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Jumped or Pushed? Gingrich Finally Gets Out of Presidential Race

Newt Gingrich was never serious about running for the White House. His campaign was merely a vehicle – albeit, an expensive vehicle – for him to keep his name before a large audience and show the nation that he is not to be taken lightly. Or cheaply. Given his weight and wealth, it would difficult to do otherwise.

His decision to end his campaign now comes off as a smart political move but a very poor business decision. How much money has he already lost on a hope that was never really in the cards? I’m all for capitalism – selling books, giving speeches at tens of thousands of dollars per exhalation – but while he still had a decent line of credit at Tiffany’s, he should have bowed out, made useless threats (which all of his threats are), called for the annihilation of humanity if he doesn’t get his way and then go on a national platform and charge his outrageous fees (think Fannie Mae), to probably include bendi-straws on-deamnd, just as Sarah Palin allegedly demanded four years ago.

Instead, there are a ton of unpaid bills that Mr. Gingrich and his third wife Callista (how cute and GCB is that name?) will have to sort through. Well, maybe not. Lawyers are very good at sopping up political and financial messes, and no doubt Gingrich and Blonde Wifey No. 3 have access to some of the best (read: profitable) lawyers on the planet. File a few papers, pay off a few noisy people who yap at you like those little teacup dogs, and be on your way to Florida or Tiffany’s or wherever the next all-you-can-eat barbeque place may be, hopefully with a nice sturdy soapbox for him to stand on.

When it comes to The Business of Being Famous, Newt Gingrich understands the game all too well and has the connections to prove it, namely that big billionaire (what’s his name?) who bankrolled almost all of his joke-of-a-campaign. Talk about a fool and his money. Either this billionaire is really stupid or Gingrich is that good a talker. I fear it is probably both, which means we have not heard the last of Newt Gingrich. Can’t he take a cue from the lottery winners in Kansas and Maryland and just keep quiet and enjoy his riches in private?

Generally, however, politics and wise money practices rarely go hand-in-hand. Hilary Clinton blew through $5 million in her bid to be the next savior of the universe back in 2008. All she got for it was Secretary of State and even more work, once again proving that hard work only gets you harder work. Newt Gingrich will never have to sing or demonstrate brilliance for his dinner, but now that he’s finally realized that he is still not as popular a cheerleader as Mitt Romney at the prom, he still has to pay more than a few bills for his failed attempt at being Best Boy of the United States.

Speaking of losers, Ron Paul is still in the race, and I can only imagine what the psychiatric evaluations on that campaign must look like. He is right about many things – we can’t afford to be in even one war, for starters – but like most brilliance, it is wrapped tightly in warped sense of reality and personal relevance. And much like much diagnosed mental illness, it keeps on going and getting worse with no end in sight. Talk about a fool and no money. At least Ron Paul runs on his principles and ideology, which is more than we could surmise from the former Speaker of the House, who ran pretty well on one incredible line of unsecured moral credit.

If both men were smart, they would reserve their ringside seats now for what promises to be the biggest and most laughable defeat of a national party candidate for president. Does Mitt Romney really stand any chance of winning the presidency? Only if he somehow demonstrates that he really does have a brain, a heart and courage AND if President Obama really, really, really, really messes up on something of Darwinian proportions.

Like smoking in public.

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