The other day, a friend wrote me that someone had told her that people who were abused as children should not be allowed to have kids of their own. This ignorant soul had been unaware that my friend is a survivor of childhood abuse. He said that parents would be unable to keep from being abusers themselves.
I must really live in a bubble sometimes, because it really surprised me that people exist who are still this stupid and insensitive at once!
When we moved into our house years ago, it had been neglected for many years. On the north side, there were some straggly, thorny "weeds" that our neighbor grumpily told us he'd mowed down again and again, that just wouldn't die. He had sprayed them with pesticides, chopped them down to the ground, and finally given up.
They intrigued me. I left them to see what would bloom.
Sometime in late June that first year, I wandered around the corner to find a whole row of beautiful, light pink double roses. In full shade, in zone 4 Minnesota, after having no protection or coddling or care for years, these tough plants lived despite the world. I loved them on sight.
That first summer, we discovered that our roses spread by runners. My husband and I carefully dug up a half dozen tiny offsprings and transplanted them to a sunny strip along our driveway. By the next year, they were several feet tall and thriving.
It's been a few years now, and our roses are taller than I am. Every June they burst forth with hundreds of soft pink, heavily scented, gorgeous roses. I call them my bulletproof roses, because they are so tough.
I have roses throughout our yard now, but those are my favorites. I've learned not to pay attention to what everybody else is buying or doing. I've studied a lot and worked a lot to make my roses thrive. People stop and compliment me on them as they're walking by now. I'm pretty proud of them.
This weekend, I had the priviledge of having two little girls visiting with their mom and I gave them a tour of the garden. Later on we were on a walk and both girls said that they wanted to have roses in their yards. I told them most people like hybrid tea roses, but I like the old fashioned kind. They both piped up saying that they didn't like hybrid teas at all and they wanted roses just like mine.
If you're a survivor of a less than perfect childhood, never for a minute believe that you are doomed to repeat any cycle. I think of us as those roses-- surviving despite the odds, with a strength we can pass on to our children.
I have had the pleasure of knowing a lot of incredible mothers who survived horrible childhoods and grew up resolved to make things different for their own children. They read more, listened more, took classes and sought out the advice of mothers they admired. In fact, most of the mothers I know who were the absolute best were ones that I later found out had lived through awful childhoods and made the choice to give their kids all that they had missed out on.
My bulletproof roses are in full bloom right now, and they perfume the whole yard. This new generation is getting the light, the attention and the love that the original plants never did, and they're thriving. In a yard full of roses, they're the healthiest and most beautiful of all.
Comments
Reading this article just gave me so much peace within myself.
I was abused in a lot of ways growing up, emotionally neglected, sexually degraded and verbally assaulted and physically maimed.
I was left out of everything whilst my brothers got exaclty what they wanted and needed.
I was like a wilted rose, neglected and unloved.
I was 22 when I had my first child, and I swore that she would never experience anything of what I had. I have strived hard to give her a happy childhood, I have searched the library for books, and the internet for advice, just so I could teach myself how to be a good parent, since i had nothing to base good parenting on. Everything in my life revolved around my daughter.
I am now happy in how I parent.
I'm a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, gentle parenting, unschooling mum of a beautifully happy and content 6yr old daughter and a happy, content 20mth old son.
I'm a survivor. And I KNOW I'm a good parent.
I'm no longer wilted but blooming.
Thanks, Alicia, for this article. I grew up in a family that was also awful... severely dysfunctional, both parents have personality disorders. I have PTSD from it. I still have lots of lingering trauma, and lots of issues, and I worry constantly that I am passing along some dysfunction to my son. It's encouraging to read what you wrote. I hope I am being a good mom. I try very hard.
One thing that's hard when you come from an abusive family is the lack of good grandparents and other support systems, for you and your child/ren. It's something people from happier families, or even mildly dysfunctional ones, don't understand.
Thanks again.
Wonderful Alicia!
Both my parents are survivors of abuse and I have to say I'm pretty glad they decided to become parents in spite of their childhood experiences.
I was struck by the title of this and had to read it - I too broke the cycle. I started in 1990, had my first child in 2001, second in 2006. I finished a dissertation on sexual violence and war in 2004. I planned on making it into a book but don't think I can. I spent seven years on the topic, taking it up because of my own anger over my life. I went from giving myself a new life (saving my life), to being a survivor, then a thriver, and today I wrote that I begin to soar. My kids might not have the perfect mom, but they are growing up in a love-filled and nurturing home, knowing they are cared for. They have so much self-confidence! We homeschool. Now I am doing the final touches of my own healing with EMDR therapy, used for those with PTSD. It seems to be doing wonders. I feel very blessed. Thanks for running into my path today, on the day I begin to soar! :0)
What a beautiful comparison. Thank you. I emerged from an abusive childhood with strong sensitivity and compassion and an extra strong motivation to make a happy life for my children.
What a great piece on those who have made a personal choice to be empowered by their earlier abusive experiences, rather than remain victims of it.
I too was raised in a household which included physical punishment and emotional deprivation/neglect from parents who did the best they could with what they knew. I knew I wanted to do so much better and have educated myself and delved deep into my inner knowing to become that better parent and strive to do better every day.
My soon-to-be ex-husband, on the other hand, has chosen to remain a victim of his past and has inflicted on his children almost the identical wounds he suffered as a child. As do many people who do remain a victim for life of their past wounds.
Many who were hurt do sadly become perpetrators and I can only assume that this is what the "ignorant soul" had noted and commented on. My wish is for a society where victims can be shown how to become empowered and for them to choose that and break the cycle for
...good.
So, in closing, "Can abuse survivors be good parents?" ... of course and there are many to testify to this. Perhaps the question should be "Will abuse survivors be good parents?" and the answer then is sadly "not always".
It is always down to personal choice as to whether someone works on their own personal development and healing or not and some will not and therefore blindly continue the cycle of abuse for another generation.
In my children's case, I believe I can equip them with the support and tools they need to be able to overcome the wounds they are experiencing so that they can find their strength in it now and have an empowered and happy childhood.
My husband hasn't found his motivation or self-reflection yet but still I hope that he finds his own way to break the cycle, for himself, as well as for his future relationship with his children.
No matter where you find yourself in your life, you always have the option to heal and grow.
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