Police rough up congressmen

It has been a sporting couple of weeks for members of Congress, what with Republican vs. Democrat golf tournaments and lawmakers vs. lobbyists basketball games. Tuesday night saw congressmen — OK, one congressman — doing victory dances in the end zone, as the U.S. Capitol Police (“The Guards”) played members of Congress (“The Inmates”) in the second annual Longest Yard flag football game at Gallaudet University. The event raises money for the Capitol Police Memorial Fund, a charity for the families of officers killed in the line of duty.

The night’s announcer, Rep. J.D. Hayworth, R-Ariz., introduced his colleagues: “Here are The Inmates and your members of Congress … but I repeat myself.”

The Guards won a decisive victory by the night’s end, the 35-7 score punctuated by an 80-yard touchdown pass late in the fourth quarter. The pummeling became literal when congressional quarterback Rep. Tim Ryan, D-Ohio, limped off the field with an injured knee. Rep. Ron Kind, D-Wis., a former quarterback at Harvard, replaced Ryan.

The only touchdown for the members came late in the game on a pass from Kind to Rep. Jeff Flake, R-Ariz., making Flake the star of the night.

Sports stars come out for charity

If you’re going to plunk down a couple hundred dollars on charity, you could do worse than to mingle with the stars of local sports. That’s probably why 1,000 people turned up at the National Building Museum Tuesday for the Greater Washington Sports Alliance’s third annual Sneaker Ball.

Men in tuxes and sneaks — and far fewer ladies in gowns and sneaks — mingled with everyone from retired Redskin Darrell Green to Wizard Caron Butler to D.C. United’s Freddy Adu to Olympian Kerri Strug.

The funniest line of the night came from emcee Steve Buckhantz, who said, “Originally we were going to get hot dogs and beer from FedEx Field, but it was too expensive, so we went with steak and shrimp.”

Hill crowns softball champs

Congratulations to the RBIs of Texas, who, on Tuesday, defeated Potomac Fever in the “King of the Hill” softball championship.

The RBIs of Texas scored five runs in the bottom of the seventh to pull off the 9-8 come-from-behind victory.

Anthony Reed, head commissioner of the House Softball League and legislative director for Rep. Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., said, “It was a well-played, exciting, competitive game. The season ended on the best note possible.”

Wind creates problems for Jewel at news conference

For someone who burst on the scene as an earthy, acoustic balladeer, Jewel sure has trouble with the elements.

The singer, a three-time Grammy nominee, arrived on the outdoor terrace of the Cannon Building on Wednesday morning to lobby against “drive-through mastectomies” with Rep. Sue Kelly, R-N.Y., and Lifetime TV. Escorted by her publicist, who quickly asked the only photographer on site to hold the pictures, and a trendy, Gucci clutch-toting male stylist, Jewel quickly became dismayed by the wind’s effects on her hair, exclaiming, “What is this? Can we go inside?”

Stylist in tow, the songstress went indoors for some damage control, returning later with her hair tied back. Afterward, she was escorted into the Cannon Building lobby, where she was told to remove her blue heels after setting off the metal detector.

About the same time, Mary Tyler Moore’s coif remained unthreatened, as she was ensconced in the basement of the Capitol, safely away from the elements. The seven-time Emmy winner, looking dandy at 69, was on hand as the cover girl of the National Institutes of Health’s debut issue of NIH Medline Plus magazine. Like Jewel, she wanted a redo of her own.

“I think I have to go back and have this picture retouched so it looks more like me,” she said of the cover.

Think tank

Who will win the torture debate: Bush, Sen. McCain or the guy in cell block A?

“The lawyers representing the CIA interrogators are the only winners.”

— Ana Marie Cox, Washington editor, Time.com

“Now that Tucker’s done dancing on national TV, do we even need a torture debate?”

— Danielle Decker Jones, senior editor, Hotline

“We’ll have to wait until the next season of ‘24.’ ”

— Howard Mortman, public affairs practice director, New Media Strategies