevator passengers. Your methane lingers.
You have a million places to let that stuff fly in the office with minimal impact. Just refrain from releasing in tiny contained boxes.
9. If you bathe yourself in perfume or cologne before you go to work, take the stairs in the morning to prevent suffocating coworkers.
Entering an elevator in New Jersey must be like walking into Bath & Body.
10. Know which floor you need to go to before pressing any buttons
If you do happen to press the wrong floor, do not take corrective actions until all others have exited the elevator. If no one exits on the button you pressed, sorry, but it's your turn to get off. Better luck next time.
11. Pressing an already lit elevator button does not make the elevator travel faster
Calm down dude.
12. Do not enter the elevator until you are sure people are done exiting the elevator
It's called "waiting 3 seconds".
13. If you enter this elevator traveling in the wrong direction, it's too late. Don't try to escape at the last second. Take one for the team.
Similar to pressing the wrong button when you enter the elevator, once you've entered an elevator traveling in the wrong direction, you are past the point of no return. You're going to ride that sucker out. Besides, it's less embarrassing that way.
14. If there are other passengers in the elevator, do not hold the door for your coworker who is 30 seconds away.
15. If someone is running to catch the elevator, either help them or don't help them
Don't give 10% effort in trying to stop the elevator doors from shutting. You aren't fooling anyone.
16. Do not hold a phone conversation in the elevator
Get off your f**king phone.
17. Do not pull out your cell phone and text or browse the internet.
It's a pretty quick ride. I think you will survive after being "unplugged" for half a minute.
18. If you are forced to stand next to someone in a full elevator, make sure to maximize your distance as others exit the elevator
If you continue to stand directly next to me and we're the only two left in the elevator, don't be surprised if I curl up in the fetal position.
19. If you are severely overweight, try opening your mouth to take deeper breaths
No one said you have to breathe through your nose. It's okay to open your mouth even without food.
20. Face forward at all times. Don't be stupid, people can see you looking at them
It's called peripheral vision. You are creeping them out, man.
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Life in The Cubicle by Dudley B. Dawson
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Comments
If you are an offender of 3 or more of these rules you are banned from riding. Period. No questions please. Especially #20 you creep.
I like to stare at women in the elevator. It makes them feel safe.
What about accidental boob rubs? When exiting the elevator, I always attempt an accidental boob rub. It's all I've got left in life.
The only rule should be to not use the elevator. Period.
Thank you Dudley for #1.
USE THE STAIRS!
Absolutely hilarious! In an elevator full of mirrors, please know that I can see you staring at me. LOL
I am guilty of habitually violating #15.
Why should I be forced to wait because you're slow?
Furthermore, why should I be forced to be a jerk by letting the doors just close?
It's a lose-lose situation, and the only way to save face is to feign fumbling for the "door open" button while accidentially (intentionally) hitting the "door close" button.
Sure sign of someone without enough work to do: They make rules for riding elevators, of all things. While some of them were funny, some were offensive. So here are my rules: 1. Keep your opinions about people's appearance & smell to yourself. As you say about people who use phones for whatever, you're not going to be in there that long. Deal. I might not consider YOU a prize, either. 2. Many people are sick, not enough for disability, but enough that they can't walk stairs. They don't always LOOK sick & they aren't going to explain themselves to you, it's not your business. Just assume they have a good reason, unless they're known gym rats, then fire away. It's called COMPASSION. Look it up; you really, really need to. 3. I will talk to whomever I want, on or off the phone. Smile & nod & look away if you don't want to continue. THAT'S called civility. Again, dictionary, dude. 4. I like #12, the rest are petty. People who push in an elevator deserve whatever they get.
I think the person below needs to take a chill pill. I love this article. It makes me know I am not alone in my judgement.
nosensahumaritenow says: I just don't know how to take a joke since my funny bone was removed when I was a young child.
"1. Keep your opinions about people's appearance & smell to yourself."
HECK NO. If I am on an elevator, in line at a store, sitting on a bus, plane ect, or just generally walking down the road and you are near by and smell like you have not showered in a week, I am GOING to tell you. You want me to have respect and be polite about your feelings, I want you to have respect enough to take a bath.
GET OF THE DAMN PHONE. You do not need it to breath. I am so sick of people with their head stuck to a damn phone screen. hang up and drive, work, whatever. No one wants to hear about your trip to the doctor office getting your head removed from your ass.
If your so "sick" that you can't walk up the stairs, then get a wheelchair, cane, crutches, whatever. if you do not REQUIRE those things, then you do not REQUIRE the elevator. And so your no different the rest of us.
Don't yell "Hold the elevator" and then take your sweet A** time to get there. Either pick up the pace or take the next elevator. Don't hold the elevator for these slow pokes unless you are the only one on it.
Saw this on FB (how did you get on my wall?). Hope to see you on my column too Dudley. BTW - good article ;) Good to see ya.
examiner.com/x-25082-Jacksonville-Christian-Living-Examiner
this post is pure crap,an elevator is there for people with disabilities, convenience, or if your just a lazy SOB(who says they cant ride one floor its America you jerk off, plus like someone already said you don't know there reason/medical situation for riding one floor). The only one I like is 6, the gas one is just funny and there for entertainment purposes, and there's always gonna be the creepy staring guy so that one is never gonna change, and my favorite one is the help or don't help one, I personally want to make my elevator ride as quick as possible so I don't even try to pretend to be pressing the open door button, I'm an a** most of the time, so not only will I not attempt to help you I might even point/wave and laugh(I know thats incredibly rude/mean/immature or whatever but lifes to short not to enjoy it and if that means at the expense of others then so be it, it made my day.)
I adore this blog on so many levels. Here is another tip: If it's first thing in the F***** morning, and we are traveling on the elevator together - shut the f*** up. It's bad enough we have to speak when I actually get inside the office.
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