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Survey says, trust yourself, not the research
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Nowadays, there doesn’t seem to be a subject on Earth that someone in a white lab coat isn’t delving into via a clinical trial soon to be reported by the New England Journal of Medicine and People magazine. The topics range from vitamin supplements to love, but can science truly provide solutions to our romantic woes? Our resident doctors of détente, Joan and Dan, offer their prognosis.
DAN: Hanging 10 minutes on the Web, I found research that revealed that people who are in their 20s, college educated and solid financially are more likely to get and stay married. But if you live in Oklahoma (second-highest divorce rate in the nation), you best get a good lawyer. I’ve also learned there’s an MTV show called “Room Raiders,” where people choose their dates based on what they find in each contestant’s room. Sound silly? There’s research on this topic as well. But what can I really glean from all this? Just because a guy has a stuffed owl in his den doesn’t make him Norman Bates. And not every young couple who marries in a Bible-belt state ends up fighting over who gets the Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates. While such research can provide some potential guidelines, the best yardstick for relationship success or failure lies not in our stats but in ourselves.
JOAN: We live in a strange country, where many of our wealthy are X-ray thin (to paraphrase author Tom Wolf), and many of our poor are obese. But statistics aren't people; they're numbers. So according to this study you found, uneducated, low-income people have a higher divorce rate. Frankly, I find that hard to believe. It makes more sense to me that people who have too many things want more things and may tire more quickly of their mate — new Jaguar, new trophy wife. Their expectations may also be higher.
I find many research studies tainted. Look at the Ivy League study from the 1980s that said a woman over 40 had a greater chance of getting hit by a terrorist bullet than getting married. The study turned out to be bogus. They almost succeeded in giving my mother a coronary.
DAN: As I recall, the news of that Ivy League study nearly gave you a heart attack as well. But as they say, “He doth work in mysterious ways,” and that news, whether bogus or not, sent you on the path to “Celebrating Single.” So perhaps research does play a role. I just read about a recent survey that indicated women find men who drive “eco-friendly cars” more attractive than men who drive sports cars. Now is this because women are really into cars made out of recycled Pepsi cans that run on feed corn and flashlight batteries, or were these ladies just saying what they thought the surveyor wanted to hear?
JOAN: Truth be known, with the pressures of a Jewish mother pleading with me to get married before she died, that study sunk me into a depression. I even ended up seeing a therapist. Best thing I ever did. The therapist helped me look at patterns in my relationships — being subconsciously drawn into relationships with brilliant scientists who had drinking problems. This was reminiscent of my father. Sometimes you just have to ask for help.
DAN: I’m a big proponent of therapy, particularly cognitive therapy that I find more “pragmatic” than the standard Freudian approach, which, in my experience, involved a guy in Dockers with face-buried-in-notepad going “Mmm-hmm” for 50 minutes. Cognitive therapy, you set realistic goals for improving your life and are given “homework” to make it happen. In this arena, research shows that women do shine above men as they are more likely to seek help. So guys, don’t let the females win! Smart men seek help when they need it, and smart is sexy, so keep that in mind.
JOAN: Well, Dan, for a change, I agree with you. I have nothing more to say on this. So let's open it up to our readers. What do you have on your minds about being single, what’s tugging at your heartstrings?
Got a dating question? Send us your ideas for future columns, you’ll have a chance to appear in “Single in the City” as a guest columnist and have your photo taken with moi and Danny.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
8 agree | 8 disagree
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
743 agree | 180 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
229 agree | 208 disagree
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