All over the U.S. and especially here in the San Francisco Bay Area, men and women are opening their eyes and arms to love with a partner of another race. Interracial relationships, once a source of angst and fear in America, are now commonplace. Since the landmark 1967 Loving v. Virgina ruling which made interracial marriages legal, the rate of interracial marriage in the United States has more than doubled. Data published from the U.S. Census Bureau estimates that interracial marriages accounted for slightly less than 15% of all new marriages in 2008.
Though Asian women married other races approximately 40% of the time in 2008, Black women have been the slowest to jump on the interracial dating/marriage train, with just 9% marrying someone of another race. However, that number is climbing fast.
For the past three years, U.S. media has focused on the large numbers of single Black women and the fact that Black women are statistically the least likely to be married. Are Black women less marriageable than women of other races? Not at all! The primary reason so many Black women are single is that they believed they should marry only Black men, thus millions of Black women were oblivious to the interest expressed by men of other races.
In discussing this issue with non-Black men, I discovered that many are extremely attracted to Black women yet hesitant to approach. These five guidelines will help you feel more confident about interacting with the fabulous single Black woman you've been dying to get to know better.
- Focus on your similarities, not your differences. Each of us enters into a relationship with our own history, culture, experiences and upbringing. Though interracial dating relationships have definite challenges, our differences are more than just the color of our skin. Your Black partner may experiences racial tensions and slights that you just don't recognize. You will interact with your families and others differently. You may enjoy different television shows, different movies and different foods. But you will probably have a lot in common as well, which is what will ultimately be the glue that keeps you together.
- Avoid telling her that you "don't see color." The reality is that the U.S. was established on and maintains an unequal balance of influence and power based on race. Saying that you don't see color ignores the cultural, language, economic and social barriers experienced by non-Whites in the United States. The fact that many Whites prefer to believe that racism no longer exists in the U.S. is a real problem for non-Whites. Such a denial of the reality of people of color is essentially racist - it's your way of saying that you know more about the reality of Black Americans than she does. Better to say "I appreciate the differences between the races" than to deny that such differences exist.
- Take the time to understand the physical and cultural dissimilarity between other races and Black women. The hair issue is a big one. Don't be surprised when she isn't anxious to jump into the ocean or a pool after paying $100 to get her hair done for the date. And no, you cannot touch her hair either. Another problematic issue is body types. All women are insecure at least a little bit about their bodies. However, the media makes it much worst by perpetuating a female standard of beauty that is slim, narrow hipped, long legged, and blonde with blue eyes. Few White women fit the stereotype, and absolutely NO Black, Asian or Hispanic women do. Cultural differences also apply to cuisine. Avoid turning up your nose at the things your mate likes to eat and instead broaden your horizons.
- Be honest about the issues you have with racism in your family. Will your family be accepting of your choice, or view your interracial relationship as a mere phase to be tolerated? Will they think you are losing your identity and feel threatened that they will lose you next? Be honest with your partner and let them know what they are getting into. Don't set her up to be broadsided by your family or friends while you flaunt her to make a social statement, or use her for shock value or to rebel.
- Using race as the primary or sole criteria for dating her is insulting. You may think you are being flattering and honest, but in reality many of the statements White guys make to Black women come across as creepy fetishizing. Telling her "It's not like you're the first Black woman I've ever dated" or "Black women are so sexy/free sexually" or "I love how Black women catch an attitude and do that neck rolling thing" or "I only date Black women" are guaranteed to offend her. Women of all races want to be loved for who they are as people, not the color of their skin or some silly racist stereotype. Focusing on her as a "type" makes your choice of her come across as a fetish. Stereotyping Black women's anger based on videos or reality show dramatics makes you appear far less than intelligent. Black women are not the only race of women that will get angry, nor do Black women hold a patent on enjoyment of sexual experimentation. Unless she asks, it is also not necessary to discuss the race of previous partners.
The biggest fear that a Black woman has about interracial dating relationships is the worry that she is being used as a social experiment and not truly loved. The negative portrayal of Black women in American media as exotic sexual wild women has also impacted Black women's willingness to date men of other races. As such she may initially be somewhat distrustful of your motivations for approaching.
However, if you are similar in background, education, professionalism, leisure activities, hobbies, interests, and income, she will have much more in common with you than she would a Black male just because they have the same skin color. Remember, matching paint jobs is not what makes a relationship work.
Emphasis on similarities, not differences.
Black women are looking for partners that offer more important things like an ability to communicate, similar outlooks on life, similar goals... even comparable religious beliefs may help. Remember, she's a woman first, and a Black woman second. All women want the same thing - to be loved and respected, her ideals and history accepted, and for the man in her life to embrace the things and people that are important to her.
Is that really so hard?
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