Skip to main content
  1. News
  2. Politics
  3. Independent

Know your rights! For undocumented aliens and UNIDENTIFIED Aliens

See also

This post is dedicated to Barry Rascovar. I was sent a brochure last night from a friend that explains to “immigrants” the Department of Justice’s position on discrimination against people for their “national origin.” Of course, this brochure implies that it holds for illegal aliens as well as legal immigrants. An illegal alien does not enjoy these protections, but DOJ likely won’t tell them that. Quite the opposite. Under the leadership of terrorist sympathizer Eric Holder, DOJ may even defend such people in court because the agency is trying to undermine the rule-of-law everywhere, but especially for Democrats’ new favored demographic, illegal aliens. We wondered however, how the Democrats would react to an intergalactic alien traveler. Would he/she/it be offered the same protections?

The brochure leads off with the following explanation for the benefit of "immigrants":

Federal laws prohibit discrimination based on a person's national origin, race, color, religion, disability, sex, and familial status. Laws prohibiting national origin discrimination make it illegal to discriminate because of a person's birthplace, ancestry, culture or language. This means people cannot be denied equal opportunity because they or their family are from another country, because they have a name or accent associated with a national origin group, because they are limited English proficient (i.e. because they are illegal. Legally immigrated citizens are required to be proficient in English, Ed.), or because they participate in certain customs associated with a national origin group (one New Jersey judge ruled that a Muslim man could beat his wife senseless because it was an accepted act in his culture. Fortunately he was overruled, Ed.), or because they are married to or associate with people of a certain national origin. The Department of Justice's Civil Rights Division is concerned that national origin discrimination may go unreported in the United States because victims of discrimination do not know their legal rights, or may be afraid to complain to the government (i.e. because they are illegal, Ed.). If you think you, or someone you know, has been discriminated against because of national origin and want to learn more about exercising your legal rights, you should read this brochure. This brochure explains the laws prohibiting national origin discrimination and provides some examples. You may find additional information about the Civil Rights Division and its Sections on the internet at http://www.justice.gov/crt. You may contact the Division to report complaints of discrimination as explained below.

… In some cases, the Division may only become involved if there is a "pattern or practice" of discrimination. A "pattern or practice" generally means that there is more than a single incident of discrimination, and that there is a policy or repeated conduct that is discriminatory.

“Undocumented” Alien Discrimination

Following are some actual examples of discrimination taken directly from brochure that an immigrant or illegal alien might encounter.

A young man of South Asian descent is assaulted as he leaves a concert at a nightclub. The assailant, a member of a skinhead group, yells racial epithets as he beats the victim unconscious in the club's parking lot with fists and a pipe.

I’m sure this happens all the time here in America. Here’s another.

At Ku Klux Klan meetings, a Klansman tells other members that Mexicans and Puerto Ricans should go "back where they came from." They burn a cross in the front yard of a young Hispanic couple in order to frighten them and force them to leave the neighborhood. Before burning the cross, the defendant displays a gun and gives one of his friends another gun in case the victims try to stop them.

Everyone who opposes illegal immigration likely falls into this category according to the Holder DOJ. The Klan is everywhere in this racist America you know. Those tea baggers are all racist, KKK members who really just hate you for your differentness, and with America’s racist gun culture, this is what you can expect. There’s a gun behind every bush!

Discrimination in Employment

An American company recruits workers in a small Mexican town, promising them good work at high pay. The company smuggles the Mexicans to the United States in an empty tanker truck. When they finally arrive in the U.S., the workers are threatened, told that if they attempt to leave their factory they will be killed.

Sure they do. Happens every day. This is what you, an illegal alien can expect from those evil capitalist companies that are the ugly face of selfish, consumerist, imperialist America. And they will kill you too, if they can get away with it, because they hate you. But only after working you to death in sweatshops for pennies a day. They should all be put out of business! Here’s another:

A transit worker's supervisor makes frequent racial epithets against the worker because his family is from Iran. Last week, the boss put up a fake sign on the bulletin board telling everyone not to trust the worker because he is a terrorist.

Right, I am sure you all have similar stories of such injustices in the workplace. We have no idea what prompted you to come to this awful country, but since you have, we urge you to join SEIU, AFSCME or some other righteous trade union and vote Democratic!

The DOJ then tells you what to do:

You could be a victim of a civil rights violation. These examples could represent criminal violations of civil rights laws. The Criminal Section of the Civil Rights Division prosecutes people who are accused of using force or violence to interfere with a person's federally protected rights because of that person's national origin. If you believe you have been discriminated against because of your national origin you may contact the U.S. Department of Justice Civil Rights Division.

Unidentified Alien Discrimination

So now we’ve dealt with those situations an undocumented alien might typically encounter in these hostile, bigoted, fascist, homophobic, xenophobic United States. But what about the situations an unidentified alien traveling the space and time continuum from a different galaxy might encounter? How did DOJ overlook that? Is DOJ guilty of a microaggression? Are they subconsciously displaying soft racism against the differently-universed?

We decided it was critical to include this often overlooked group. Surely DOJ will quickly revise their important pamphlet, or at least award us a government grant. Following are likely examples of unidentified alien encounters:

You just landed your UFO in an abandoned lot in a major city. It’s been a long trip from outer space, but being new to the area you decide to go downtown and learn more about your new home. There are what appear to be a lot of kindred spirits – laughing youths with bald heads, spiked Mohawks and bright green and pink hair – loitering around a bar named “ARYANN RIZISTANTS TOO.” Underneath is a sign “Skinheads Welcome! - Illeagles Unwelcome!” Optimistically, you approach a rather large, bald-headed individual and, smiling solicitously, speak the most friendly, welcoming “hello” in your language:

“Snorkellatta, smalobypooallatpuet, laskeraouropoloffle SNORGSNAP!”

The man turns and looks at you, responding: “What the…? What did you say, faggot??!!” He then proceeds to beat you senseless with a bat and steel chain you didn’t notice he was hiding under his long black skin covering.

You could be a victim of a civil rights violation. The Criminal Section of the Civil Rights Division prosecutes people who are accused of using force or violence to interfere with a person's federally protected rights because of that person's national origin. If you believe you have been discriminated against because of your national origin you may contact the U.S. Department of Justice Civil Rights Division. Know your rights!

Here’s another. We use the same individual because there are only a few recorded instances of aliens from another planet actually visiting here. It did not go well for them. Remember Roswell!

Slowly recovering, you meander off looking for some more compassionate spirits. You round the corner and stumble into a PETA/CODE PINK protest against meat eating and the oppression of Hamas terrorists in Gaza. You cheer up when you see that the PETA women are, like you, naked. They are draped in what looks to be some kind of animal flesh. It reminds you that you haven’t eaten since passing Alpha Centauri a few months ago. You begin salivating. A pair of CODE PINK protesters see your nakedness and notice you drooling. These are real womyn and reasonably assume you are merely a typical white male chauvinist pig disgustingly demonstrating your compulsive white male dominance traits by presuming you can mate with them just like that. If you were familiar with this particular tribe’s culture and traditions you would know that you have to participate with them in at least one of their protests before mating. They kick you senseless and one tries desperately to rip off what they think is the offending part of your anatomy. It is actually your breathing tube.

You could be a victim of a civil rights violation. The Criminal Section of the Civil Rights Division prosecutes people who are accused of using force or violence to interfere with a person's federally protected rights because of that person's sexual orientation. If you believe you have been discriminated against because of your sexual orientation you may contact the U.S. Department of Justice Civil Rights Division. Know your rights!

We continue with the travails of this unfortunate intergalactic traveler.

Choking and gasping, you struggle back toward your spacecraft but are jumped by two Black Guerrilla Gang members who demand all your money. When you extend your middle digit in the universally recognized intergalactic gesture of peace, they empty their Glock 9mm pistols into you.

You could be a victim of a civil rights violation. The Criminal Section of the Civil Rights Division prosecutes people who are accused of using force or violence to interfere with a person's federally protected rights because of that person's national origin. If you believe you have been discriminated against because of your national origin you may contact the U.S. Department of Justice Civil Rights Division. Know your rights!

The police find you and you attempt to describe what has happened in the common language of galaxy inhabitants: "ehanerygoipostyiagnit, aidapengyhbgnoahtigns slaenrmeufeyntyt!" you exclaim. But they just keep looking at each other saying “What is it?” Having no idea, they take you to an animal hospital where you die on the examining table while the veterinarian consults his manuals trying to figure out exactly what on earth you are. Of course, you are not from earth, silly man!

This example may be a violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the United States Constitution. It may also be a violation of the Omnibus Crime Control and Safe Streets Act of 1968. That law prohibits discrimination because of national origin, race, color, religion, or sex by a police department that gets federal funds through the U.S. Department of Justice. It may also violate Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which prohibits discrimination by law enforcement agencies that receive any federal financial assistance, including asset forfeiture property. This includes most state and local law enforcement agencies.

Additionally, by not recognizing either your life form or planet of origin, both the police and veterinarian have caused your death. You may be eligible for a substantial cash award! Call 1-800-AMBLNCECHSR to learn more.

This pamphlet reproduced with permission from the U.S. Department of Justice and provided courtesy the Democratic National Committee with financial support from the Association of Trial Lawyers of America. The Democratic Party joins with ambulance chasers, er, trial lawyers and the Justice Department in ensuring your civil rights are protected. Go to www.DNC.org to make your donation now!

This article was a colossal waste of time but I couldn’t resist. Note for those Democrats who don’t know better, I have taken a few liberties with the DOJ pamphlet. This is a satire piece, in case you didn’t realize it.

Advertisement