Celebrating the first day of April and last night’s season opener win by the Seattle Mariners, rumors are flying that billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg intends to purchase the National Rifle Association and quickly make changes at the organization to better reflect his "common sense" approach to gun ownership.
According to completely unsubstantiated reports, upon closing the deal, Bloomberg intends to replace Wayne LaPierre with the one man in America who understands the Second Amendment the same way Bloomberg does: Piers Morgan. Bloomberg apparently considers Morgan's excellent analysis of the gun problem in America last Friday evening as strong evidence that he is the only man capable of changing the NRA’s direction.
The Obama administration is expected to announce its support for Bloomberg’s effort when the president returns from a morning golf engagement. President Barack Obama may provide a team of experts to handle the transition with the same finesse that they handled Benghazi.
“There will be no more of this divisive ‘Stand and Fight’ nonsense from the NRA,” a White House spokesman declared. “The new slogan in Fairfax will follow our successful foreign policy principle: ‘Bow and Apologize’.”
Bloomberg apparently will ask the administration to revise the NRA’s popular firearms insurance program, with the help of senior administration officials now polishing the Affordable Health Care Act.
“If you like your gun, you can keep our gun under this new program,” an administration spokesman said. “However, at Mayor Bloomberg’s insistence, if you should lose your firearm, instead of compensation, Attorney General Eric Holder will see that you are prosecuted. If your home should burn down and you lose your valuable firearms, your policy will pay for grief counseling for people in a different neighborhood who saw the flames.
“We’ll call this new insurance program ‘ObamaDon’tCare,” the spokesman said.
In other news, today is April 1, and it will be sunny and 72 degrees in Seattle, Detroit, Billings, Milwaukee, Minneapolis and Fairbanks.