Not TomKat, but who’s got the dough?

Warning to all residents of Virginia horse country: Can you handle the truth? Well, brace yourselves: Turns out that luring TomKat to D.C. might be a mission impossible. Despite the fact that Upperville, Va., has been abuzz with rumors that Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and daughter Suri were moving to a mammoth, $22 million property in the bucolic town, the buzz looks to be a bust. ... No matter how much Dan Snyder loves them.

Let the sadness and disappointment begin.

Cruise’s publicist and real-estate agents involved with the estate said Wednesday that Middleburg’s chitchat — which we reported in Wednesday’s edition — is off the mark. After all, there isn’t even a Church of Scientology out there! (Conspiracy theorists instantly posited that this was just a ploy by Cruise & Co. to fend off the paparazzi or just Cruise being his usual secretive self.)

Vicky Moon, local author of “The Middleburg Mystique,” said she had heard the rumors. “This is a small town, just like, say, Middletown, Ohio, the middle of America. Somehow stories float and the next thing you know, it has legs,” she said. Others wondered if the rumors were planted to jack real-estate prices in the area.

But now the town gossip has moved to this: If not TomKat, then who has the pockets to pick up this $22 million estate?

The property in question, called Llangollen, spans 1,100 acres, including an 18th-century nine-bedroom home, horse stables and a farm. A description on Luxist.com calls it “the ideal home for the modern day Jefferson.” It is under contract. The seller is octogenarian businessman Roy Ash, who worked for Hughes Aircraft after World War II. Ash also was director of the Office of Management and Budget under Presidents Nixon and Ford, and his recommendations led to the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency.

P. Diddy rumors can’t be far off. …

Roasting Schieffer for spina bifida

Just how wonderful is Bob Schieffer? Wonderful enough to bring out such VIPs as Tony Snow, James Carville, Alan Greenspan, Tim Russert, Bernard Shaw, Judy Woodruff and Al Hunt on Tuesday night to roast the “Face the Nation” host and former “CBS Evening News” anchor at the 18th annual Roast for Spina Bifida. The event raised $500,000 for the Spina Bifida Association, which helps adults and children with the most common permanently disabling birth defect.

It was radio host Don Imus who roasted Schieffer best, giving the audience his list of reasons of why Schieffer is great:

“Though he covered one with great distinction, he’d never start a land war in Southeast Asia.”

“In his distinguished career, Bob hated Connie Chung before you or Dan Rather did.”

“Bob did not tell Robert Novak who Joe [Wilson]’s wife was and there are no documents to indicate that he even likes [Robert] Novak.”

“He never slept with Sally Quinn. You didn’t, did you?”

Wahlberg film begins shooting downtown; Glover expected today

F Street downtown was in virtual lockdown Wednesday as unsuspecting motorists’ cars were towed, wardrobe trailers were set up and film crews descended to film scenes for “The Shooter,” the Mark Wahlberg thriller set for release next year.

“My windows face F Street, so I predict a low-productivity day,” said our source.

Most of Wednesday’s filming with Wahlberg took place in Freedom Plaza.

A representative for Paramount said co-star Danny Glover will be here to do some scenes today (too bad his old friend, Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga., has already left town for recess).

Directed by Antoine Fuqua of “Training Day” fame, the film concerns a former Marine sniper called on to help prevent a presidential assassination.

The movie has been in production since June. The crew heads up to Baltimore on Friday.

Depends What Your Definition of “Meeting” Is ...

The Mark Foley scandal has already changed how we view instant messaging, but can it also change the definition of a “meeting”?

During one of the many lawmaker huddles that have taken place in the halls of Congress since the Foley scandal broke, Rep. Rodney Alexander, R-La., Rep. John Shimkus, R-Ill., and Rep. Deborah Pryce, R-Ohio, all showed up at the office door of Majority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, recently for a post-bewitching hour synod. Curious reporters asked what was taking place inside Boehner’s office. Was there a meeting?

“It’s not a meeting,” Pryce said. “It’s just a gathering of people.”

Gathering of people? We thought that’s exactly what a meeting was. ..

The Think Tank

What will be former Rep. Mark Foley’s next excuse?

“I just found out my grandmother was Jewish.” - Norm Ornstein, American Enterprise Institute

“Well, if the Democrats hadn’t voted down my House cabana boy rider, I would have left the pages alone!” - Alexander Dryer, New Yorker

“That the entire intelligence community believed, at the time, that House pages were hiding weapons of mass seduction.” - Sommer Mathis, Editor, DCist.com