Valenti looks back on 85 years

Only Jack Valenti could possibly pull off something like this.

The legendary Hollywood lobbyist, who died in April at the age of 85, knew just about anyone who was anyone and his memoir, “This Time, This Place” (out this week) makes that fact abundantly clear.

Take a look at the book’s index: There are 724 names (although, interestingly enough, neither President Bush 41 or 43 are included. Hmm. ...)

The autobiography chronicles Valenti’s life from his Texas childhood to his service in World War II to his time in the White House and as the head of the Motion Picture Association of America.

But Valenti makes it abundantly clear that there was one event that stood out the most: The assassination of John F. Kennedy. (Valenti was six cars behind Kennedy’s limousine when the shooting took place.)

“As I look back on my life, I am still tormented by that day in Dallas that stood witness to the murder of a young president,” Valenti writes. “It haunts me to this hour.”

Other memorable tidbits from Valenti’s book:

On LBJ: “He knew every secret of the Senate and its members. He knew who was a drunk, who was screwing whom, and, most of the times, where it was happening.”

On Don Imus: “Don Imus, Charles McCord and Bernard McGuirk always treat me with great kindness.”

On Michael Jackson: “... one weird fellow.”

On playing “Truth or Dare” with Madonna at a dinner party: “My question (I said, ‘Truth,’ for I sure as hell wasn’t going to act out anything) was, ‘What was your most bizarre sexual encounter?’ All eyes and ears were on me, a new big-shot leader in Hollywood. What to answer? I took refuge in the oldest of human responses: I lied. Said I in my most plaintive tones, ‘I was 15 years old, and I was with this beautiful older woman, and all I could do was kiss her.’ ”

On Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C.: “...a gargoyle to most of Hollywood’s politically active stars. ... I liked him very much.”

On Oliver Stone’s “JFK”: “What I was watching was a piece of beguiling crap, replacing reason with a noisy lie from first scene to last.”

On Tom DeLay: A Republican lobbyist called Valenti and said, “I have been asked to tell you that if the MPAA chooses a Democrat for your job, Tom DeLay and the House leadership will not take this kindly.” Said Valenti: “My spine began to stiffen. So the K Street Project was not some phantom. It was real. And it was right here in my face.”

Valenti opens the book with this touching passage: “I will have shuffled off to that ‘great screening room in the sky’ long before my grandchildren will have formed their own families. But I dare to pray that one day they will pass this book onto their children who will read and hopefully say, "We wish we could have known our great-grandfather. He sounds like someone we could enjoy hanging out with."

A-List turns out for Hamlisch’s B-Day

When Salem Al-Sabah and his wife, Rima Al-Sabah, fete one of their friends, they pull out all the stops. And that includes the guest list.

The Kuwaiti ambassador and his wife hosted a dinner Wednesday for the 63rd birthday of songwriter and composer Marvin Hamlisch, the only man to win an Emmy, an Oscar, a Tony and a Grammy. As the Pops Conductor of the National Symphony Orchestra, Hamlisch was one of the first friends the couple made when they came to Washington in 2001.

And apart from the state dinner for Queen Elizabeth II last week, Washington rarely sees a more exclusive event. Among the 100 or so guests: Karl Rove, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (the two were standing about a foot away from each other for several minutes, but no, we didn’t see them speak); Cabinet secretaries Michael Chertoff, Alphonso Jackson and Carlos Gutierrez; George Stephanopoulos and Ali Wentworth; the New York Times’ Thomas Friedman; Justice Samuel Alito; AOL founder Jim Kimsey; and columnist Cal Thomas. (As dictated by protocol, husbands and wives were separated at different tables, so as to encourage mingling and conversation.)

After dinner, the ambassador gave a speech, into which he weaved several of Hamlisch’s lyrics. Then it was on to entertainment by J. Mark McVey of “Les Miserables” fame. Before playing some numbers himself on the piano, Hamlisch joked that, as they’re expecting their fourth child, the ambassador and his wife should name him “Marvin Al-Sabah.”

Armstrong, crew make noise on the Hill

Legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong led a rally of cancer survivors clamoring for a passage of cancer-screening legislation in Upper Senate Park on Wednesday.

The 200 survivors from around the country, clad in yellow shirts, serenaded Lance with a chant of “Live Strong!” as he made his entrance.

Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, said Armstrong has gone from a “national hero” to a “national treasure.”

Tuesday night after Armstrong hosted a reception for survivors at the ESPN Zone, chef Brian McBride prepared Armstrong and six guests a special menu at the chef’s table at Blue Duck Tavern at the Park Hyatt.

One source told us, “He gave me the man-to-man nod on his way out (my way in) to the bathroom, with a little ‘Hey, man.’ I was over the moon, though I don’t think [my girlfriend] was thrilled I spent the remainder of our date discussing my love of a man and his bike.”

Honoring Tina Tate

A host of media VIPs including Tim Russert and Bob Schieffer, along with Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Majority Leader John Boehner, are expected to take a break in the House Ways & Means Committee room tonight to honor Tina Tate, who has led the House Radio & TV Gallery for 25 years.

After a 40-year career on the Hill, Tate will be going to the Newseum, which opens this fall.

And they’ll have sustenance, too: Chairman Charlie Rangel granted a waiver so food could be served in the room for the 250 or so guests.

Undeclared Thompson bests debate field on YouTube

If you’re Fred Thompson, you’ve got to be encouraged about jumping into the race. In the wake of Tuesday’s debate among Republican presidential candidates, it was the former Tennessee senator who topped the field in YouTube views — and he wasn’t even participating.

Online intelligence firm New Media Strategies measured which candidate got the biggest YouTube bump from the May 15 debate in South Carolina. It also counted the number of viewers of Thompson’s video responding to Michael Moore, which was viewed online concurrently with the GOP debate.

As of Wednesday afternoon, Thompson’s video, in which he suggests that Moore might look into a mental institution, drew 598,600 viewers on Vimeo, YouTube and Google Video.

That dwarfs the most views from any moment during the debate. Ron Paul and Rudy Giuliani’s exchange over Sept. 11 was tops from the actual event, with 16,904 views from online postings.

Mitt Romney drew 4,394 views from online postings; Paul alone got 3,273 views; John McCain, Giuliani and Romney on terrorism and torture drew 2,621 viewers. Even Mike Huckabee’s well-received joke about John Edwards’ hair only drew 365 viewers.

The Onion Lands In DC

''I'm so happy to welcome The Onion to Washington,'' Sen. Russ Feingold told a crowd gathered at the Folger Shakespeare Library to celebrate the D.C. launch of The Onion newspaper. ''I'd like to completely disassociate myself from everything they've ever written.''