February Is International Boost Self Esteem Month

On February 16, San Antonio's local PBS station KLRN will feature a discussion about bullying on their local progam titled, "Converstations". This episode will highlight three real life stories of how schools and universities have tackled the social epidemic of bullying and include a panel discussion about bullying.

In order to understand bullying or any other social situation that tempts to crush the spirit of a child, there also has to be an understanding of what a child needs to become resilient and persevere through these situations. The reality is not a matter of if, but when a child will become involved in some sort of situation where their self esteem is challenged.

Knowing this difficult but necessary truth, ignorance is not an option. Rather, parents and caregivers are given an important and imperative duty to build up their child's self esteem. All families have the best intentions of building a child's self esteem, yet unconciously, there may be some things that are said and done that bring down a child's spirit, esteem and motivation. In order to avoid this simple mistake, here are five things that every family can say to a child on a continual basis every day:

"I love you!": This should be said when children are doing things that are appropriate and even when they are doing things that may be disappointing or frustrating. Children need to know it is not necessary to behave a certain way in order to hear those words. Love should be conveyed that it is unconditional. Parents may not always like what their children are doing, but it does not mean they are no longer loved. Children need to be reminded of that.
"I really liked how you (then state what you saw them do)!": Say this for the little and the big things they do that are satisfying. Focus on things they do well not just at home, but also at school and within the community. This will remind children their parents are proud of them.
"Would you like some ideas on how to (do a certain task or solve a specific problem)?": Parents are proud to see children do thingson their own. Independence is a goal that all families have for their children. At some point in time there will be a situation a child cannot think through on their own. It is tempting for parents to take care of the problem to save the child from heartache, disappointment or failure. Yet, doing this inadvertently shows the child they are incapable of solving certain problems. Instead, offering ideas while still letting them make the final decision lets children know parents are there to offer support, guidance and believe in their ability to problem solve.
"Thank you!": All children young or old have the need to know what they do and what they contribute is appreciated. Otherwise, children lacking the feeling they are appreciated results in a lack of motivation to do well and to make good decisions.
"I'm sorry.": There is no getting around it, everyone makes mistakes. Whether it is the parent or the child, there will be a time that calls for humility and reconciliation. When humility is displayed within the family, children can display humility within their outside relationships and gain the confidence they can resolve conflicts constructively.

Some parents may find themselves in a position where their child is already experiencing low self esteem. A low self esteem can result in a child either withdrawing socially and displaying behaviors that resemble depression, or they can act out and become aggressive to bring others down. This does not by any means prove it is too late to give supportive and loving comments to help boost a child's self esteem. At the same time, it does call for being exteremly careful and intentional about how to truly empathize with the way the child is feeling and thinking about themselves. Here are some things a family can do if they are currently in this situation:

Empathize with your child especially in times of sadness and anger. Get a sense of what they are feeling and thinking. Do not immediately offer criticism, judgement, advice or feedback. Simply seek to understand how they feel first.
Label inappropriate feelings appropriately when needed while empathizing with your child. So for example, if a child says they are mad because something happened to another child and not to them, a possibility may be their anger is really stemming from jealousy. Label the feeling appropriately and describe it to them. Help them figure out how they can react in a healthier manner.
Talk about others feelings. Once a child feels understood, guide them on how to understand another person's feelings. Use a calm tone rather than an accusatory tone. A phrase such as, "how would you like it if someone did that to you" can convey very different meanings depending on the tone it is delivered in.
Suggest how your child can show empathy to others. Brainstorm ways they can be happy for someone, show compassion towards someone, and show support to someone.
Be the role model. When you have strong, respectful relationships and interact with others in a kind and caring way, the child will learn from that example and imitate it.
Be patient. Children have much less life experience to base their knowledge on, and so it takes time to teach them what it means to be respectful and how to empathize with others. Their level of self esteem may seem more like a roller coaster ride. Validate feelings before trying to fix them, and be ready to teach and re-teach when needed.
Take every feeling of fear and anxiety towards school and other children seriously. Keep an open line of communication with all adults interacting with your child including teachers, administrators, professionals and coaches.
Get to know the children and teachers in the child's classroom as well as the other families. Volunteer at the school when possible and attend class specific parties and activities.
Take every feeling of wanting to hurt another individual or self seriously whether it is a physical threat or even the threat of "not want to be someone's friend anymore." There are certainly strong feelings associated with these scenarios and these are opportunities to teach self-control and how to resolve conflicts within relationships in a healthy way. Seek outside counseling when needed.

When a child has the foundation of a healthy self esteem, it can take them a long way through life and prepare them to face trials and challenges with a sense of capability to overcome and work through them. Self-esteem, therefore, can be a rewarding and life long legacy parents and caregivers can leave behind. What a wonderful gift and what an incredible opportunity!